I Need An Outside Perspective

[Saedhilian]

This is going to be long as there is a lot going on in my head, but I hope that this still gets read.
I don't want to die, I want a chance at a better life, but right now that is seeming hopeless.
I don't want sympathy, I want someone to look me in the eye, tell me they understand, and mean it.

Let me start at the beginning:
I was raised in a volatile home. After many years of calling the police for help when I was being abused, they started ignoring me. My brother physically and emotionally abused me, my mother got physically assaultive as I got older, my step-dad raped me (although I have no memory, there is evidence, and I was also raped my by ex) and I watched him a die a slow painful death of a brain tumor and pancreatic cancer. School was a nightmare and I was bullied a lot. I have tried to kill myself more times than I can remember and have been hospitalized around 14 times since age 11 and have seen more horrors and abuse inside those places than I care to even recall. My mother pumped me full of pills and gave me literally no privacy at all. She taught me to believe that I was "the problem" and everything was my fault. Doctors told me I had BPD, which never made sense to me as I only ever wanted to be left alone. Only now do I know that I have Asperger's Syndrome, and it sort of clicked last year when I realized 1. how similar my old roommate who has AS and I are, and 2. my brother was diagnosed with AS when he was in middle school.

I don't remember much between ages 17-20. I spent a lot of time away from home and was homeless for about 2 years. Stayed in the mental health system who continued to further abuse me. Then I ended up in a cultic (non-intimate) relationship for a year where this guy had convinced my roommate and I that we were being followed by a demon and only he could help us. He was such a good liar that he could convince you that he was helping you and you were hurting yourself, even though he was the one hurting you. He kept us food and sleep deprived for months and months and nearly every night we had all night criticism and confession sessions. He isolated me from friends and family. He stole 14+hrs of my day every day on average. He made me his puppet in my disability case because I knew everything I said would have to be reported back. All right under the nose of case managers who had to have seen the changes in me and did nothing. After watching his father die with him, and losing a friend shortly thereafter (which he twisted, as he did with all of the other deaths of people I knew), he hung up on me one day and I was just done. It was over. I watched a man die for him and he treated me like shit and I couldn't do it anymore.

After realizing I had been in a cult, I studied cult psychology and quickly realized that none of these "professionals" knew anything about it. As far as I know, I was the only "expert" in the area on it. When I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation, I had to explain cults to the doctor and I'm not even certain he believed me as he also said I have BPD, ignoring that that is a common misdiagnosis for women with Asperger's. After leaving there, I decided that I was lied to my entire life and these people did not want to and were not going to help me. Nobody was. They had created a dependency, and I was done with it. I reported Bill, the cult leader, to the police and they wouldn't do anything because he was in a different city (the two cities, mine and his, are right next to each other but different jurisdictions), and his city's police would do nothing because I lived in a different city.

I got off of all the meds because I was sick of drug propogating doctors that did nothing that actually helped me. I got off of state disability (the $269 I had lived on for 3 years) and told the mental health system to f*ck off. And then I got my first job, with the goal in mind to leave that awful state forever to find real experts who could diagnose me and maybe get somewhere with therapy. So I saved the money, and moved out of state to live with my boyfriend as he said that I could. And now I am here, living with him and his mother. He is wonderful, but the more I am around his mom, the more uncomfortable I feel. She doesn't know I have PTSD, AS, depression, anxiety, and a lengthy history of hospitalizations and psych problems, and I don't know how to even bring that up. All through December all I could think about was watching Bill's dad die. I've had flashbacks and nightmares nearly every day/night and keep my panic attacks quiet.

I started looking for jobs and got a job at the Salvation Army. Monday was my first day, and by now (Thursday) I just can't even do it. Being there makes me feel like I did in high school and yesterday all I could think about was how "I should just kill myself because I can't do this and Justin's mom is going to be mad." It was everything I could do to keep from crying. Today I called in sick because I had a panic attack at the thought of going in and couldn't stop crying. So, as I thought, Ma is not happy and said it was ridiculous. Justin (my bf) has just put in his notice at his job because things were not going well there. He had an interview last week and hasn't heard back from them yet. Ma says "you both can't not work" and I am aware of this, but I cannot go to this job. The social aspects are just too difficult; my supervisor doesn't like me, I work with mostly women (I've never gotten along well with women because I'm "too weird" and don't act like they do or something), and the dust is making me more sick than I already am (bronchitis). So, I can't go but I can't leave.

