I Know My Therapist Is Going To Drop Me.

[Leah123]

I just had a three and a half hour chat with my therapist. I got sort of triggered by something, immediately before our appointment, and I was very upset, sobbing through the whole thing. I'm overtired- does anyone else worry they have no filter when they're so tired, because sometimes I feel like I could chat forever, sigh.

I am always feeling that what I want to say is so urgent.

Anyhow, we had a very painful, tough session. She said it strengthened our relationship, and that she was honored I trusted her so much. Finally, she let me know she needed to wrap up. I hadn't been feeling connected to her much because of the chat format, probably, my exhaustion and it was a bit of a bumpy session, though it was a very good one. So, I started asking her my "needy" feeling questions. Gosh, I hate those.

"How does it make you feel to listen to me?"
"I just want to know if you empathize."
"Do you care about me?"
"Do you think I'm pushing the limits of our relationship?"

All those kind of things.

Finally, she asked if there was anything else I needed before we ended, and I stopped for a moment to think. Then, she asked me if I needed a hug, something she told me before she'd give me when I asked for one. So I did, I asked her for a hug after she brought it up, and because we'd been talking about my own aunt, maybe, she said, SO kindly, that she'd give me a hug just like she gave her neices and nephews. I thought that was so sweet.

Sometimes, I bristle a bit though when she calls our relationship "a therapeutic" relationship. I mean... I totally know she's my therapist, ha, I am paying her... I just want her to say "relationship." Sigh. And I know she doesn't say it in a negative way, because she shared with me that she saw her therapist as a mothering figure and saw her for many many years, and that's like how she sees me.

So.... am I in way over my head with her, or is she bound to put up new limits given how needy I am, or am I just panicking too much (I know I'm really really good at worrying), or should I just thank my lucky stars to know an awesome therapist who's really interested in helping me and very flexible?

 

[Hashi]

Hi Leah,

Your title says that you know she's going to drop you. But everything you say about the session sounds positive.

Could you say a bit more about why you think she'll drop you? Or why you think she might put up new limits? What happened or was said to make you think that?

You might think it's obvious and some others might think it's obvious but it isn't obvious to me! And I think it's important to identify what (if anything), rather than run with a general impression or fear.

 

[Leah123]

Thanks for replying Hashi. :)
I am just feeling very insecure and overexposed right now, I think. I had a tremendously hard session, and I haven't slept well in weeks, so... I think that I'm feeling very pessimistic on the inside right now. I was just about to edit/delete this whole thread when I saw that you had replied.

The only reason I have for worrying about my therapist is that we're spending so much time together, I'm afraid she'll suddenly realize it's too much and she'll feel like we've crossed a boundary and she'll terminate me. She's never worked with a client so closely as me, however, she has been a therapist for about 20 years, so, the good news is she is not inexperienced and I pray that she does know and manage her own limits and boundaries. She has told me, just a few days ago, not to worry about our relationship.

So, my fear is just that she'll suddenly snap, or that the fact that I can't seem to leave her alone sometimes will overwhelm her, or that because she sounded a little uncomfortable with my needy questions, that she intends to firm things up a lot with me, way more limits, in a way that will hurt.

I think, and I really hope, it's just my own projecting doing all the talking.

 

[Leah123]

P.S. My therapist just sent me the world's best ever, most reassuring email, so... y'all can feel free to ignore this thread now, haha.

I want to quote something she wrote about what she means by "therapeutic" relationship though, because I find it SO beautiful:

"When I refer to a therapeutic relationship, I do not at all mean a medical model, dr./patient relationship. To me a therapeutic relationship is a very sacred, spiritual journey in which I am the guide and my client is the seeker; it is the most important factor in healing. It is also one of the most intimate of relationships because it holds the sharing like you did today; at its best, the therapeutic relationship is one of the most real relationships any of us will ever experience. So it is a very special relationship to me and when I refer to our therapeutic relationship it is with utmost respect and affection. And inherent, a given, in this relationship is that I care about you, XXXX. It is always surprising when you ask me if I do because it is never a question for me."

 

[Leah123]

Lol, Hashi... I was just thinking how my post here reminded me a tiny bit of your post about your job interview. You talked on and on about how badly the interview went, but you got the job, lolol. :) Maybe we both do a little better than we sometimes fear? :)

 

[Hashi]

I'm glad you feel reassured. You're absolutely right - we can't possibly know what the other person thinks, only what we think/fear.

