General I Love a Very Beautiful Man With PTSD

[samsara]

Samsara,
You cannot imagine the wonderful hope and help you have given to me...and I believe many others in reading this thread. Your insight is amazing...

BTW, how old are you?? You seem so mature and insightful...

Thank you for all of your words. Please stay in touch and let me know how everything is going...
Sisu

Sorry Sisu,

I didn't see this reply when I came on before.
I'm truly glad I helped. It's the reason I came on here, looking for answers, comfort, strength, help or just general insight. I'm glad this thread will help. I think it is helping sufferers as much as loved ones of sufferers. When it comes to love, every one is different, but we are all forced to look at each other.

My age?
*sighs*
I'm looking down the barrel of thirty -- ouch, oh snap, there goes the gun, yes I'm a cradle snatcher. How can there be no pun intended when there was, yet there wasn't? Oh gad! You may have learnt by now I speak in a barrage of metaphors and clichés ( I don't mind a good cliché every now and then, I even invent clichés (now suddenly everyone will refer to their ageing as a gun barrel, which in turn is ironic in reference to me, I'm starting to really dig being older, I feel younger now than when I was partying like it was my job, oh wait a minute...It was my job.) -- though that is technically an oxymoron. Confused? Welcome to my world right now. I use humour to get my mind off things. Though my dry wit even confuses me.

OK, I am an old soul indeed and I've been blessed/cursed with super sonic intuition -- friends used to muse I was psychic (though they probably wouldn't know how to spell it, let alone define it). My grandmother used to say "You've been here before young lady".

I think a more apt description would be that I am a tenacious, deeply feeling thinker with a gift for language and a penchant for passion.

Being too strong and tenacious can actually weaken you though -- I learnt the hard way, and was emotionally abused for years without even really knowing it -- I was so sure I was the strong one, and I was "helping him" overcome his issues.
He became dependent on my strength and I almost suffocated. That's another story altogether, and I'm very "over" it.

Again thanks for your kind words, I'm glad I helped, you helped too, sharing our stories helps us all.
But yes, I will stay in touch through this thread, Carers don't seem to have a spot for their diaries (correct me if I am wrong mods?), so this where I'll be putting my thoughts and feelings and insight.

TO EVERYONE READING THIS THREAD OR FEELING LIKE ADDING YOUR STORY OR ASKING ME A QUESTION or TEN...

I have said it before -- This is not MY thread really, it's for EVERYONE.
So don't feel shy unnecessarily, if you feel the urge to contribute your story or advice or comments on mine. Though just one thing, though I am a writer and I type fast and a lot, it's still quite emotionally exhausting writing here sometimes, so if you want the background on BB and I, please read this whole thread -- I too still find it quite tough to sift through all my feelings from the past, especially on the eve of us re-uniting (of course I still have my doubts, I am very very human and FEMALE) so I'd prefer not to repeat myself. Especially as it gets closer to us being re-united (16 May is the day).
What I'm saying is this ; We all come on here, with a tendencies to search for a straight answer -- a quick emotional fix. So we impatiently sift through threads etc, and that's cool, but if you want to know something specific to this thread, please read it all, if I don't respond to a question, that will probably be why, so don't feel offended.

I say this today as today (which is the opposite of usually) I am quite anxious about it all and am feeling really protective of myself and my energy into him and others.

On one hand I feel like we are making a breakthrough, and I feel like this is being so so so very stunted by his drinking.

I wish this forum had a carers diary.

Sorry if I sound less insightful today, I have a little heart ache and it's probably mostly unfounded ( yes, it's getting close to TOM). Oh the joys of oestrogen eh?

 

[samsara]

So here I am, posing as wonder woman.

How did I manage to make even an online community believe I was strong and could take anything?

I read the trauma diaries and my heart aches. It aches for BB, I'm angry at these perpetrators, I'm angry at the world. It's so fu*ked up!

I take it for granted that I had a good upbringing, I used to even justify the emotional abuse I endured at the hands of my ex was almost fair game - that I was strong and he was weak and he needed to do it and he'd eventually wake up to himself if I just showed strength.

