"i Love You, But I'm Not In Love With You."

[sadiebabie]

My boyfriend has long been diagnosed with combat PTSD and he made sure to make this a well known fact when we first started dating. Though he knows he has PTSD he doesn't take his medication because he says he doesn't want to be dependent on it. He also does not seek out therapy. We've been together almost 6 months now, live together, and everything was great til recently.

Said boyfriend just returned from training for six weeks and was fine at first then cold after a couple of days. He put himself on the sofa and did everything in his power not to see me or talk to me for the next two weeks. I finally made him sit down and talk with me though he tried his best not to. He told me "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Said he didn't think he ever was. Said he's felt this way for almost two months now. Yet not one week ago he was telling his mother he wanted to marry me but wanted to wait til he got back from overseas to see if I could handle him. He leaves this September for his fourth deployment.

He also said he didn't even know where he'd be when he got back. He might go to D.C. to be a U.S. Marshall or Arizona to work for ICE. I argued I could follow him and that just seemed to frustrate him. He said "It's not you, it's me."

Today he left for another training school and will be gone for eight weeks. After our discussion I walked out despite him telling me I didn't have to leave. He's told me he wants me to stay at the house and not move out, he doesn't even want to break up but that seems like the opposite of what he's saying. He said he wished I could understand everything that was going on in his head. That he just wanted time to himself to think things through. His family says he pushed everyone away before deployment and I know my stuff on PTSD- I'm a psych nurse for returning vets suffering from PTSD. But being in the situation is different than being the observer. I don't know if this is his PTSD or if it's just how he feels. Everything seems like mixed signals. He hasn't called me since our talk but has his mother call to check on me. Says he'd call himself but he's giving me space. I wasn't the one who wanted space.

So what's the deal? Do I give him his space? How do I let him know I'm still here for him? Is it over?​

 

[The Hermit King]

I say save yourself the heart ache and move on. If he tells you he loves you but he's not in love with you he probably means it. That's exactly what I said to my ex girlfriend of 4 years when I finally ended the relationship and asked her to move out. I stayed with her for so long because I was comfortably numb really. I'd drop hints all the time and say things like "Sometimes I feel like we are more roommates than lovers" and the last year of our relationship I started sleeping on an old Army cot in my workout room. I told her it was because she snored but really I just didn't want to sleep in the same bed anymore. When she finally realized how I felt and that it was over she was completely crushed and cried for like four days all curled up on the couch.It was very awkward because I let her stay another 3 months to save up money and then I gave her a thousand bucks when she moved out to help her out. In the four years we were together I tried ending it many times but she always made me feel so shitty that I'd agree to "try and work it out" again and again. In the end it didn't work out and being together that long just made it so much harder for both of us. My point is if he says he's not in love with you then it may be that he was just going through the motions and that you should walk away before you get yourself anymore emotionally vested in the relationship. Sorry if I'm a downer. My ex asked me why I stayed with her for so long if I never intended to get married and I said it was because I didn't want to hurt her. How f*cked is that? Anyway I hope you come out of this thing a stronger person and I'm sorry for the pain your feeling now.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Sadie,

My usual disclaimer. I am not a psychologist. I am not a psychiatrist, I am just a veteran with PTSD who was discharged from the military with PTSD, pushed away my ex-wife, and caused an awesome amount of heartache to my friends and family. and lastly, this is just my opinion.

The first thing I will say is that this is a choice you have to make. Not him. Otherwise you will be dangling around like a marionette and whenever he pulls the strings, you jump and move. Don't take it. Stand your ground.
Also think about women who are beaten by their partners. They love them so much that after a beating they still go back because they are hoping for that one glimpse of love they used to get. I am not saying he beats you, what I am saying is that it sounds like you are hoping to see that loving side again.

Every time I used to go away, I used to try and isolate. I used to make things up and say hurtful things to my children and my ex wife. I wanted them to hate me, that way they would not miss me so much and if I died, then it would be ok. I know there is no logic there, but from your experience you should know there is no logic with a lot of people with PTSD.

If he is not going to get help and not going to take medication, then there is no way you can be in any sort of stable relationship. Make sure he is aware of that.

Why in the hell is he still being deployed with PTSD.

In answer to your question, you make the decision. I actually reckon that although you love him, start making a new life for yourself. I don't mean go out dating or stuff like that, but start doing things for yourself. Find yourself a place to stay and start enjoying your life. When he comes back, let him know how you feel.

Someone else may like to add their opinion too.