I can feel myself breaking down; I don't even feel like myself anymore. This is not me, and this is not who I want to be. I feel terrible because Ma was practically throwing it in Justin's face that she "went to work when she thought she was having a heart attack just to feed him." Yet the other day she told me about how bringing up the past was useless and whatever because of something that happened with my mother that was giving me flashbacks. I feel like people want me to just "stop thinking about it" when I CAN'T. I'm sorry, but PTSD doesn't just magically go away and when I have flashbacks, I can't just "not think about it." That's kind of the definition of a flashback; it's not something that is INTENTIONAL. I feel so flawed and useless and am feeling very uncertain about living with her. This is not okay with me; I cannot be around someone who is invalidating, intentional or otherwise. But I don't have the type of personality or current strength to even be able to push back. I'm not lazy, I work hard, but when I'm triggered, I derail. And right now, I'm derailing. Everything is just too much right now and I'm sick of living under the shadow of everything that has happened to me. But at least I don't throw it in people's faces like she just did, because I get tired of it being thrown in my face, so why would I do that to someone else? That's just horrible.

I'm not sure what to do. Today I started working on a cover letter for another job. There are other applications I've filled out floating around at various places, but I haven't heard back from any of them. Is it really so wrong of me to quit this job if it's taking such a toll on me? It's only four hours a day, but it is sucking the life right out of me. Am I wrong to think that a job shouldn't make me feel like I should kill myself? I need some perspective right now; I'm in too deep to think logically about any of this. Sorry for the length of this, but I feel it was all important. Thanks to those who were able to read all the way through.

~Saedhilian

 

[digger]

From what I understand, you haven't told his mum about any of your problems? Have I understood that correctly? Perhaps if she knew, her attitude might be different. She is basing her judgement of you wanting to quit your job on what she would expect of someone without PTSD and Aspergers and the other issues you have. If you don't tell her, how can she be expected to make the allowances you want her to make?

As for the job, no a job shouldn't be making you want to kill yourself, but I do have to ask if you think three days is long enough to decide you don't like the job or the people there? If you are unable to work, what other options are available to you? Is going back on disability an option? Do you have a therapist at the moment who could help you work some of this out?

 

[Saedhilian]

I haven't told her about the PTSD or depression, and I'm not sure what Justin has told her. I'm just not sure of how to say it to her and I'm worried that she will simply try to say how she worked when blahblahblah was happening and hold me to her expectations of herself.

I know that it has been an incredibly short time, but I'm worried about how this job is triggering me. I really think my supervisor doesn't like me and I'm never sure what I should be doing, or I'm worried I'll get told I'm doing the wrong thing even though it seemed like the right thing. There's no structure, the back room is unsafe, there's so much dust, and I don't feel like it's okay to ask questions. I just filled out an application for a local store and am really hoping that they will call as my first job, in retail, was very good. Somehow, ironically, it seems that I'm better suited to customer service because helping people makes me feel good. Disability isn't really an option, and I don't want to deal with all of the courts and departments and things - I really want to be able to work, but this setting is not okay with me.

Right now I don't have a therapist as I have to first get an ID to get insurance to get a therapist. The whole moving process is far more taxing than I thought it would be.

I guess my biggest concern about all of this is Ma, and how she'll react if I do tell her that because of the way this job triggers me, I just can't do it. And if she were to kick me out, I'd be homeless and have nowhere to go, and I don't know this city very well.

EDIT: I should probably mention that when I'm very stressed, it becomes nearly impossible for me to speak. That's primarily why I don't talk about things and haven't told her; when I'm doing okay, I feel ashamed even thinking about when things aren't good so I try not to talk or think about it. And this morning when she brought it up, I couldn't even look her in the eye.

 

[Lionheart]

I can't say that I understand about cult activity (other than that they attempt to manipulate and control a person), but I do understand about the feeling of hopelessness associated with childhood abuse issues. I have been in therapy and on a healing path for many years and I want you to know that it is absolutely possible for you to heal and to have a better life; one in which you want to live rather than kill yourself (over a job or any other reason).

May I please suggest to you that you see, or continue to see, a trauma therapist *(ask about their experience with cult activity beforehand), read as much literature as you can get your hands on, and continue to reach out for help. It is a huge step forward that you have taken by posting about your experiences here and I wish you much success and healing in your life.

