I miss my old therapist

[Tritri]

She terminated me because she didn't have enough training in my level of trauma. This was after years of good work together for other things. It was a shock I didn't see it coming. Sliced my heart in two to be honest.

Started with someone new, trying my best to move forward and be positive but I just keep sitting there thinking "I miss my old T"...because she was such a good fit for me, I am starting to think it might be time to call it a day on therapy all together.

Nothing wrong with the new one, just such a different style and it just feels "clunky" between us. She doesn't get me like the old one.

I just feel down, miss the safe space I used to have once a week with someone who knew me so well...

I'm so tired of trying to find the right help I'm starting to think maybe I just only help myself and stop hoping for anything more than that.

I don't even know what I'm looking for anyway. Sorry just needed to vent

 

[ladee]

I understand. Not knowing how long you have been on this journey, How long have you been with your new T... it takes time , and if you are comparing her to the T you had, the new T is at a disadvantage from the beginning.... of course this T may not be right for you, but depending on where you are in healing.... just giving up on Therapy might not be the best way for you to go...

I have been lucky... I only had on T that him and I did not click... it is a hassle to find the right fit... how was it it with your first T, was it just smooth from the beginning, or did you have to get to know each other a little... of course the choice is yours... but missing your old T is not necessarily a reason to stop therapy all together.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Did your first T even give you an option??? So much of therapy is the therapeutic relationship. I would take that over specific experience any day. I don't think mine is specifically knowledgeable about c-ptsd but she knows some stuff and we get along really, really well. And so I can actually talk to her. Unless you're in crisis mode a lot and need that extra support that she can't give you maybe see if you can go back to her?

 

[Deleted member 29920]

The same thing happened to me a few years ago. It hurt like hell. I feel that pain a little when I read similar stories even now. Don't give up, it's likely there'll be other good ones out there for you, and probably better ones. The pain does go, believe me. I never thought it would, it felt like I'd die if I didn't see mine again but it's a few years now and I'm still here. It took me about 6 months from that shock termination to start to feel ok that I'd never see T again. Take care of yourself :hug:

 

[Tritri]

Did your first T even give you an option??? So much of therapy is the therapeutic relationshi...

She didn't give me an option. I'm not in crisis mode all the time or anything, which I guess makes it hurt more. The minute she realised the extent of my trauma issues she just pulled her support away.

I could have had one more "closure" session but I was so hurt and humiliated I turned it down.

Feels like when I finally confided in someone and let someone in - which took years to get to - she was scared and repulsed and dropped me BANG!!!

I wish I could beg her to take me back but that's pathetic and even if she did I would always be scared she would drop me again and wouldn't have the trust anymore...

It hurts like being dumped by a boyfriend which is ridiculous I didn't realise I was so attached...

 

[hithere]

I am so, so sorry you had this happen. I'm reading this and feel so angry for you, and I can understand your hurt. I was terminated by a T years ago, and I have never gotten over it. When people on this forum say things like, "your T won't terminate you, they are trained for this type of thing," I really want to jump through the screen and set them straight. Yes, termination is a very real possibility when you disclose your feelings or parts of your trauma. You must be prepared for this happening, in my opinion. Therapists are people with their own crap to deal with and some of them have crappy training and some of them are just idiots. Being terminated after disclosing is a total slam in the face and confirms that all the "safety" issues we face aren't imaginary.
I think that giving up on therapy for awhile isn't a bad idea. When I was terminated I was suicidal. I had a Psychiatrist who helped me with it and he told me "Life is a therapist," and that therapy isn't necessary. He told me therapy requires both patient and counselor to be "all in" and make an "effort." The counselor must make an effort, too. Taking a break from therapy for a year or two or more could help you feel more stable. Take a martial arts class, horseback riding lessons, art lessons, sing in a choir. This made sound stupid or "trite" but from my experience this is what helped me move along and grieve and recover from the trauma of getting terminated.
It's been years later and I started therapy for c-ptsd again. I constantly am fearful of being terminated after disclosing and left alone to deal with outrageous aftermath and emotions. I am very sorry you're going through this. You sound much more resilient than me, though. I hope all the best for you.

 

[Tritri]

I am so, so sorry you had this happen. I'm reading this and feel so angry for you, and I can understand...

"Being terminated after disclosing is a total slam in the face and confirms that all the "safety" issues we face aren't imaginary."

