General I Love a Very Beautiful Man With PTSD

[spiritofnow]

I love a beautiful man who can't commit to me due to my PTSD!

I was going to start a new thread on here but I feel this applies to this thread. Plus I feel safer leaving it here, (if it does get moved then I will understand why). This was why I was intially drawn to this thread Samsara and then your bright beautiful light , that touched me :wink:

My story....
We were together for nearly three years and I believe he was/is the 1st man that I have ever truly loved!

Our relationship actually ended just before Christmas 2007. I had told him once again that I could not continue in 'us' (about the 6th time - so he tells me, that I had done this!). It does not really matter what it was that initiated my action/re-action, more so that once again I was protecting myself with my maximum security wall of defence :wall:<- that may as well be him on the outside not being able to get in.

Obviously, whilst I was in the relationship I could not see my behaviour and how it was affecting 'us'. I would have a wobble/trauma/crisis then we would have the 'chat' - how I felt he was not meeting my needs and how his behaviour was affecting me (talk about transference). The poor guy kept battling through hoping that things would get resloved, hoping that I would see that he was not responsible for how I was feeling....but I didn't!

I pushed and pushed until he could not bare it any more - he did not want me to feel the pain that I was in, in 'us', and also understandibly did not want it for himself!

So when I went to him with my usual 'I didn't mean it', he had decided not to allow it to continue. Intially he asked if we could be friends, but the boundaries of that were blurred as we had not disconnected from each other - this made my wall come up even higher! I felt that he did not want to make a commitment to me but wanted the perks of aspects of our realtionship. So I told him that I could not continue on in that way and that I wanted closure - doing what I do best - shutting down and denying my feelings so that I could move on - ha!

I went away and did not contact him at all - I started at the gym and transposed my sadness into excercise - I worked out so hard and battled every day with anxiety and depersonalisation. I soon realised that the reason these feelings were being heightened was because I was not connecting with my emotions over us - ha ha, a pattern here! I began to cry and cry and thought I would never be able to stop crying because of all of the pain that was inside of me. That's when I began to metaphorically hold myself - 'I am here for you' I told myslef and 'you will be okay'! It did feel good to do this, a sort of quiet, cosey, warm, feeling. But I would have days where I would slip back into denial and so on and so on.

Christmas time came and I knew I could not let it go by without letting him know that I was thinking about him so I sent him a simple text where I wished him well. He sent a text straight back and wished me the same but added that 'he hoped that all my dreams would come true in the new year'-so lovely!

I still left it alone and did not contact him again. I stood on the bridge that is supended over the river near my house and watched the New Year fireworks light the sky from all over the city - I had him in my mind all of the time and wished him a 'Happy New Year', and wondered where he was, what he was doing and how he was feeling-it was hideous being without him.

My son wanted to stay in touch with him and of course I was postive about this for him - it was while he was arranging when and where to meet my pirate-price ( silly nick name :-)) that we spoke again. He asked to speak to me and asked whether I wanted to meet with him as well. I did and we ended up in bed together!

That was a mistake I have repeated 3 times - the last time was the eve of Valentines night - we ate a meal that I had cooked while my son was away visiting realtives and brought each other valentines cards - he wrote in the the card that he loved me always and forever and told me that he really meant what he had written and got all emotional.

I seduced him and he did say that he did not think it was good for my healing for us to be together in the physical sense - I am his weakness in that way - he is totally in to me in the physical sense ( that never went away) as well as my other dimensions. Again I felt confused the next day.

I have been totally honest with him about why I am still part of this 'friendship' thing - because 'I am still in love with him'. He has told me that he feels like his hand has been forced into making the decision of us not beeing a couple due to the issues my issues cause between 'us' - he is right, I still have occasions where I do not trust him and push him away.

My dilemma is this - do I continue to have him in my life (without any hanky panky) as he does want to support me and help out - and also if there is a chance of us being together again this would increase our chances - OR do I move on? I am so unsure! I find it taxes me having him in my life because I constantly have to battle with my wall of defence-perhaps it is to much to ask of myslef at this stage - perhaps my therapy will evolve and I will feel differently???? If I stay with the 'friendship' thing I may get hurt - what if he gets fed up with me, what if he meets someone else, what if what if.........