One time BB was angry at me for staying with the man I was with before him. He just said:

"Why the fu*k would someone as smart as you stay with someone who was being a prick to them? I can't understand why you wouldn't just run away, no one can treat me like shit -- no one!"

That made me feel so bad. So bad because he was right, so bad because he saw me as much stronger than I was. Everyone sees me as much stronger than I am. Inherent wisdom can be a curse, and there is a fine like between that and strength. My CBT was later all centred around my "wonder woman syndrome".

Now I don't go trying to save anyone any more, and though I'll soon look good again in tiny, tiny black knickers, a red bikini top and a lovely gold headband that's where it ends-- As I have been hiding from my maternal side for some time. Except for BB, but I didn't go looking for him -- he was always there -- somewhere. I dreamt about him for 25 years, until I found him -- I missed him for 25 years.

And now what happens? What happens? What do I do if he doesn't make it to Asia? What do I do if my heart breaks into pieces? What do I do if I am never ever able to cry again? What do I do If all I have left are the muscles in my arms and none in my heart?

My family and friends just want what is best for me. A friend said the other day -- a close one, a sister, that I was a snake that had shed it's skin, the past four years and then now I am a new woman.

I feel new, but I keep seeing emotional ghosts. And now I am crying and I can't see the screen but I continue to type. I want to cry, it's coming. Thank you for being the only place I can do this. Thank you fr making me realise I am not an ice queen.

 

[samsara]

Well that lasted the duration of half a cigarette. Fu*ck!

I thought I was smart, I thought I was right. I thought there was a virtue is always being cool.

To fight is to defend. To cry just doesn't come easy.

I don't know what will come of me if this does not happen.

I am afraid of my intuition, suddenly I can't look in from the outside.

Why can't you beat this with your force? You are so strong?

I don't even know if I am talking to BB any more? I feel like I am talking to both of us.

Fu*k! Why did I tell my mum this was happening?

Now all I can think about is alcoholism and the worst part is, I like speaking to him when he is drunk. He's gentle and honest and "sounds" stronger.

The last thing he said to me the other night is:

'You, me, the beach and so much to say.'

I can't hear anything today.
It's hard to say what's real, when I know the way i feel is real, is it wrong to say it's love, when I can't even cry out my feelings? My two second tears are simply synthetic. I am trying to feel real. I want my feelings to show, but I can't, I'm scared of my intuition. I am scared of the ghosts.

Enough! And then I hear Beth Orton sing....


I'm sitting so high on this pedestal,
No need to tell how I might feel if I fall,
And you don't know how hard it is to cry,
Ever since you have said goodbye,
You can't feel this sad and not a little strong,
You can't feel this sad and not a little wrong,
How you gonna know all the answers,
When you don't know all the questions yet,
And there's a look in your eyes,
Of which we never speak,
Will it make you strong,
Am I gonna feel so weak?
Well I'm not the same as you,
And I don't want the things you do,
And all that preaching never let anyone know,

You cannot reap what you cannot sow,
You cannot reap what you cannot sow,
And they never had the patience to let it be,
Sometimes I've waited years for what I cannot see,
It must be them not the whole world that lies,
To neither do I wanna have to say goodbye,
You can't feel this sad and not a little strong,
You can't feel this sad and not a little wrong,
How am I gonna know all the answers,
When I don't know how to question it,
And I don't know all the questions yet,
And there's a look in your eye,
Of which we never speak,
Will it make me too strong,
Are you gonna feel so weak?
Well I'm not the same as you,
And I don't have the things you do,
And all this preaching never let anyone know,
You cannot reap what you cannot sow,
You cannot reap what you cannot sow.

 

[samsara]

Before my friends on here go thinking I've gone all " howzitgoin ".
I'm fine, I just haven't heard from BB in a few days and his phone is off. This has not happened for some time. He usually at least texts me to say he's gone awol. I don't worry so much when he is awol and I know. It's just not knowing that gets my mind ticking.