What a wonderful thing for your therapist to say.

My therapist is transpersonal, and in transpersonal therapy they say that the client is the alchemist and the therapist is their assistant. Which I love.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I worry that you are relying on your therapist in excess. One of the important things I learned through therapy was that in between sessions is the time when I put my skills to work and I only contact my therapist in an emergency. And to clarify, to me, an emergency is feeling unsafe to the point where I am going to hurt myself or run away somewhere so that I can be in a safe place. My therapists were pretty much following the same lines. (We're talking potential hospitalization times if I cant find a way to calm myself.) This happens fairly infrequently.

I understand that your therapist is helping you deal with the tough times, however I worry that she isn't encouraging you to become independent and work on solving problems yourself, calming yourself, etc. after all, the ultimate goal of therapy is to not need therapy.

Setting up such boundaries encourages independence.

 

[Leah123]

I understand that your therapist is helping you deal with the tough times, however I worry that she isn't encouraging you to become independent and work on solving problems yourself, calming yourself, etc. after all, the ultimate goal of therapy is to not need therapy.

Setting up such boundaries encourages independence.

Oh, that's not a concern for me, although I appreciate it's a very common issue. I've been uber-independent and self-managed my life successfully for 20 years. I'm not worried about being unable to manage. I have a successful (not perfect, but good) marriage, job, school, child, interests, etc. and no addictions or vices per se, aside from being too sedentary, which I want to work on.

What I need is someone to rely on, to unburden myself with, to explore and illuminate the labryinth of my inner life, and be there for me in a nurturing way.

I use the skills I develop in therapy constantly, on an almost daily basis I'm stretching my limits. In five months of intensive therapy, I've:

1. Given myself intellectual challenge and moved toward a more successful, satisfying job by enrolling in and attending college again.
2. I've explored my angry outbursts enough to start controlling them somewhat, and learning how to minimize them, divert them, work in progress though, for sure.
3. I've opened up to my husband and in-laws more, started prioritizing my needs and letting them help me meet them.
4. I've begun writing again for creative expression.
5. I've gotten more in touch with my emotions and am working through some very painful past traumas.
6. Taken much better care of myself, soothing myself more, using all kinds of supports I did not before, music, hot baths, bedtime rituals, coping box, naps, lots of self-care stuff I never prioritized before therapy. :) I've even redone my office to be affirming and safer, am just starting to do the same sanctifying of my bedroom.

When I set my mind to something, nothing stops me.

But, for someone like me, the attachment issues do come to the forefront because of the intensity of my experience and process, and also, importantly, because I don't have a trustworthy mother or birth-family connections. I think I'm lucky to have a flexible therapist who can deal with that.

It's not a typical therapeutic schedule at all... more at my own pace, and I find it very very helpful to work through my issues, like parenting problems more in the moment, and easier to stay in touch with my emotions with the regular contact. So, I just have to watch out for burnout and worries about losing her mainly, and I really appreciate all the supportive forum members who help me through these rough and/or panicky moments.

Thank you all!

 

[madmax]

I think you both are lucky (Hashi,Leah123) you seemingly have come out the other side of PTSD....just a lurking observation;)

 

[Skylynx]

Your T appears to be one of the modern psychoanalysts, or dynamic relationship therapists, who believe in Bowlby, Kohut, Winnicott, Ferenzcy, etc. who welcome transference and walk the client through it sympathetically, how ever long it takes. (Wow, I wish my T were from that school, and I'm trying to find one!) Some years ago transference and dependency were looked down upon, even by Freud, and the client just left to deal with it's exquisite pain. Give this some time to evolve. Your therapist is working very hard for you and I'm sure she doesn't dislike you at all.

 

[silkleaves]

Self doubt can be such a pain, but your therapist really sounds amazing!

 

[Leah123]

I started this thread nearly a year ago, haven't been on site much and just saw the two replies from May. Looking back... it is a relief to feel that her caring for me and the strength of our relationship have only deepened. It's been a truly transformative year. I still have work I want to do in therapy, and still see her frequently, but although I often wish I had more time with her (have cut back due to budget concerns) it's easier to trust our connection, our relationship is smoother, and I feel blessed to have her commitment to be there for me as long as I need.