Dr Jimmy

 

[watchdog]

Hey,

Im a vet with severe PTSD, Im divorced and have started a new relationship, first one since the seperation and first one since being diagnosed with PTSD, we have been dating for aprox 4-5 months and she has now asked me to move in....... I know you say your up on PTSD etc.... I can only speak for myself, I love this girl, however, when Im irrated etc... and experiacing symptoms I turn cold and do my best to push her away, in saying that, its like Im in the back seat while this is happening, I try to push, but deep inside I know I love her...... I push and pull at the same time, im scared of rejection I guess..... eaiser to push and let the other person leave........in an attempt to isolate, but I love her and it would destroy me if she did leave....... its messed.

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey,

Im a vet with severe PTSD, Im divorced and have started a new relationship, first one since the seperation and first one since being diagnosed with PTSD, we have been dating for aprox 4-5 months and she has now asked me to move in....... I know you say your up on PTSD etc.... I can only speak for myself, I love this girl, however, when Im irrated etc... and experiacing symptoms I turn cold and do my best to push her away, in saying that, its like Im in the back seat while this is happening, I try to push, but deep inside I know I love her...... I push and pull at the same time, im scared of rejection I guess..... eaiser to push and let the other person leave........in an attempt to isolate, but I love her and it would destroy me if she did leave....... its messed.

Sadie, I forgot to mention. Like what Watchdog has said, I have met and am now engaged to a lovely lady who I am marrying next April. I too get times when I want to run and hide. But I made a commitment and have to stick to it.

 

[sadiebabie]

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I feel like the ball is in my court to a degree but then again I don't. He said he didn't want to break up but then used typical breakup lines. This morning before he left I went over to get my stuff, he seemed shocked that I had no plans to keep living there. He asked if he'd see me again and I said yes. He gave me a big long hug and that was it. I want to give him the space he needs but still show him I'm there for him. I feel like we are good for each other and I don't want to turn my back on him. I'm not calling him, but waiting for him to call me if he wants. I'm getting my own place but not dating. I'm staying in contact with his family and helping them with various things. Am I at all headed in the right direction?

 

[Jimmy1]

That depends you know. I am sure you will have contact with him over there. Its not the old days when there was no email, and you can always write.
Ask him whether you are both counted as being together. If he says no, then live your life to the max otherwise time will pass you by.

Jimmy

 

[sadiebabie]

That depends you know. I am sure you will have contact with him over there. Its not the old days when there was no email, and you can always write.
Ask him whether you are both counted as being together. If he says no, then live your life to the max otherwise time will pass you by.

Jimmy

That depends on whether he'll contact me or not. And not to be doom and gloom but I don't think he will because I still haven't heard from him.

 

[abnvet]

Sadie,

I was much like your bf when I returned from Iraq. I really wanted my ex-wife to have patience and we had our good times. Guess she just wanted to get on with her life and didn't want to wait for me to fix myself. I loved her and tried to get things to work but I was going through much crap. When the crap hit me, I vented and it all went on her. It got to a point where she wouldn't wait around for me anymore and we divorced. I spent 10 years in the Army and finally decided to get out to reconnect with my daughter. I'm remarried and finally able to talk things out with my loved-ones. Its truly a personal choice and how much do you have invested in your bf and want to have invested. HOOAH!

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hey sadiebabie, may I say a big factor here is the fact that you are a psych nurse specialising in PTSD. In this dynamic, remember your man is not your patient and you can't let your specialist knowledge influence your relationship. I don't want you to take this the wrong way but if you were his nurse I suspect you might be setting him the goal of taking some responsibility for contacting you.
Have a look at The Mask and take it personally.

My love often doesn't make sense to others. Why do I 'put up with the uncertainty of my hubby's' PTSD? Because I really do love him.

 

[sadiebabie]

I appreciate everyone's stories, but sadly all of them involve failed relationships at some point. Where's the hope? What makes it different now? Is it you or the the new person in your life? The best quote that has come out now he told to his sister in regard to me: "she's beautiful, she's smart, she's sweet, she's perfect... i just wish she weren't." It seems like essentially everyone agrees this is a waiting game. What if I wait around for the next year and a half or so for nothing? Then I just seem like a fool.

Reilientgirl- Are you saying it's wrong of me to set that as a goal for him?

 

[sadiebabie]

And sorry. Complete brain fart guys. He was engaged before. Proposed before he left for his second deployment. Came home and she was cheating on him. Could this be affecting me and him now that his fourth deployment is coming up?