I wasn't sure if I should post my wrap up here or not, because I made a different choice. Katherine, I have been in the same situation just like yours. I would talk myself through that he is still in the military not get out yet and he is not ready for any type of commitment. Then, I would be fine for a couple days. I would really miss him and want to spend time with him. Every time he chooses not to respond to my request and my needs. Other than that, he is always responsive and is there whenever I wanted to talk. It was so hard. In particular for this Memorial Day weekend, I knew he'd travel outside of the country soon after this holiday and he was traveling all the time. Thus, this is the only week for a long time he'd be in CA and we are in the same city. I was all excited and wanted to plan something together. Then, he drove off to CO his hometown without letting me know in advance. He'd choose to spend time with his family and he knew I wanted badly to hang out with him...
Long story short, I could not take it. It is not real to me. It's fake. What this really is? As long as he gets his needs met, he is okay to totally ignore mine. He would walk away without saying anything. Slowly, I was positioned to be like I am not his friend. He has none throughout his life so far. And, I am not his gf, too. So as awkward as it might be, I vented and let him know that I need time out to think thought everything. That I could not understand why he always keeps an arm plus a leg's distance away from me. And what's so hard to see me and hang out with me? And, what's going on? It was quite a surprise and not a surprise at the same time, that I found out he never desired to have any romantic relationship. He never thought he'd be in any relationship in his life. His mother gave him away when he was little and he does not trust anybody. Not a single one of his marines. He then told me that this has nothing to do with PTSD or any other injuries he got. He just likes to be alone, he likes to be lonely, and he likes to be free.
I was so shocked that I realized for those times when I was all sweet and treated him as if he were my bf, he'd turn complete silence. Not argue with me but definitely not respond. Whenever I need a hug or want to meet him or anything, he'd disappear. Then a few days later, we'd chat as if nothing really happens.
In my case, it is obvious that this battle will has no winner at all. I am a compassionate and loving person, very nurturing. But hey, we are humans, we can only love that much. I told him that I need to be nurtured to be able to keep going. He ignored my feelings and needs. I came to the stage that I realize: Even there were no any PTSD or any other injuries, he probably would be better off by just being alone without any distraction from me. The definition of his happiness is by no means compatible with mine. I am in a good stand, financially stable and very promising, I love to raise a wonderful family with my hubby/my soul mate; I want to raise super-smart and cute kids, two boys and one girl would be perfect! ^_^ I am a good person and I know I deserve all of this. But then to be brutally honest with me and with him, my goal by all means is not what he wants for his life with or without PTSD. Did you get me? The end game will absolutely not have me in his plan and his future. He just needs a friend to chat, to cuddle, to love him and without any needs to get love back from him. That's it.
I have been working so hard, working my butt off and adjust my priorities to suit his needs and do research for his injuries. I've written really really long letters with hours spent wrestling with them to him and got zero response. It was hard. It was like I am dealing with a huge black hole that would suck in any love, kindness, compassion without any prospect of reciprocating. Never is enough. Again, in my case, this is not the type of battle that I would still have a glimpse hope of winning over. If I have his needs met and allow myself to lead a life he desires, then I would never ever be possible to have my goals achieved, because what he wants is just not compatible with what I want. Do you get me? He'd be not happy if he leads the life I desire. To sum up, there is no battle for us to fight for anyway.
With that said, I'm done. I am just going to surrender and have to admit that this is not the type of man I am looking for. I do not have what it takes to be with him and same, he does not have what it takes to be with me! Being that said, why waste our time by keeping trying and laboring anything?
I was very fortunate to have booked appointments with my meditation instructor and my dear friend the next day. They'd share my grief and applaud my decision to move on. Still, it hurts. My heart was broken. I felt by being with him and by being with PTSD, I never was able to love myself to the level that I should and deserve. I just voluntarily care him more than myself, this is not healthy! We could not talk for this last conversation. He said he was with his family that he could not talk. Therefore, we ended everything via text msgs. Here is mine: "I wanted this to work badly. God answered my prayer. He brought me back into your life. I thought you would be the one for whatever challenges we will overcome. I failed. Sorry! Thank you for clarifying this! Have a wonderful life!"
...I am sad, very sad. When we give it all and have nothing more to give, then. They say break-up is because the heart is already broken.
On the other hand, it is relieve to me that I all of sudden realize that I do not have to deal with PTSD any more, that it is okay for me not to work that hard in my romantic relationship, that I come to the stage I'd be happy to just relax and let guys do the chase and the hard work, that I'd not to work that hard but instead enjoy being taken care of, that I do not have to worry about if my next guy is still there for me next weekend, that I do not have to worry about any type of triggers or anything like that, that it is possible for me to do grocery shopping with him and go hip-hop dancing with him, that I do not have to stay away from my good friends just because of my choice being with him, that I finally can have my needs met and knowing this is for sure! That I do not have to worry about because he refuses to get any more treatment, that he'd ride bike whiling texting me, that he'd drive 12+ hours without taking proper rest, that I do not have to worry about anything about him, that I am free and available for many opportunities to come! By the way, he just told me during our last conversation that he'd leave military and leave CA anyway. That's just how important I would be in his heart... :)
I truly salute to all of PTSD Carers and spouses! You guys are truly awesome! It takes a lot to be able to go through all this! That you all are truly amazing! And, this is just not my thing. I cannot force him to want what he doesn't want anyway. I hope you all have your beloved ones healed completely and your dreams/goals achieved and be happy, stay happy ever after!!!