We still love each other - I don't know what to do and all of the thoughts are driving me crazy, I want to make it go away but I am not sure how to do this in the healthiest way!

He has told me that I am a beautiful person, that I give so much that it is embarrasing in reflection to what others can, he tells me that I am the love of his life. He tells me he comes undone when I am not in his life, he tells me that if I am to walk away forever that I should do it facing him and not turn my back on him as that would be too much for him. He wants me to be free and heal!!!!! He wants what will be bset for me even if that means losing me forever.


He is an honourable honest lovely man - he has had few relationships and values himslef and others enough to wait to have an intiamate realtionship. He is not an 'a typical' guy - he is intelligent and funny and I love him with all of my worth!

However, he is right to have re-strained and not allowed 'us' to go back! I miss him!

Spirit x

 

[spiritofnow]

He understands that I was intimate with him because I wanted to be as close to him as I could - he kept telling me how much he had missed me when we were together. I know being intimate with him was not good for me though.

Spirit x

 

[Shoshin]

What if you did not make it an "all or nothing" thing (break up totally or keep giving in to unchecked feelings)?

Would it be possible to agree to take some time apart, check in with each other after a given period of time, with a few ground rules, and get a sense of where things stand?

Seems like you need some time for therapy to develop without the confusing feelings, and with an agreed upon reunion, you would not need to despair about losing him. Yes, it is hard to be apart, but it sounds unlikely that a carefully agreed upon break would eliminate all the feelings you have expressed for each other...

Just my 2 cents...

 

[spiritofnow]

A very insightful and logical 2 cents worth Shoshin :-)

A friend I have here in the U.K suggessted the same approach - it makes sense!
I guess the beauty of what we have is that he does not impose himself on me, he waits for me to contact him. So I could just refrain from doing that until I understand all of this better.

I could set myself some boundaries - not too good at that! But I want to achieve some clarity so I will work hard at sticking to what I set out for myself.

Usually - I would set the boundaries have a difficult time and break them - be back on the phone, text, mailing him. I dislike how that makes me feel - the needy feeling. I think that is why I go to the extreme because I can handle cutting things out rather than managing them!-another thing Ihave learned :-)

My first intergrative therapy is next week (5 months since my inittial CBT)- I am sure that all of this has been heightened by my anxiety over that. It's going to be the toughest part and I am dreading how I know it will make me feel - its bloody unfair to have experienced all of the trauma in the 1st place and now I have to be open to reliving it to heal - I know it is the 'key' to unlocking my wants and desires........but I wished there was another way! It feels like I know a storm is coming and I am running around in circles rather than preparing myself.

Anyway, how about you Shoshin? How are you doing? How are you feeling since being back? How is your head feeling?

Spirit x

 

[spiritofnow]

I just spoke with him and we have decided on April 1st (April fools day here in the U.K) which we both thought was quite amusing!

Thanks Shoshin x

 

[Shoshin]

Spirit,

April Fool's Day...I love it! May your arrangement be everything you hope it will be.

I cannot believe you wrote:

Usually - I would set the boundaries have a difficult time and break them - be back on the phone, text, mailing him. I dislike how that makes me feel - the needy feeling. I think that is why I go to the extreme because I can handle cutting things out rather than managing them!

I have just been through a couple weeks of painful closing up/ pushing away my loved ones because of the same tendency. I really believed that cutting off my friendships and even my marriage would somehow simplify and condense my problems, streamlining my suffering into a manageable enemy to be combatted. Hah! I've botched it all.

I am back home after a self-imposed exile of three weeks, and after a rocky start, my wife is somehow putting up with me and we are even talking about how to get along while weathering this storm...For the first time since mid-December, I feel like things might get better, though I am not confident of it...

Had a panic attack after a flashback last night, and a bit of a meltdown this evening, but otherwise I am hanging in there...

Tomorrow is work, where I will see two dear friends whom I have hurt this past week...

Every day is a winding road...