 

[Valentino]

After realizing I had been in a cult, I studied cult psychology and quickly realized that none of these "professionals" knew anything about it. As far as I know, I was the only "expert" in the area on it. When I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation, I had to explain cults to the doctor and I'm not even certain he believed me as he also said I have BPD, ignoring that that is a common misdiagnosis for women with Asperger's. After leaving there, I decided that I was lied to my entire life and these people did not want to and were not going to help me. Nobody was. They had created a dependency, and I was done with it.

I have also recently self diagnosed myself with Asperger's Syndrome and I'm also pretty sure several of my family members are BPD or have some variation of personality disorder.

I really admire and can relate to your frustration with 'experts'. It was so freeing to rebel and trust my own understanding and research validated by real life experience and testing. The regular world is full of pseudo experts who care more about protecting their image instead of getting to the raw truth. It's so easy to get confused and lost, then fall into some variation of codependency. Seems quite crazy to an Aspie brain, but to neurotypicals apparently it's quite normal, understandable and maybe enjoyable too? Their version of help is a rescue/enabling relationship which perversely often keeps all people involved in a constant subtle state of helplessness.

I started looking for jobs and got a job at the Salvation Army. Monday was my first day, and by now (Thursday) I just can't even do it. Being there makes me feel like I did in high school and yesterday all I could think about was how "I should just kill myself because I can't do this and Justin's mom is going to be mad." It was everything I could do to keep from crying. Today I called in sick because I had a panic attack at the thought of going in and couldn't stop crying.
... The social aspects are just too difficult; my supervisor doesn't like me, I work with mostly women (I've never gotten along well with women because I'm "too weird" and don't act like they do or something), and the dust is making me more sick than I already am (bronchitis). So, I can't go but I can't leave.

Most likely you will have to change jobs, this one is too socially challenging, the environment is too overwhelming, and your PTSD is probably weakening your already limited Aspie brain's ability to tolerate and adapt.

Try to push through and endure the current job as best you can, being mindful of your physical and psychological limitations.

Look for a new job that has a more controlled environment, less surprising or overwhelming stimulus. Maybe something that involves analysis, thinking, technical, or slow precise work? Something that can take advantage of your unique strengths but also a place that is more predictable and maybe a bit on the boring and dull side to most.

But at least I don't throw it in people's faces like she just did, because I get tired of it being thrown in my face, so why would I do that to someone else? That's just horrible.

I can so relate to this! So many people recklessly dump their emotional baggage onto others, simply because they don't want to deal with their own issues. It's totally frustrating and unfair. But as an Aspie and being in the minority that notices this, I'm the one who has to adapt to this very common behavior pattern in others.

Best of luck with your job situation, I'm sure you'll figure out a way to pull through this, you're a survivor and highly adaptive, your life history has already proven this.

 

[Saedhilian]

Thank you all so much for the comments and support. I am just a wreck today and all of the things in my brain aren't giving me enough space to figure them out. I really appreciate the support.

My boyfriend suggested that maybe I should talk to my supervisor and tell her that I have PTSD and AS (even though I don't have official diagnoses, as they probably won't ask me for paperwork about it - plus, that's part of why I moved here, to get diagnosed by experts as there are none in SW Michigan). I'm just not sure what I'd be asking her for specifically. The best that I can come up with is something like, "My last job was very structured and training was rather lengthy, so I was able to get a good understanding of what my responsibilities were. I know that this is an entirely different setting and sometimes feel confused because of the lack of training. Obviously this isn't a specialized job or anything, but what I need is for you to explain to me what you need me to do/if you need me to be doing something different so that I am certain I am on track until I get more accustomed." Also, upon reflection (since I can't turn my brain off right now despite 3 valerian root), I'm not entirely certain that I'm fully reacting to my actual environment. It is possible that I'm reacting to triggers; sometimes when something triggers me I am no long reacting to my actual settings but what is in my head, so it is like navigating two worlds at once which is very confusing. It could be that the room is too yellow (wooden walls of a light color that gives the room a sort of yellow glow, and I don't do well with yellow/orange rooms), I am self-conscious around so many women, I don't understand what my supervisor means by her tone (I try very hard to have a friendly tone with people as my natural tone is rather low, which sometimes people interpret as being mean), or maybe a mix of all of it.

I spent two or so hours earlier writing a cover letter and applying at CVS, so that is taken care of at least. I think the most important things for me about work are structure, process and understanding what I am doing. I also really like helping customers, but unfortunately I am in a back room. I also have none of those three important things right now. Tomorrow I think I have no choice but to speak with my supervisor and hope she understands because I cannot continue on like this. They are required to make accommodations for people with disabilities so long as it isn't hurtful to the company. It just really hurts to realize, "Oh wow, this is what 'disabled' means," and sure, I could think about the things I'm good at, but that just makes me feel sad about not being at Meijer anymore and how they don't have a store out here.