My intimate experience with one PTSDer started on April 11th and completed on May 28th. Thank you for this journey and everything!
Ciao,
L.C.
Long story short, I could not take it. It is not real to me. It's fake. What this really is? As long as he gets his needs met, he is okay to totally ignore mine. He would walk away without saying anything. Slowly, I was positioned to be like I am not his friend. He has none throughout his life so far. And, I am not his gf, too. So as awkward as it might be, I vented and let him know that I need time out to think thought everything. That I could not understand why he always keeps an arm plus a leg's distance away from me. And what's so hard to see me and hang out with me? And, what's going on? It was quite a surprise and not a surprise at the same time, that I found out he never desired to have any romantic relationship. He never thought he'd be in any relationship in his life. His mother gave him away when he was little and he does not trust anybody. Not a single one of his marines. He then told me that this has nothing to do with PTSD or any other injuries he got. He just likes to be alone, he likes to be lonely, and he likes to be free.
I was so shocked that I realized for those times when I was all sweet and treated him as if he were my bf, he'd turn complete silence. Not argue with me but definitely not respond. Whenever I need a hug or want to meet him or anything, he'd disappear. Then a few days later, we'd chat as if nothing really happens.
In my case, it is obvious that this battle will has no winner at all. I am a compassionate and loving person, very nurturing. But hey, we are humans, we can only love that much. I told him that I need to be nurtured to be able to keep going. He ignored my feelings and needs. I came to the stage that I realize: Even there were no any PTSD or any other injuries, he probably would be better off by just being alone without any distraction from me. The definition of his happiness is by no means compatible with mine. I am in a good stand, financially stable and very promising, I love to raise a wonderful family with my hubby/my soul mate; I want to raise super-smart and cute kids, two boys and one girl would be perfect! ^_^ I am a good person and I know I deserve all of this. But then to be brutally honest with me and with him, my goal by all means is not what he wants for his life with or without PTSD. Did you get me? The end game will absolutely not have me in his plan and his future. He just needs a friend to chat, to cuddle, to love him and without any needs to get love back from him. That's it.
I have been working so hard, working my butt off and adjust my priorities to suit his needs and do research for his injuries. I've written really really long letters with hours spent wrestling with them to him and got zero response. It was hard. It was like I am dealing with a huge black hole that would suck in any love, kindness, compassion without any prospect of reciprocating. Never is enough. Again, in my case, this is not the type of battle that I would still have a glimpse hope of winning over. If I have his needs met and allow myself to lead a life he desires, then I would never ever be possible to have my goals achieved, because what he wants is just not compatible with what I want. Do you get me? He'd be not happy if he leads the life I desire. To sum up, there is no battle for us to fight for anyway.
With that said, I'm done. I am just going to surrender and have to admit that this is not the type of man I am looking for. I do not have what it takes to be with him and same, he does not have what it takes to be with me! Being that said, why waste our time by keeping trying and laboring anything?
I was very fortunate to have booked appointments with my meditation instructor and my dear friend the next day. They'd share my grief and applaud my decision to move on. Still, it hurts. My heart was broken. I felt by being with him and by being with PTSD, I never was able to love myself to the level that I should and deserve. I just voluntarily care him more than myself, this is not healthy! We could not talk for this last conversation. He said he was with his family that he could not talk. Therefore, we ended everything via text msgs. Here is mine: "I wanted this to work badly. God answered my prayer. He brought me back into your life. I thought you would be the one for whatever challenges we will overcome. I failed. Sorry! Thank you for clarifying this! Have a wonderful life!"
...I am sad, very sad. When we give it all and have nothing more to give, then. They say break-up is because the heart is already broken.
On the other hand, it is relieve to me that I all of sudden realize that I do not have to deal with PTSD any more, that it is okay for me not to work that hard in my romantic relationship, that I come to the stage I'd be happy to just relax and let guys do the chase and the hard work, that I'd not to work that hard but instead enjoy being taken care of, that I do not have to worry about if my next guy is still there for me next weekend, that I do not have to worry about any type of triggers or anything like that, that it is possible for me to do grocery shopping with him and go hip-hop dancing with him, that I do not have to stay away from my good friends just because of my choice being with him, that I finally can have my needs met and knowing this is for sure! That I do not have to worry about because he refuses to get any more treatment, that he'd ride bike whiling texting me, that he'd drive 12+ hours without taking proper rest, that I do not have to worry about anything about him, that I am free and available for many opportunities to come! By the way, he just told me during our last conversation that he'd leave military and leave CA anyway. That's just how important I would be in his heart... :)
I truly salute to all of PTSD Carers and spouses! You guys are truly awesome! It takes a lot to be able to go through all this! That you all are truly amazing! And, this is just not my thing. I cannot force him to want what he doesn't want anyway. I hope you all have your beloved ones healed completely and your dreams/goals achieved and be happy, stay happy ever after!!!
My intimate experience with one PTSDer started on April 11th and completed on May 28th. Thank you for this journey and everything!
Ciao,
L.C.
