Relationship " I Love You, But I'm Not In Love With You."

[sadiebabie]

My boyfriend has long been diagnosed with PTSD and he made sure to make this a well known fact when we first started dating. Though he knows he has PTSD he doesn't take his medication because he says he doesn't want to be dependent on it. He also does not seek out therapy. We've been together almost 6 months now, live together, and everything was great til recently.

Said boyfriend just returned from training for six weeks and was fine at first then cold after a couple of days. He put himself on the sofa and did everything in his power not to see me or talk to me for the next two weeks. I finally made him sit down and talk with me though he tried his best not to. He told me "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Said he didn't think he ever was. Said he's felt this way for almost two months now. Yet not one week ago he was telling his mother he wanted to marry me but wanted to wait til he got back from overseas to see if I could handle him. He leaves this September for his fourth deployment.

Today he left for another training school and will be gone for eight weeks. After our discussion I walked out despite him telling me I didn't have to leave. He's told me he wants me to stay at the house and not move out, he doesn't even want to break up but that seems like the opposite of what he's saying. He said he wished I could understand everything that was going on in his head. That he just wanted time to himself to think things through. His family says he pushed everyone away before deployment and I know my stuff on PTSD- I'm a psych nurse for returning vets suffering from PTSD. But being in the situation is different than being the observer. I don't know if this is his PTSD or if it's just how he feels. Everything seems like mixed signals. He hasn't called me since our talk but has his mother call to check on me. Says he'd call himself but he's giving me space. I wasn't the one who wanted space.

So what's the deal? Do I give him his space? How do I let him know I'm still here for him? Is it over?​

 

[Mr. Smith]

Hummm I have a couple questions, I am guessing your boyfriend is in the armed forces by the way you talk so how much face time have you actually had with him? How did you meet? I know for myself caring about someone is "Love" and not that fairy tale stuff I used to believe in. I push people away to and deep down I love the ones who stick with me. So if I was you I think I would stick with him.

"No road is long with good company." ~Turkish Proverb

 

[sadiebabie]

He is in the national guard and just finished WOCS. He's now left to finish the classes that follow graduation. From the time we met til six weeks ago we were together everyday. He works on base locally. We met through a mutual friend. I pursued him which was very out of character for me. He wasn't looking for a relationship.

Now that he's left he's not calling and I don't want to bother him. I'm still talking to his mother and helping his family with various things. It seems very strange but in my mind that's giving him space but still showing I care. Does that make sense?

 

[Mr. Smith]

It does, but does he know you are helping his family?

 

[Cheshire]

I'm still talking to his mother and helping his family with various things. It seems very strange but in my mind that's giving him space but still showing I care. Does that make sense?

Makes total sense, and seems to me like the best way to go about things.

He told me "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Said he didn't think he ever was. Said he's felt this way for almost two months now.

I can understand that.. for me, it's like my feelings for my partner fade in and out sometimes. I always love him - always, but that feeling of IN love, of wanting to be together every day, of even wanting to talk to him sometimes, can just disappear every now and then. It literally comes and goes in waves.

He said he wished I could understand everything that was going on in his head. That he just wanted time to himself to think things through.

I don't know if this helps you, but for me, that time to think things through is so important.. it gives me time to work through the lack of feeling, gives me time to reacquaint myself with how I really do feel about him. I sometimes think it's like a disassociation from him, like I pull back at certain times when I can't handle too much strong anything - feelings, thoughts, right down to music, noise, even food, for some reason.

His family says he pushed everyone away before deployment.

And this.. kind of seems like he's giving you the option of walking away if you can't handle it, or staying if you want to. Also, and this might sound harsh or manipulative, but it might be a bit of a test. I could be way off the mark here, though - or on any of it, really. These are just my impressions. Do with them what you will, and overall, take care of yourself.

 

[caliaviator]

Thought I would share some of my experiences with you, I hope it helps.

When you said that he would spend time on the sofa and not talk to you in the two weeks it seems like he's trying to get a grip on himself. When I didn't talk to my girlfriend at the time I wanted to say a great deal but not necessarily knew how to say it. When I would get close to coming out with my issues this intense feeling of anxiety came over me and I wound up tighter than before.

It seems like when he said that he loves you but he isn't in love with you he's trying to detach himself. In my experience I did this whenever something really major was coming up and I couldn't handle the pressure. I called up my girlfriend and broke up with her. She said I sounded like an emotionless robot. I honestly didn't feel that way but having so much pain that I couldn't let out I just started cutting off everyone, pulling plugs on relationships and friendships alike. I truly did love her and I regret to this day that I broke it off. But to be honest what I did was still a blur, I then avoided her and everyone because I didn't know what I would do or say, and I thought by exposing myself to people it would only make it worse. Of course it got worse anyway.

The thing is your boyfriend WANTS you to understand, but at the same time might be afraid of what you might find. When I tried explaining things they always didn't come out right. I would be all over the place and I would sound like a ranting homicidal maniac. So I stopped, assuming that if I tried it again I would lose everything I loved and cared about because I revealed the darkest parts of my life.

Sometimes I want to organize things in a neat little package and give it in little coherent pieces, but with PTSD it rarely, if at all, works out like that with me. Once I get going I'll just keep going and then I lose control. Letting everything out haunts me because I honestly don't know what I would do. I let a little bit out and I'm on the verge of crying so I stop. If I let out everything I don't know if I'll crack and cry like a madman or become so angry that I want to rip out someone's skull. Or both.

What I needed was someone to stick it through. I would open up the more I saw that my girlfriends were for real. I know it must be hard to date someone that doesn't necessarily open up to you, but please stick with him. If you want to help him while he is away try to be the supporting, loving, caring girlfriend and have his mother be your voice. Talk to his mom and have her say things for you. Words of encouragement and love works great. If your mom writes him letters ask that you write down some stuff on it too and send it off. Letters were the glue that kept me together when I was gone.