He is also not at work which he usually is on a Sunday (Monday here of course), and my intuition says "UH -OH". And then I think too much...

The logical side of me says he's with his friend who he has not seen in ages and they are just having some fun. In any case, I think he's been quite inconsiderate either way.

I can't control him, I know. Nor do I want to. I just feel so annoyed with him when he does this, I don't want to see ghosts any more. I don't want to feel like a fool any more.

Then there was a storm, it's beautiful -- it rarely rains in Melbourne in the warm season. There's lightening and I have taken that depressing music off my stereo.

I have to learn to cope with not hearing from him every now and then. Hell I did it for 2 years, why is 48 hours such a struggle?
One minute I just don't want to hear from him so I can give myself a break from thinking about all this, the next I get my wish and I'm freaking out.

But suddenly I'm not worried that Asia won't happen. I'm not going to address the binge/self medication/party drinking/alcoholism -- or whatever we can label his actions with. Those problems need addressing properly. It's now actually officially 7 weeks. I was reminded by a very close friend, a bloke, today that Asia will happen, it's obvious to my friend how much BB wants it -- It will happen. He understands and marvels frequently at my 'heightened senses' as he calls them, and started getting emotional on me. It was like he wanted to cry for me -- because I, just can't. Then I made a joke of it all and we moved on. F*cking hell, now the blokes are crying? Why do I have this affect on people? I am so full on, I affect everyone even when I say nothing, my energy is like some kind of power ball, it's exhausting in it's power.

He told me that if for no other reason, BB is obsessed with seeing me again, it's what is keeping him going. I do believe he loves me, but is love enough?

Hush, hush. It's all fine. Just writing this made me realise. Had I spoken to BB in the past 48 hours, I would have said something I regretted, and I would have pushed him away, I've been that withdrawn. I guess I needed this time to sift through things. Some higher being is guiding us. The ghosts are there for a reason -- to protect me from making the same mistakes, to teach me to not be so reactive, to teach me to stay cool, but not cold. To remind me that we are not "there" yet, it's not a fairy tale -- its a really life struggle with love and life. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

See I swore off falling in love a long time ago, unfortunately I fell in love with BB before I made that decision. He's not just my love, he's my soul mate. We know each other inside out -- yet there continues to be amazing discoveries.

This was the last message I got from him, it was 2 days ago.

" Hey.woman! I'm out with my old chef from Bermuda, he flew in just to see me. I'm being good, just can't get to a phone right now.
The mission is going ahead as planned, your frustration with me is acute, I promise. I love you ".

And suddenly it's all about to change, ahh the power of writing. Internal dialogue has an expiry date, it's fuel at first but it soon becomes a toxin if it not used appropriately. Writing and discussion is VITAL. Man If I could just get BB writing again. I guess he is afraid.I'm gona leave him be for now. I'm at peace with all this now that I know why I was feeling it.

Moral of Samsara's the neurotic cow's two day dilemma: Don't bottle this shit up. And Ms spiritofnow, I like cows, they're sacred where I'm going, so I am allowed to call myself one coz I am one and wana be one.

Thank you, come again

 

[sisu]

Samsara,
I am so sorry that you have to go through all of that with BB. I know how hard it is...unfortunately first hand. My boyfriend (or currently ex) won't even answer the phone when I call. He sporadically answers my emails. He says I need to prove he is worthy of me, however he gives me nothing in return. I think that I need to give up for a while. Give myself a break emotionally.

Don't these boys understand what wonderful women we are?? :wink:

Take care of yourself!
Sisu

 

[samsara]

And suddenly it's all about to change!

OMG. The we had the most mazing breakthrough today!
I don't have time to update you all right now -- we had a four - five hour phone conversation. A lot of ground was covered.
But it has never been better than now. He's even stronger than I thought.

Put it out there for me that it stays the same. I feel better than ever!

Hold tight for the next episode and thanks for listening. You guys are amazing, I'm amazing BB is amazing, Life just says learn a little loving...

And so the 'crazy' love story continues...

