I Need To Stop Abusing My Meds

[Deleted member 1860]

Oh and that friend? We're talking again, but I can tell that he's guarded. I've hurt him so much, and I don't want to hurt him anymore but I keep on falling into these negative patterns. I'm just glad I have my friend back, even if things aren't quite the same.

 

[LizardViolet]

Wishing you continuing strength, SOL. A day at a time, or an hour at a time, or a minute at a time, whatever works best from moment to moment. I'm rooting for you. And I'm glad your friend is speaking with you again.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

We're not. =(. Speaking that is. Things got to be just much too much. He pulled away saying he wanted less of me and that's how it would always be. He didn't understand why that killed me inside. I couldn't deal with wanting more of him but never being able to have it so I told him that we needed to cease contact for now....for my own sanity. I need to get over him. He told me that things may change and if I took time away that he might move on. I had to take that chance because it was too painful the way things were. If he moves on completely, then that's just how it'll be.

 

[Whitneys story]

SOL, It is the season! You have done an outstanding job of knowing what is best for you. We all need companionship. Continue working on being your own best friend, you are worth it!

And don't be alarmed at the new strength you will find. Yes it has been there, others tend to try to keep it down! Create a new holiday tradition for only you. A small secret reward of your choosing. Hugs, Whitney

 

[Innordinate]

I have a psychiatrist who knows I've been horribly dependent on benzos, not once, not twice, but three times, but he still prescribes them to me like they're candy

I kinda find this amusing, because my psychiatrist, knowing about my addictions in the past prescribes me benzo's still. Clonazepam. I wanted to say something about not wanting them, tell her how ridiculous and irresponsible it is for her to prescribe them to me but, I want them. I've been carefully monitoring my use and at first maybe was taking one every 3 days just when I really needed them, but yesterday I took about 6 throughout the day. 2 at a time a couple of times.

Been debating giving them to my wife to lock up and monitor my use, but I don't trust that she's going to believe me when I say I need one and really, it would just be taking responsibility of my actions off of myself and putting them on someone else.

I have about 90 of the little buggers sitting on the top of the fridge and everytime I walk by it's a fight to not take one or two, but I manage to stop myself, thinking that my psychiatrist obviously trusts me with them, and I want to prove her right. For myself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Inordinate,
I've been in the same place. I've been tempted to give my Ativan to someone else for "safe keeping" and only asking for them when I need them, but I decided against it for the same reasons you did. I am responsible for becoming dependent so I must take full responsibility for coming off them, too. I know that some people may need that extra layer of protection, but I think that for me, not having access makes me want them more. I have a bottle and a half sitting beside my bed right now and only take one when I'm so jazzed up that sleep is impossible. Once my sleep goes downhill, everything else soon follows, so I don't feel bad for occasionally taking one when I need to sleep. I wish you the best in your journey to get your use under control. It sucks that I don't think I'll ever be completely off Ativan, but I hope I can avoid future problems.

 

[Innordinate]

Same for me. Not having access makes me want them more. Starts to become an obsession and usually ends in begging and pleading for something, meds or alcohol or drugs.

 

[Britt.f7]

I felt the same way about the Seroquel's that I had at a higher dose. I liked that they helped me sleep and took them during the day, as well as other sleeping pills. I wanted to tell my husband to hide them from me but I knew I had to do it myself. So far so good, but it is really difficult at times.

 

[Jay1486]

Its sad how there is no research done, these drugs that are given out and, they don't realize the consequences of doing it. I have had a a prescription addiction also and, all I could do was stop. There are going to be rough patches but you will get through them

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Jay, I agree. It's sad how many doctors don't know how hard it is to come off these drugs. I used to belong to a benzo withdrawal forum and it took some people the better part of a year to come off the drugs. The withdrawal effects can last a long time. They say that other drugs are different in that you go through a finite withdrawal period that isn't nearly as long, and then you have to deal with the mental aspects of dependence/addiction. Hence why you can be OK going to a 28 day rehab to get off Oxy or painkillers or whatever street drug, but rehab isn't recommended for benzos as they take you off them wayyyy too fast.

I haven't had an Ativan in quite a few days now. Not sure exactly how long, but it's been awhile. I feel more stable than I have in quite a long time, but the emotional longing just plain sucks (not for the drugs, for my old friend). At least I'm not tempted to douse my feelings with drugs this time. I guess I am healing, huh?