 

[spiritofnow]

Shoshin

....I get a little bit closer :-)

I am so glad that this internal out pouring onto this virtual page has some relevance for you - this place is akin to being in school eh? Gold stars for Shoshin and Spirit wohooo!:-)

I am sorry to hear that you had a rough night. I really want to give you some wise insightful words - how about this...? Something is happening, everytihng's different but everything is fine - this is the good stuff, yesterday is only what you leave behind...............Your just beginning, you haven't missed it, it's all ahead of you and you know what to do.......

Things are looking up Shoshin - you and your wife are forging a new pathway in order for you to both continue sharing this journey - side by side eh! You can do it!!!!!! You are a strong and intelligent soul - you are peicing this altogether and soon the pircture will become clearer - lifting the veil of fog!

Panic attacks are subjective to the person who suffers with them which is why I am holding back from wise words - they are my achilles heel. I used to do anything to avoid them - now whilst starting the therapy the flood gates have openened and I am more accepting (at times and depending on where). I guess being kind to yourself is key as they do create a lot of pressure for body and mind - a warm bath with relaxing bubbles and lavender ( I know you are a rugged cowboy male) but even they need to soak and chill:-) Oh and sleep - not so easy I know but have you tried hot milk before bed - it has ben reported that it contains the hormone melatonin and the amino acid tryptophan which is related to sleep and relaxation, importantly they are good routines to get into.

I hope your Monday was another day forwards on this journey to becoming whole!

It's times like these you learn to live again...

 

[spiritofnow]

Apologies for all my typos..........

 

[samsara]

Thanks lovlies.
I’m doing fine. I’m feeling very strong, and your supportive discussion has only helped that. Thank you.

Had a bit of a scare with BB on the weekend, he went to a party and ended up taking some pure ecstasy powder and woke up with an ambulance at his feet and does not recall a thing. See, he’s only young so these things (drugs and partying) get in the way of his goals sometimes, as he has a natural yearning to escape, is bored and down in the miserable cold weather. But he is highly sensitive to dugs of any kind (which is a good thing as long as it deters him from taking them).
Of course the nightmares have increased tenfold and he feels like crap more than ever this week. Though he’s sworn them off, his own admission (I’m not really one to nag, what’s the point?).

In any case, he’s back on track, and sounds stronger than ever. We had a long conversation on the phone a couple of days ago. It made us both feel better. We were able to discuss just general stuff, which is great, the other stuff can get exhausting and frustrating when I hang up the phone). We talked about the future and where he sees himself professionally when his residency finally comes through and he moves here. There are still a lot of hurdles, but he’s really so amazing. He’ll realise just how much so, in time. We discussed how a lot of his problems are normal ( not pstd) and how they appear to be worse for him, as they swim around and around in his head. He’s finally understanding that venting or discussing them, using some sort of emotional refuge (me) will make him feel better and help him and myself to make sense of them.

He is estranged to his mum and brother, and he’s never had that family bond before like I have been fortunate enough to have – I have had amazing family and feel like I have been given so much love, that it is my duty to share it with others. Remember I said how the penny dropped about our break up, when he explained the issues with his mum? I also told him about how the more he tells me about where he is at, the more I can understand what went wrong and how things can be made easier for us in the future.

Now he’s on about working two new jobs to get all the money together in time. He said he’s doing it with a mate, working his trade by night and construction by day. He needs all the money he can get and while I am glad he is focussed, I’m a bit concerned he will burn out. Its only for 6 weeks though, and he seems to be so much better when we just keep shooting texts to each other about how we will be together soon, in Asia, soaking up the sun. So I’m just focussing on that – keeping him focussed.

Spiritofnow, I’m so delighted you are starting a notebook. You’re a good writer, write yourself a journal too? It will be great for you to read it in months to come to track your progress, thoughts. I know it helped me immensely when I was down and depressed a few years back. It's helped BB a lot before too. A journal is not just for how you are feeling, but also for dreams and fantasies, they’re positive.

Another thing, having a separation from your loved one will do you both good. Don’t be concerned that he will find another. That should not be a concern, you should just leave that one to gods will/nature. You have been through a lot together to realise that this time apart, for reflection and healing will only do you both the world of good. Give him some time to really understand what pstd is and how he plays a part in your healing.