 

[spiritofnow]

You are a mad cow indeed! A lovely sacred,crazy-arse, mad cow!

You mooooooooo-ve me! <- that was so lame! Lame? What would you do with a lame cow? Giver her a cuddle I guess.

Virtual hug!

Spirit x

 

[samsara]

So BB is on the booze wagon.

I almost "didn't" tell him how I was feeling.
But a huge shower of anger and frustration came and drowned me, like something inside said "fu*k this you deserve better, you have a life to live".
This is how it went:
No contact for four days and on the fifth day, I woke up feeling super-crap and had to go to work. Of course I didn't go to work because I was an emotional wreck and I somehow knew without knowing (my intuition that is my curse) that he had been on a "pity party" all weekend, and was passed out in a hallway somewhere until he couldn't cope with the phone ringing from his boss trying to get his ass into work. And of course I was right.

And I'm pretty sick of being right when it comes to this man's actions.

I almost gave up on him to protect myself. He explained in a four hour conversation that it was never going to happen again (him losing contact with me when he trips out) and he had no idea how his actions were affecting me, that he never throws that I love him into the equation.
He nearly lost me that morning. I could feel it, warning signals. If he hadn't poured his heart out that morning in such a practical way, I would have let go of all hope for us. And that was a good thing -- realising that I have a life to lead too.

I was later to discover, and oddly enough not in the least bit surprised, when he told me that he had been on the worst bender, anger trip, freak out since he was first diagnosed with PTSD, 8 years ago. He'd been in some physical frightening fights with people at the resort.

We spoke for four hours. We discussed a lot of things, what went wrong with us, what was right and still is. He admitted that I broke his heart and that he felt I kept him at arms length our whole relationship. he felt like I was not going to allow him to love me. How different that seems now. I was so glad that he finally offered me an opportunity to take my share of the blame, to take responsibility for my wrongs. It takes two and I was so over his 100% self blaming for what went wrong. It gave me hope that we could be on a level paying field -- when it came to us anyway. I feel more in love with him somehow.
So we have a clean slate now, in that respect.

The past few days, I don't know if he has stayed on the wagon. He sounds better and is speaking sense and seems pretty cranky yet positive, so that's a good sign.

Now at this stage, I could care less if he gets drunk to be honest. I mean I hope he does stay on the wagon as best he can manage but I have only made him promise to stay in contact no matter what happens. I told him "just stay in touch next..." he cut me off " there won't be a next time, you're something I really want in my life, you made me realise how much today. I'm sorry it took me so long to work it out, how my actions are affecting you, but now I have I'm not gona fu*k that up. There won't be a next time"

And I almost didn't tell him how I felt. I almost just let it slide. I'm not going to veil my feelings to spare him any more, though there is a fine line between being reactionary and honest. I think I may have just more clearly defined that line for myself this week.

This is just an update. I'll follow this up with my feelings on the matter in a few days.

:wink: thanks for all your positive energy. you guys are wonderful.

 

[Shoshin]

Samsara,

I only ask this as devil's advocate, as a way of being a friend:

What is your limit with BB? Do you really know at which point his decisions and behavior toward you will officially cross a line? Do you have a line?

Maybe he has not reached that line, but I am thinking you should at least know where it is, just in case. You deserve a good, healthy relationship, and he deserves to know that you are not in charge of saving him--he is.

OK, my two cents...just nosing in, I know, so ignore this post if it does not apply.

 

[samsara]

Shoshin,

Don't explain yourself. You're on the money. BB is now on his last life with me.
It hurt too much and scared the hell out of me, and I can never go through that again.
I am a happy, chilled person, I am going to get emotional and upset if any one messes with that -- it's not fair and not my responsibility.

My happiness is my responsibility. Although I will say one thing -- I am glad I can feel again. I used to protect myself with this cold exterior. It messes me up inside though and we both can unhinge from my always being cool, so I've got to be honest with him at all costs. Hopefully we will be talking shortly. I'm going to tell him this and hopefully I will work out a way of doing so without sounding like I am manipulating him.