That is exactly what happened. Now no one feels safe, I can't see the point of even trying to get close to this new therapist, I feel sure she will reject me, just like the old one. I feel beaten down, betrayed, so ashamed of myself, hurt, lost, angry, and totally disillusioned with therapy (and how much money and time I invested over years to just get re-traumatised again).

The old T used to say "I'm in this for the long haul" over and over and that she was "a safe person" "someone I could trust", that this time it would be different, I was projecting my childhood trust issues because "she wasn't going to hurt me", this was a safe space etc etc...

I would ask her regularly was she sure she could keep working with me and she would promise yes yes, I didn't need to worry about her....she had her supervisor, she was there for me and I was safe etc...

And then I confided in her about something, felt proud of myself for this, and the very next session she said she had the name of someone else to refer me to, this wasn't her area, etc etc...

I got a bit emotional but kept it together better than expected (think I went in to shock) and she just said couldn't I just look at it as us having done some good work together for a time but now it was time for a new chapter with someone else...this was such a flippant disregard of the sense of abandonment and shock I was experiencing...it was crushing!!! Plus my life was in turmoil at the time, my husband and I had been discussing potentially separating...stuff was a mess...I just can't believe she would do that to me, and I'm so ashamed she must really have seen me as a freak to do that...it's really unsettled me.

I think your advice about real life being the therapy might be bang on! Although my new T is very experienced in the area my old T was freaked out by, I don't feel any trust or much of a connection at all to be honest...but maybe it's just too soon to try this again...

Something to think about at least.

But yeah the pain of this sort of rejection is unbelievable, i feel like it has replayed my childhood trauma out all over again and made it twenty times as hard now to ever recover from it...

And even though I'm angry at her, my inner child misses her so much and I often have to stop myself contacting her to beg for that last closure session as if somehow that would fix things...but sometimes I am just desperate to see her even if it's only for one last time

Pathetic!

 

[kilted]

It sounds like it triggered a lot of past stuff and I am saddened that your old therapist treated you the way she did. I don't believe in this thing about therapists needing "trained" in particular types of trauma.... yes it helps a lot, and is a part of a therapist staying one step ahead of the client. THis can be as simple as reading a couple of classic texts on a particular subject between sessions, booking extra supervision with a specialist supervisor or doing a weekend workshop with an expert to gain access to an experienced peer group..... these can all be done on the job so that the therapist learns alongside the client...... something that can be powerful, particularly if the therapist admits their inexperience and vulnerability.

In this case it sounds more like the therapist felt personally triggered by something and out of their emotional depth. This would explain the rapid referral, probably after discussion with their supervisor.

It might also explain something about the closeness of the relationship you built before the disclosure.... because there was something subconscious happening between you.... a similarity in personal experience that helped build empathy, as long as neither of you brought in into awareness. Because this was out of your old therapists awareness it wasn't something she was prepared for.....

If she truly believes that she needed "more training" to work with you and terminated that quickly I'd say you might have dodged a bullet... because the style of termination, leaving you wanting "closure" indicates she wasn't as relationally and transferentially aware as you think she was.

In my therapeutic journey I've come across several therapists who are happy to build relationships as long as you're one of the "worried well" but bale when significant disclosure happens and they have to work for their money.

 

[hithere]

Please don't call yourself pathetic for desperately wanting (needing) to see your incompetent former therapist. this is a natural response to opening up this stuff that is so raw and painful. I'm sure you would not call any child (or adult) pathetic that feels lost and abandoned. Also, there is nothing wrong with trying to see her one last time There is nothing wrong with needing this very human interaction. Just prepare yourself to not receive what you need from her... it might be a very frustrating last meeting. On the other hand, perhaps she will be honest with her feelings and with you. If she is incapable of a compassionate response then she needs to get out of the business and take job a dealing with numbers instead of people.

 

[UnicornSightings]

She didn't give me an option. I'm not in crisis mode all the time or anything, which I guess makes it hurt more. The mi...

Ok please don't add to the hurt. Are you sure she was "shocked" and "repulsed"? Sounds like maybe she just realized she was in over her head and wouldn't be able to help you in the way you need and in THAT case, good for her. So many therapists stay with clients when they aren't helping at all. If she's just realizing her limits in this then this really may be for the best. Not to minimize the pain you are in or anything. I can't imagine. Sooooo much love to you. Good things will come of this. Trust that. Trust in your path, even if you're unsure of where it will lead.