Anyone else feel lonely when other people can love their families while you can't?

[whenskyended]

Sometimes when I tell my friends that I can't find it in me to love my family after everything they've done to me, they don't really have much to say. It's weird; all the people in my life who I'm close to have strained relationships with one of their parents but they still love the other parent, so they don't really know what to say when I tell them that I love neither of my parents.

After these conversations I'm always left feeling like I should be kinder to my parents. One of my friends who has a strained relationship with her mom said that she wouldn't hesitate to defend her family if someone insulted them, and it made me wonder if I was a bad person for thinking that I wouldn't do the same for mine. I guess if the insult wasn't warranted, then I would defend them a little bit, but I wouldn't try very hard.

I guess it feels right to talk about my background a little bit since I'm on the topic. I feel it's important for me to mention that my family is Asian, and as you can guess they place a lot of emphasis on being loyal to the family and not going against them, regardless of how bad you're treated. I'm a black sheep in my family because I never truly submitted to them and don't force myself to adhere to their standards of how I should be as a person... aka obey traditional gender standards, never talk back to parents/older family members and do whatever they ask of me without question, all that good stuff. It also doesn't really help that my experiences heavily align with those of people on the spectrum, which caused my family to look down on me for not being "normal" and finding it difficult to teach me things or explain things to me because no one had the patience to actually sit down and properly walk me through anything. As a result, I ended up having to teach myself a lot of things that my family should have taught me, but instead mocked me for not being able to grasp quick enough or they thought it wasn't worth the effort of teaching someone that "wasn't smart enough".

Not really sure how I want to end this. tl;dr I'd like people's thoughts on this topic and/or if I'm justified or not in how I feel about my family.

 

[Susan Jane]

I don‘t think anyone can decide what is best or right/wrong for someone else. I have had people tell me I have to love my parents. I say we didn‘t pick our parents but we can pick our friends. The was a hard truth I learned over many years of struggling about it.

 

[whenskyended]

we didn‘t pick our parents but we can pick our friends

That's true! When I have the opportunity, I'm going to seek out friends that are more reliable than most of the friends I currently have. And I agree with you on your sentiment. For me, I could only start trying to love my family when they start really loving me... which won't happen any time soon, or maybe ever. So I guess for now I'll just stick to what I believe in. Thank you for your words

 

[arfie]

i don't have to compare myself to others to feel the alienation of not being able to love or even respect my birth family. over the nearly 50 years i have been estranged from them, i have come to agree with the hassidic proverb that family is not about being right or wrong. it's about being complete. i analogize the ache i feel from the estrangement with, "the phantom limb syndrome." however diseased or life threatening the limb which was amputated, the body will miss it to the end. i believe it is a hard-wired craving bigger than any emotion. even bigger than love. just believing. proof irrelevant.

I feel it's important for me to mention that my family is Asian, and as you can guess they place a lot of emphasis on being loyal to the family and not going against them, regardless of how bad you're treated.

the scotts irish clan i was raised in preached this very principle. i was worse than an ungrateful child when i estranged myself. i was a traitor. i have since come to believe this is a dysfunctional family mantra of all races. if love and nurturing are not available, try a bit of mafia-style manipulation. theological manipulation will work, as well. methinks dysfunctional family manipulation has roots in all the cultures on earth.

 

[Friday]

I’m the opposite.

I come from an amazing family.

I’ve known countless people from shite families. Enlist in the military, and you’ll find 9:10 people from brutal FFS how the hell did you survive so far?!?

But I also know fewer people than I can count on one hand who defend/justify/feed… their shite family.

One of those exclusions that prove the rule? My civilian exHusband. Who I actually trusted where HE drew the line. Shouldn’t have. But did. Because I knew sooooooooo many people from shite families, who didn’t. And were amazing individuals, themselves. He? Was not. And not only lied to ME, but the moment we had kids, tried to feed our own kids through that grist. Nope. f*ck him. f*ck then.

Only knowing people from good families? Speaks to the people YOU relate to. Through personality, employment, etc.. There are PLENTY of shite families out there. And kids from those families? Are as varied as they come. Some, like my ex, are abusive pieces of shit. Most? Distance themselves, in myriad ways. A few? Couldn’t be enticed back under torture.

Where you come from? Isn’t you… unless you CHOOSE them.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

At times. My family is what it is. The chief offenders are dead. The survivors don’t talk to each other except my brother talks to me. I wouldn’t know how to behave in a functional family.

 

[deno]

It takes courage to be honest about what you didn’t receive, and even more to not pretend that love should be there just because someone shares your DNA. What you shared about your family’s expectations reminds me of how culture can be used as a weapon, especially when it's rooted in unquestioned loyalty, shame, and silence. I've seen that too, and it’s a lonely road when your truth challenges the whole structure. But I admire you for standing in that truth. That’s not defiance...that’s integrity.

 

[Charbella]

I’ve found it’s easier not to talk to those who feel this way when it comes to my family. They rarely understand and if they do the bottom line for them is that they would still defend them. Generally it’s because it’s not the same. When you’ve had a halfway normal relationship with adults around you it’s hard to see that someone else didn’t. Your friends seem the hardest to get understanding from because they’ve experienced both. When you’ve say your parent ——, they may have experienced similar but it wasn’t all the time or it wasn’t both parents so they can relate but also can’t because they’ve experienced had some normal. People who have only had loving parents seem to understand better because they are more horrified that any adult could do that to a child, but they also deeply love their wonderful parent so cutting them off is like cutting off an arm so unless you find friends who had two crappy parents your going to find most people have the bottom line of they’d defend them.

So I just find it easier not to say horrible things about my parents unless it’s a very small circle of friends. Around here at least you’ll find a lot more people who will get right behind you wanting to cut your family out of your life.

 

[Susan Jane]

I used to think my family was a reflection of myself. It shamed me and therefore it made me feel everything was my fault, and I was the reason they all abandon me. Now, I know that isn‘t true. I still feel a twang of shame about my worth when I am honest about my past, but mostly I really don‘t give a shit what people think. I am tired of the lies most people tell to fit in. I don‘t fit in, and not because I have such a unique story, but because I tell the truth and people have trouble with my honesty. Most people aren‘t honest out of fear of rejection. I totally understand it, I did it for most of my life.

 

[Dave Ryan]

In my case it's not my parents but my sister that I've cut out of my life, due to her behaviour when she found out what I was having to endure. To cut a long story short, when I was a teenage boy I was a bit overweight and school bullies thought it funny to force me to wear women's shapewear under my school uniform. As you might expect, I loathed it - the humiliation, the discomfort, the fear of discovery.

After a couple of years of this twisted bullying, my sister was in my room being nosy and found where I kept my panty girdle. At first she thought it was some kink I was into, but when I explained I was being forced to wear it and hated it, she was delighted. From that day on she pretty much joined in the bullying, taunting me at every turn.

As we got older and I raised the subject with her, she wasn't remotely apologetic and made it clear that she thought I was weak and pathetic to have put up with it, and eventually she started questioning if I secretly enjoyed it. Eventually we drifted apart and these days I have as little to do with her as possible. You eventually get to that point where you have to accept that some people, even family members, are toxic and are not going to change.