Be patient and maybe use me as your example. BB and I have not seen each other for three years and had absolutely no contact for two. That time allowed us to focus on ourselves, heal, forced him to grow up a lot. He's come a very, very long way too -- I'm so proud of him. And your loved one will be too, of you. Focus on yourself, but don't be selfish. You can't have your cake and eat it too darlin'. The best thing you can do for both of you is focus on your healing. Even if he does bed another, he won't stop thinking about you, he won't stop loving you. You're theone -- trust me, I know about this, did I mention 3 years of experience? ;)

The time apart for us has been an integral part of why I want to be with him so much now. I can see and feel and hear how much better he is. I am sure of my feelings, I know there is still a long road yet to go and in all honesty, if another separation during his treatment is necessary, then I'll do it. The time apart has allowed me to grip a better understanding on ptsd. Intimate Relationships make us look at ourselves, and if we don't like what we see, it can have extremely detrimental affects on the relationship. That goes for everyone. So concentrate on your healing, not your libido. Get to that yoga class lady!

Even as I write this, I am glad it is still 10 weeks before we see each other. I want to be ready, because once we are 100% back together in Australia, that’s it, there is no turning back for me, so I want to be ready. That’s why I’m here. To help others with my story and be helped if possible as well. Thank you for your reaching out, both of you.

Don’t be offended if I don’t come on line for a few days at a time. I got behind at work last week writing on this, as well as dealing/worrying about BB. So this week is catch up time on my life, working on myself. I’m not very good with halves, I can only offer you full glasses and when it gets a little bit empty, I just gotta wait for a refill before I have anything decent to offer.

You both sound like you are doing well. Every second, every minute, every day you are getting better --- MANTRA IT!

Love Samsara

 

[Shoshin]

You go, samsara! You sound confident and healthy. Glad to hear it. While your BB may struggle at times, it sounds like your support is helpful to him, and it also sounds like he is trying hard to think of and work toward a better future, which is very positive, I would think. My best to you both.

 

[spiritofnow]

Samsara :Hug_emoticon:

So glad to see you (in the virtual sense). I think of you most days - how you have helped me find someone as lovely as Shoshin to banter with and how the hell you are. I can see you are a full glass person and I was concernd that I had taken more than I should. But, and listen to this, I realised that you gave as much as you felt comfortable too and that I cannot always try to protrect others from myself as I am a good person and would not take at their detriment (knowingly, of course)- ha ha! How about that then?

It feels strange to say but at least the thought was there.

BB - ahh the temptations of youth! At least he is introspective enough to be honest about his little wandering offs' onto the wrong path. Your logic is something to behold - my life has always seem to be run by my damn emotions which has been hazardrous with all me crossed wires :eek: - although there are more and more days when I almost watch my reaction and then settle it with some good old logic and insight.

You are a strong girl and seem to have the balance just right! You will both be a force to be reckoned with :smile:

So glad to see your name on this page I said ' Samsara' out loud when I saw you had visited :wink:

Yoga; I have enquired and there are no somachi session where I live - however an instructor emailed me with an evening session she runs for women, self-esteem and stress management, I will try it out! I am ordering a Somachi DVD from Amazon and myself and my friend are going to practice toghether - such a studious student :wink:

I have not started the notebook yet as I want to go and buy a special book - one that is made for dreams (as you say) as well as milestones!

Had a glitch today, with my dysfunctional family - so much hurt - they need to be kind to myself and my son! I sent an email to my mother - it was a big deal to do that!!!! I feel better! So glad that I live far from them.

Anyhow, so glad to share your wonderful light again my lovely lovely Samsara. You are protected and so is your BB - your love is your shield from harm.

Therapy tomorrow!

Spirit x

 

[samsara]

Arrgh! Did I say Somachi? Shit sorry about that! You won't find it in the UK. Actually you won't find it anywhere outside of Melbourne.

Look for Astanga yoga. You will find that, it's universal. And if you are going to buy a home dvd, get David Swenson.
Though I only recommend that for home practise. You really need to go to a class, particularly if you are a beginner. Two main reasons : motivation to challenge yourself, and also to have the instructor ensure your poses are correct and help you get to the next level. I'd be really surprised if you can't find Astanga or flow yoga. when you call them up just ask, some studios call it something different, eg somachi is pretty much Astanga with tai chi thrown in the mix.