 

[samsara]

Samsara,

Maybe he has not reached that line, but I am thinking you should at least know where it is, just in case. You deserve a good, healthy relationship, and he deserves to know that you are not in charge of saving him--he is.

OK, my two cents...just nosing in, I know, so ignore this post if it does not apply.

And an answer to this. Yes he has neared crossing that line. I have told him I am not interested in controlling or fixing him, I am no saviour -- I am just a good friend. Shoshin, we spoke about so much and I was telling him off for at least the first 30 minutes. I didn't want to speak to him, I was sick of hearing empty promises. I had hit a rock of the bottom and just really thought I had given up. Or not even given up, just realised, really realised, that love is not enough.
I think I scared him into the right direction this time -- the reason I think I did is because I don't even know where it all came from and I so nearly didn't bother -- I felt that helpless. I was suddenly rejecting him and he was fighting me, beating it off, promising he would never do it again, promising he never realised how much he affects me, begging me to believe him. We've never had a run in like that before. It was frightfully real, and frightfully meaningful. The next few weeks will be the deciding factor.

Shoshin, I love to hear from you, so tell me your thoughts always. Thank you my friend.

 

[spiritofnow]

Gonna have to make this quick......

I am so glad that Shoshin has said what he has as it has given me the courage to speak up!

I have been feeling distant from you - so I asked myself , ' what is this all about Spirit', and it has been because there were things that I wanted to say to you, but felt that I could not. So rather than bull-sh*t you I have distanced myself. Avoiding confrontation, upsetting you etc etc. Which are all about me and not you!

So girl, you and I have talked about this place and discussed how Anthony approaches people, 'tough love', eh! Well I have some for you. And, my tough love is just a sounding board, an idea, a feeling I have. Call it my intution as I am too very intuitite and at times it is also like a curse. when I see people I see them, they become transparent and I can see right through. It has actually freaked my friends out too as it is almost like a psychic quality. I will expand on this another day as I have a logical explanation...

Anyway, I am rambling....this is not a judgement on you as a person at all!

Okay! You and BB.......at first your story sounded strong and wise now I am concerend! If you take away your ability to say what is healthy and what is Okay. Then your story on here is like many of the other people who have fallen for someone who is PTSD bound (for the time being anyway). You are in love with this guy and not prepared to let go! Well not just yet!

You remind me of me in so manyy ways. I call it 'talking the talk', and not 'walking the walk', you get that right?

I beleive you are as good as me in talking the talk...but that walk is almost just crawl at the moment. You are doing things that are positive for you, but in the same vein you are cancelling them out by doing other things that are just not good for your health emotionally and physically. Tell me to f-off! Tell me I am wrong. Put up a good case, I know for a fact that you can do that. Talk the talk, but I will still see through it!

Why have you connected with me? It's not just about BB it's because we are similar reflections, but you have convinced yourself that you are now walking, are you though Samsara, really truly are you? Are you serving your best interests? Are you living as you should be or do you just now know the difference and can state it clearly. They are two different things eh? Knowing and doing?

It's Okay that you know and only manage to do a liitle of what you know is best. It means you have grown and you are taking care of you! But you have so much more growth ahead of you and I just think you are re-directing that ability to grow more, onto BB.

The only good thing I ever really learned from my alcoholic <- (did I tell you I am dyslexic, I am freaking amazing eh?), step-father is this, 'you can't b*ll-shit a b*ll-shitter'! And he was bloody right!:smile:

I want to be your friend and be good for you. I believe in challenging people in order for them to actualise their true potential and not what they are settling for!

Do not settle for this Samsara, just don't, you have so much inside of you and you have already proved to yourself that you can grow, so continue. You will probably still meet BB, and you may live happily ever after and turn around and stick your v's up to me? But, at least I was honest!

Just think about what I have said before you answer if you answer at all? Look deep inside girl and pull out your truths'......they may conflict wiht my perception and that is Okay, even a pofessional b*ll-shitter can be mistaken :wink:

Sent with love and friendship

Spirt x