I Need An Outside Perspective

[Valentino]

@Solara I tried to take this private but you rejected me out right. So I'll just respond to one point and leave it at that... you don't really seem to care about how I feel or want to understand my perspective, so what's the point?

Please re-read and take off those aspie glasses. I had PTSD glasses on at one point, and it helped me SO much to be able to take them off and see the world from a more all-encompassing perspective. I say this because you're taking what I said out of context. I didn't rush to judgement, I wasn't shaming you in public, and I wasn't limiting your freedom of expression.

The Aspie glasses analogy is great point.... That's the POINT... Aspie glasses CAN NOT come off. Everything is perceived with the limitations of wearing Aspie glasses. As much as I want to see and keep up with what neurotypicals say and do, I simply can not.

Judging myself.. shaming myself for having limitations from an Aspie brain.. Hoping that there is some magical cure. All of that is a waste of time when it's a disability. The best I can do is adapt and cope with that limitation.

@Saedhilian sorry for sidetracking your thread, but this is how easy it is to mis-communicate or accidentally trigger other people as an Aspie. I then I end up facing shame and judgement for not getting in line. I'm not following all the unwritten social rules and expectations, people are openly willing to punish and banish, but few are willing to take the time and risk to learn HOW I think, WHY I specifically wrote what I said, and WHAT I was really trying to convey.

 

[anthony]

Self-diagnosis is dangerous, and completely irresponsible. Maybe those above who believe they have something because they read some list on the Internet, should take themselves off to professionals (psychiatrist) and obtain what is wrong, and stop being Internet doctors and self-diagnosing. Chances are... you could have PTSD, then chances are, you could be a hypochondriac, both of which are mental health diagnoses.

You won't know though unless you seek professional diagnosis.

 

[Ghostybear73]

It really does depend on the employer. in my opinion, you haven't been there long enough for them to extend you any kind of assistance. If you are trying to leave that life behind, you may want to reconsider the ADA option. On the other hand, it might be the only thing you can do at this time.

I know from a managerial perspective, even with the protection of the ADA, they can still find a way to fire you. Before anyone starts arguing with me, the laws that protect you are only as good as the lawyers representing you.

Anyways, I'm not trying to be a negative in your already negative world. I would keep applying and calling and try to get a job that doesn't set off so many triggers. Listen to some of the places other people posted that you might find would be an easier environment.

In the meantime, you are in a real precarious situation with the boyfriends mom. he needs to stand up for you and get his mom to back off. Its only her business if you want it to be. Honestly, its doesn't sound like she would care and you don't need those emotions to compound what you are already going through.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Please have some compassion Valentino and don't bring her into your battles. She is having enough problems and I don't think your helping.

 

[Ghostybear73]

@ Saedhilian I also think you need to go back into therapy with an open mind. Not all therapists and psychiatrists are out to throw random drugs at you and be deceitful. Give it another chance to get the help you truly need.

 

[Saedhilian]

@anthony - I understand what you are saying, but that is actually part of why I moved. My intentions are to get established enough to be able to seek a diagnosis from professionals who are knowledgeable in the area of PTSD and also Asperger's Syndrome. As far as the AS goes, my older brother was diagnosed when he was in the 8th grade, and it is genetic. Unfortunately, girls and women are oftentimes misdiagnosed as Hans Asperger only studied boys. Only now are people becoming more aware that girls and women can have it as well; it just displays somewhat differently in girls/women than in boys/men. Also, in the area that I previously lived in the only doctor there that specialized in it was a pediatrician. As for the PTSD, it is very plain to me that I have it, hence why I am on this site trying to help myself and also why I intend to seek an official diagnosis and trauma therapist.

@Ghostybear73 - Yes, I agree. I am also going to try and be more cautious this time by doing it myself (last time my case manager helped) and also first interviewing with them to see if they will be a good fit. From what my boyfriend says, doctors here are pretty good and actually want to help people. Where I was before it was not like that, at least not for me - this could be in part because my records were inaccurate as my mom was misinterpreting my behavior and twisting things to make her look perfect and make me look like a constant problem. When I looked over some of the records, I was appalled as in one part it stated that "her brother and I are terrified of her" even though my brother was the violent one. So I want to start over with doctors that will have a fresh perspective and haven't seen me for the last decade.

 

[Everhopeful]

Dear Saedhilian

What a history of childhood trauma, abuse and neglect your postings tell us. You were raised in the most invalidating of environments.
My husband had a similar start to life, in a completely dysfunctional family setting with multiple abuse and incest, pills being forced on him as a child, being locked away and similar. His confused and damaged childhood took him along a road to gangsterism, as opposed to a cult. He landed up in several abusive, dysfunctional relationships. And he was a heroin addict for years, in addition to other pills. He was institutionalised several times after unsuccessful suicide attempts.

The mental health system also failed him in this country in some ways, but there has been really excellent help forthcoming from doctors and mental health professionals as well.

He was diagnosed with a long list as well: opioid deficiency, epilepsy, Complex PTSD,bipolar mood disorder, borderline personality disorder, substance abuse (in remission almost 3 years now).

Since I've known him, he has tried trauma therapy and was terribly flooded by this, had flashbacks, nightmares, hearing voices, paranoia, anxiety and panic attacks, depression, suicidal ideation, insomnia, to name but the worst of it.

Of late, he has started Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. He finds this very helpful. The idea is that with such a traumatic start to life (he is 36 years of age now, and only now is starting to open up about his past), he could not have a chance to learn coping skills for the absolute tsunami like flood of emotions and the emotional rollercoaster that such experiences bring about.

Feelings shape one's thoughts, and thoughts shape one's actions. It is a loop that feeds back into itself.

So, first of all he will do well to learn how to deal with extreme psychological distress in a healthier way. It will serve him to learn skills to help him regulate his extreme and fluctuating emotions to feel more in control over them.

He will learn how his feelings shape his thoughts, so that he may tend to misinterpret things or react very strongly to things, before he has been able to check in with the other person to get their version of the story.

He will learn healthier interpersonal skills and how to have and set his own personal boundaries and be able to ask for what he wants, and also negotiate with others on what they want from him.

After he has learnt to practise some of these skills, he will then be in a better, more calm space, to be able to go more into the unresolved traumatic events of his childhood and early adulthood.

I am beginning to see that every one of us, can perhaps gain a lot by being exposed to skills found in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)! Especially those who have been exposed to extreme trauma and who are at a high level of psychological distress and feeling very out of control in their lives as a result!

I wish you all of the very best along your healing path.

 

[Mercy]

I feel like people want me to just "stop thinking about it" when I CAN'T. I'm sorry, but PTSD doesn't just magically go away and when I have flashbacks, I can't just "not think about it." That's kind of the definition of a flashback; it's not something that is INTENTIONAL.

You are so right. A Pet Scan study done in England showed that the amydala( an instinctive part of human brains that reacts to danger) lights ups up 45 to 60 seconds before our thinking brain even knows something is wrong. The biochemical cascade of survival hormones has already started, adrenaline, cortisol, faster heart beat, sometimes sweating. We are biochemically ready to fight, flee or freeze. I'm the freeze type. From your quote below, it appears as though you might be one who freezes.

I should probably mention that when I'm very stressed, it becomes nearly impossible for me to speak.

Would you be willing to write out what As and PTSD are really like for you? Maybe there is a good book for her to read on AS. Could you tell her enough of your history for her to understand and not too much for her to reject?

I'm here for you. If you want to message me privately that's good too.