And well done on the good thoughts regarding my absence. Very impressed and proud of you.

Stop faffing about getting a notebook! JUST GET ONE! When you find a nice one, you can cut all the previous stuff out and glue it in. Damn girl! Get to it! You might miss out of some special words just busting to get out!

I'm feeling a bit weird today. I nearly started crying at the end of yoga today. It was a compassionate emotion. My teacher asked us to dedicate our Buddhist prayer through thought to someone/some people and I decided to dedicate it to sufferers of ptsd in treatment, particularly the readers on this forum. Then I got a bit emotional and choked up and then I was OK.
I'm also on my cycle.

And there's another thing...My mum called last night.
As you are aware, my family is very good -- I have had amazing parents. And since I dealt with my meltdown a few years back, I have learnt to be a less secretive bottling up individual than I once was with my family. ( I am the eldest and took on that role from an early age). So anyway, the point of telling you this? Well I hadn't told her in detail that BB and I were to reunite in Asia soon. Actually, I had only told her snip its of how we have been back in contact the past year. (Including drunk at my sisters wedding 6 months ago, when i told her he was the one and she shook her head in a mum way and sort of cutely patronised our drunkenness).

So I said, - "I just got my leave approved, and I'm meeting 'BB' in Vietnam in May. She said "Who? Crazy 'BB'?".
"He's not crazy! He's fine. We were both crazy back then, a lot has changed".
I said this calmly, not defensively which even surprised me.
"Is he still drinking? He's a heavy drinker, is he still drinking a lot?"
I said I didn't know. I said we didn't really discuss it. Which is kind of true. And kind of not.
It's weird, BB was a heavy drinker mainly to self medicate. When we visited my parents with me she noticed how much he drank I guess. He was never loud or violent or abusive, though the amount he drank was always a concern to me. Maybe I told her about that, though I doubt I would have.
Then we went on to talk about it, the last year of BB and I back together through solid correspondence.

Mum conceded that I have changed a lot in 3 years -- that I'm not crazy any more, that I'm fine now. And she acknowledged the three years being a long time. It was a calm conversation, I didn't get defensive, I did feel surprised that I just straight out told her though. She just wanted me to understand that she will remind me of my tendency to stop looking after myself to help others, but she also conceded that she thought I've worked out a lot of that and know how to look out for myself first. I then told her that I am really happy about it all, it feels right, I got back in contact with him seeking closure, and in some ways I got it -- just not the way I thought I would get it. I got closure on the pain, and I got an open door on my heart -- I still truly madly deeply love him, and it's getting stronger. I didn't tell her all that -- it felt awkward, I didn't want to wipe her out with all this sudden information that had been developing over 12 months in a short conversation on the phone.

So I'm letting it sink in. I did tell her that, I was telling her because I have realised secrets are not good from people you trust, and I don't want any more emotional volcanoes. I told her I am telling her this because I am happy about all of it and I want to be open and honest about what's going on, especially the possibility that BB and I will be together in the longer term in Australia. I said that I am being careful with myself too, I have learnt to look out for myself first before I can help anyone else.
Anyway, all of that was well and good. And I can't expect her to take it all on board in one go, baby steps. but my mum is just like me, I know how she thinks and she's usually onto it.

So since last night, I have been thinking again about the drinking, and wonder if I should bring it up with BB. I mean, he did self medicate during his last fall down. I guess mum raised some doubts in me, some fears about what may be around the corner. I definitely don't want him to self medicate. And he says that he controls things like drinking. He says that if one or two turn into many, he punishes himself and goes cold turkey for two weeks. I believe him. And I also believe he wants me so much that he feels with purpose now -- he may want to not drink or have me if it comes to that (the choice).
The texts this week have been strong. He told me that I give his life tangibility. And just writing this now, makes me realise the doubts are just natural and healthy and my mum is just looking out for me, being a good mum.

Anyway that's me. I've got my period and I'm feeling emotional, it's raining and actually, I feel better now that I have told you all that.