 

[sadiebabie]

I appreciate your sharing, I do. But I have to ask- how long did it take you to regret breaking up with her? Did you try to get her back? I can relate so much to what your saying. As he spoke it seemed like it affected him none. He was without emotion. He's not a touchy, feely person as it is but even seeing me sob left him with a blank stare. Would I be an idiot if I assumed we were still together and stuck it out?

 

[sadiebabie]

Mr. Smith- I'm unaware if he knows I'm helping them or not and while I would love for him to know, whether he finds out or not I still would. His mother and I have grown very close and being that out of five children he's the only one left that lives locally she has clung to me. She told me today that he told her about a week ago in regard to me: "she's beautiful, she's smart, she's sweet, she's perfect... i just wish she weren't". What that's suppose to mean I have no clue but it seems like just as much a confused statement as all his others.

Cheshire- The fact that you would say test is amazing! About a week prior to the perfect statement he told his mom that he loved me very much but he wasn't sure how we were going to work out. He told her "when I come home you know I'll be different and I 'm not sure she'll be able to take it. It will be the test."

(And if anyone hasn't noticed yet, he's a total momma's boy! She and I have grown very close and she considers me like a daughter.)

OH! And complete brain fart. Boyfriend has been engaged once before. He proposed before he left for his second deployment, came home and she was with another man in his home. Reading to much into it or could this be something?

 

[sadiebabie]

The whole not talking, not texting thing makes it kind of hard to still feel like a girlfriend. I'm stuck in a limbo land.

 

[Mr. Smith]

"she's beautiful, she's smart, she's sweet, she's perfect... i just wish she weren't".

Haha that sounds like something I would say.... if I said that this is what I would think. You are to good to be true and like all things that seem to good it usually is. Feeling so messed up and seeing a person so perfect that loves you makes you wonder why!? What can you like about me? Why love someone messed up? There are other men, why me? etc.... so maybe if you where not so "perfect" in his eyes maybe he could go on being with you. This is my guess so don't hold me to it. I would also think it to be a test trying to push you away, to see if you really would stay like Cheshire said. If you want to chat online I am following you so i should pop up in your chat box, I don't know if you have to follow me to do it, but if you do click my picture and when it pops up hit follow. I hope this helps! Good Luck!

 

[sadiebabie]

Lol. Thanks! I'm being punished for being to good a girlfriend!? That would make sense. Any time I had a bad day at work and came home grouchy he would assume it was him. After he got back from WOCS he told me "you've just been mad since I got home. I can't do anything right." That was always his line. And I would ask why he felt that way. What was I doing that made him feel like he couldn't do anything right. He never could answer that.

His mother and I are preparing his house to sell right now. I'm showing it tomorrow, should have it sold for him before he gets home. Just have to finish painting this week. When he gets back in June and before he leaves in September he was suppose to stay with me at the apartment I was getting. Instead he said he'll be at his mom's. He does still want me to have all his bedroom furniture for my new place though. I can't help but feel like it's a conciliation prize.

 

[caliaviator]

I regretted it I would say sometime the next day. I came to my senses and realized what I had done. I broke up with her in Jan 27th 2011, and I didn't resume contact with her until Feb 14, 2011. I tried to apologize to her for what I did, but we decided at the time that we would work up from a simple friendship. Though what she really meant was we were going to repair the relationship, though I didn't catch onto that. The way I felt about her I wanted to become something more than friends, even repair a relationship, and I initiated a great deal of the contact, but I received less of that initiation in return. There were so many things I wanted to say but I felt extremely uncomfortable and tense so I bottled it up. The messages weren't clear to me and I didn't know where she came from. I then got worse because of the outside stress and not being able to talk to my ex.

Then this girl comes along who comes on very strong, starts things extremely fast, the type of girl that would set off alarms and raise red flags, but I didn't care. I was already so devastated that I figured "hell I'm already this hurt it's not like she can make me even more hurt than I already am" so I went. I felt like the situation was hopeless because I felt like communication, which I desperately needed, was gone. I informed my ex about how I found someone new and it wrecked her, which wasn't what I was trying to do because I thought we were working on a simple friendship, but she thought it was something more. I didn't receive that message.

Shortly after, I broke up with this other girl, but I did nothing with her because it was a long distance thing. I was looking for that one thing to fill the void in my chest and was grabbing everything and anything I could. I hit rock bottom. I came back to my ex and I apologized profusely. She became extremely angry, and in many ways I came back for that coup de grace, I was hoping she'd tear me apart, or what was left of me. Now she doesn't trust me, she's moving on to new relationships, but we are still on speaking terms. She helped me out a few times with my PTSD when she didn't have to.I honestly don't feel like she's an idiot, I feel like she still cares somewhat. Right now I'm going to therapy, and so much of me wants back what I lost, but I don't think I can get them back.

Communication is the foundation to any good relationship. Don't feel stupid for wanting to stick around. We need things cut and dry; no hidden messages. Hidden messages only confuse us and leave so many unanswered questions; which is exactly what we need. Your actions will be apparent to your boyfriend, and he will see you are the real deal. He will also see that you actually care for him, and you're the type of girl he can live with for the rest of his life. When he hits rock bottom (which he will unless he gets therapy) he will need his true friends and loved ones. I hit rock bottom, and I'm just beginning to crawl out. Friends really helped me out combined with therapy. I decided to go for them and myself. I didn't want to hurt them anymore with my surge of emotions, and I didn't want to hurt myself by hurting them. He WILL need you, that I can promise. If this is too much for you, feel free to see a therapist too (hell even therapists need therapists). Rely on your base of friends and family, otherwise you'll go insane.