Yes, I can relate. I have some tentative advice prefaced by a question. You don't have to tell us the nature of your trauma if you don't want to (sorry if you have done this in a previous post and I missed it) but is it something recent or something that dates from early childhood? The reason I ask is that the inability to feel supported even when you know people do care about you is part of the difficulty with connection that stems from trauma and interrupted bonding in very early childhood. It's like there are simultaneous forces pulling you in different directions: desperately wanting to feel connection but afraid to accept it and pushing it away when offered, because your nervous system hasn't learned how to tolerate it. If this sounds like you at all, there is a book I would recommend called Healing Developmental Trauma, by Laurence Heller. If you go to youtube and type in the title of the book, you will find a two -part interview where he goes over his work in some detail. I've recommended this book on the forum several times now because it's just the best I've found of its genre, that explains how very early trauma affects us and proposes a system of therapy designed to heal the deficits. It's a fairly new system and of course then you have the problem of finding a therapist trained in it, and I have no idea whether it has reached Russia at all. But even though I also am facing that hurdle, at least now I have the understanding of why my symptoms are so severe and the hope that they can be healed.
There are other possibilities for why you are having this problem of course, like depression, a history of being told you don't deserve help, emotional numbness caused by trauma, or lots of other things. But my guess, in the absence of more information, is that even if any of these are the case, the core issue may be this trouble with connection. Let us know if that fits.
