I Made A Horrible Connection Today In Therapy

[winterose]

Possible Triggers Below: Please Proceed With Caution.


I had 3 major flashbacks today with a ton of tiny one's. We were talking about going away or drifting off when things get uncomfortable when my anxiety goes off the map which it has been the past 3 days. I been in a flood zone with them. Well I managed somehow to get out what I was feeling then that feeling connected with one flashback. Don's BDSM training of me. Ok breathe.

I'm in a basement. I'm tied with my hand above my head. He's walking around me. Telling me how I am there to please him. And that I will PLEASE him. That I am now his and his alone. To do with what he wants. ok Break Time.

That led to my mom and when I was little and she had a canister of spoons. She used to spank me with this mustard color spoon. Somehow I got away from her and was cuddled up in the corner of the front door. She started throwing all the spoons at me. I remember saying I be good mommy I be good.

and now the priest..oh boy....without detail here the wanting to be good...I'll obey.

For f*cks sakes..I just wanted to know what I had to do to not be hurt anymore...wow has this led me into so much trouble.

 

[winterose]

I feel like a horrible person.

 

[Lucycat]

You are NOT a horrible person.

You a good person who has been dealt a tough hand in life. You had to protect yourself. Of course you you always wanted to obey - I am sure you knew well enough the consequences of not doing so. You certainly feared the possible consequences. That in itself is good enough reason.

My T always says that flashbacks are less scary when you know they are *only* a flashback. For me that is correct. However horrific I can cope with it so much better by knowing it is a simple trick of the mind and cannot hurt me. They used to take days to get over. Now just a matter of hours. I won't allow flashbacks to have any power over me.

 

[winterose]

Thanks BrucieLucy....things have eased up and I decided to get a certified music therapist to help with this stuff. Maybe if I can get all the terror out Im seeing first it will slow things down enough for me to logically go through this a bit less heavier.

 

[littlelostchild]

Oh my goodness, wooden spoons - you, too? They were also my mom's go to weapon, among other things. You tried really hard to be good and not make mistakes, but you were GOOD, you were a child. The adults were supposed to protect, care for, and nurture you. I am so sorry that you had to live through that.
My therapist reminds me to 'ground' myself when I get caught up in a memory. Memories can't hurt us because they are only memories. When I get really sad, I listen to music and do abstract painting. I can't cry, so it is like crying from my brain. I hope the music helps you the way the painting helps me! :hug:

 

[Heather]

My mother use to hit us with wooden spoons too! Another "happy" memory from childhood.

Sorry you had to go through that.

Take care.

 

[winterose]

Thanks Heather and littlelostchildhood. :)

 

[Heather]

This is why I make a conscious choice everyday NOT to hit my own daughter because I live with the memories of what my mother did to us as kids and those aren't pleasant things that I remember.

 

[littlelostchild]

This is why I make a conscious choice everyday NOT to hit my own daughter because I live with the memories of what my mother did to us as kids and those aren't pleasant things that I remember.

When I was 6 I told God that I would never treat anyone the way I was being treated. I have lived my life that way ever since. This is probably the only thing I do without thinking that I am happy about right now. I feel sad when I remember that promise - I remember very little of the abuse I suffered during that time (sexual, emotional and emotional) but it must have been bad for a 6 year old to make that promise.

 

[littlelostchild]

Heather, I am so glad you make that choice every day. I believe that my parents were abused and they continued the cycle with me. You are breaking the cycle! - Heather I meant to begin my reply to you with this statement (I am not great with social protocols. I sometimes forget until after I have pressed send. Sorry)

I tried my best with my children, not consciously in their early days (I have always used repression) then more consciously. I am sure I made mistakes and forgot my oath on certain days. I will learn to forgive myself. But they have turned out to be great people (in their 20s now). I have made mistakes and hurt people without meaning to.

 

[winterose]

Ok going with that post of why I feel like a horrible person.

I got charmed by first sexual sadist, went through some therapy, understood the risks of where I was vulnerable and how that could give me a target on me, enter second jerk, tried to push him away for couple years, keep him at a distant..but ..this was before I realized, and I STILL fell into the damn trap. I am staying single. Period. It's not fun doubting yourself and not trusting yourself not to make that mistake again. I have to dig deep so this never happens again.. is it possible to hheal that wound that's like a beacon call to other jackasses? With so much different levels of cruelty in the world, how do you measure which is which?