Also, in regards to Ma, Justin says she may be aware of the PTSD and such, but she's of the old school mentality "get over it." So I'm really thinking that I am going to have to figure a way to get my own place down the road because even though I like her as a person, I just feel uncomfortable living with her. Her style of communication is hurtful to me sometimes and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells near her, which is exactly what I do not want in my life. One of my big things is being independent and not feeling trapped in my own home because I dealt with that for way too long. I also think I may need to ask him why he continues to live with her if she acts this way because even though I understand the financial aspect and that she says she can't live alone, and I respect that, at the same time it seems abusive to me when she speaks to him the way she did earlier, so based on that I don't understand staying.

@Lionheart777 - One of my goals is to find a therapist, but it's unlikely that I will find someone familiar with cults, and even more unlikely that I'd find somebody familiar with cults and AS. So I think my best bet is finding someone who may not be an expert, but is willing to learn. First I need to get an ID and insurance, so unfortunately it's going to be a process, but I am hoping that I will be able to get it all sorted out soon.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Valentino,
You seem to be slipping into a pattern of slamming "neuro-typicals" for whatever reason. I find it a bit off-putting. Would you like to be put down for being an aspie? No, I didn't think so. I bring this up because your widespread generalizations about those who aren't like you will make it harder for "neuro-typicals" like myself to like you or help you.

 

[Valentino]

@Solara It was my intention to share a perspective from one Aspie to another Aspie.. the similar struggles we share trying to adapt..

Thank you for being so typically neurotypical, rushing to judgment and shaming me in public. Trying to limit my freedom of expression.

And totally ignoring the intention and rest of my message and the topic of this discussion.

Rebellion is so freeing. Rejection isn't that bad. My arms are shaking though, but it's exciting to feel the blood racing through my veins..

@Saedhilian sorry if this might be sidetracking your thread, but I think this can be a real life example of how to stand up to subtle shame attacks neurotypicals and non-neurotypicals often use in the guise of helping someone. Sometimes it can be useful to call out shaming behavior.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Saedhilian, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain. I have been in similar positions throughout my past and its important to realize that although its a rough road, you can and will find a job that suits your needs, especially with the courage you seem to have (posting on this forum took a great amount of courage).

Most places do require documentation to utilize any disability according to ADA standards. For those of you not familiar with the acronym ADA. It stands for Americans with Disabilities Act.

 

[scout86]

Valentino, I think it's possible to share a perspective without making sweeping generalizations. Perhaps it's just my opinion, but I think reality is best represented without over generalizing.

And, I guess I understood Solara differently than you did. I didn't take that as an attempt to "limit your freedom of expression", but as an attempt to point out potential consequences of the way you'd expressed yourself. You are certainly free to express yourself however you want and others are equally free to react accordingly. Perhaps you are totally aware of how you came across. I think Solara was giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Saedhilian, you're quite right, your job shouldn't make you want to kill yourself! Have you discussed you challenges with your supervisors at work? If they can understand everything you're dealing with, maybe they can find ways to make the job work better for you. Everyone has their own learning style. A good manager, if they know you appreciate structure and clear instructions, will work to give you that. Some people operate best that way, some people don't. Some managers might make assumptions based on past experience that aren't right for the current situation. If you can, it might be helpful to talk this through with your supervisor.

I hope you can find a job where they understand you and you can feel comfortable, and that you can go on to live the life you want to live.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Valentino,
Your reply to me is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. "Thank you for being so TYPICALLY neurotypical"....?! I think it's sad that you're making such an effort to put down those who are not like you. My point wasn't to put you down for being different--- I wasn't. My point was to say that you are actively trying to separate yourself from other people and as such you may end up finding yourself in a very lonely place.

Please re-read and take off those aspie glasses. I had PTSD glasses on at one point, and it helped me SO much to be able to take them off and see the world from a more all-encompassing perspective. I say this because you're taking what I said out of context. I didn't rush to judgement, I wasn't shaming you in public, and I wasn't limiting your freedom of expression.

 

[Saedhilian]

@Ghostybear73 - Hmm...I don't have any records left from MI as I wanted to leave them all behind and get away from it. Do you think it would be reasonable to them if I explained that I don't have any paperwork as that is part of the reason I moved here, to get properly diagnosed?