Sexual Assault I Still Feel Them Touching Me

[Windydarlin]

I feel like I'm drowning and their hands are the ones pulling me under. I can feel their breathe move across my skin. I can smell their scents, distinct. I can feel their weight pressing down on my chest. I can see their faces circling me, taunting me out of the corner of my eye. I can feel everything still.
Yesterday I had some of the worst flashbacks I've had in a couple months. I was left shaking, breathless. Feeling the slime and grime covering me again. I still feel it. Last night I scrubbed my skin raw again. I feel like I need to do it again. Like maybe if I can scrub hard enough it'll go away. But I know. I know it won't work that way. It's momentary reprieve, but it never lasts more than a moment. I feel shattered. This has been my life, my story for 10 years. I'm so tired. I'm so so tired. I have yet to find anything to help. I can't even talk about it openly or really at all. I feel like I'm suffocating under this weight... I just want to escape.

 

[chant2012]

I feel like I'm drowning and their hands are the ones pulling me under. I can feel their breathe mo...

I'm so sorry. I can relate to this. Especially the scrubbing raw of the skin and also feeling them. You are not alone. It's been 4 years since my last attack. Although now I'm primarily dealing with trauma in my younger years that's resurfacing. I can feel it all and sometimes hear it too. If you ever need or want to talk feel free to PM me. You are not alone and you are brave for reaching out.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Sounds like a rough ride!

Do you have an arsenal of grounding techniques? What do you do to help yourself feel better?

Ben

 

[Windydarlin]

I'm so sorry. I can relate to this. Especially the scrubbing raw of the skin and also feeling them. Y...

Thank you, I appreciate knowing I'm not alone. It's so hard sometimes, it's so much worse when you feel alone.

 

[Windydarlin]

Sounds like a rough ride!

Do you have an arsenal of grounding techniques? What do you do to hel...

I do have some that we've worked on in therapy. Like visualization and grounding, but they haven't been working well. I wanna fall back into my negative coping "tools".

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I wanna fall back into my negative coping "tools".

Oh, I cannot recommend that!

Sounds like you need some good coping/grounding techniques. Let's see. When you are flooded with negative imagery, how about holding ice cubes?

Maybe make a list of all the good ones you know, so that when you need the list, you can just pull it out and choose the best.

Ben

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Have you tried this one? Put the negative imagery on a DVD player, so that it's not happening to you 'in the moment'; then you can control the memory rather than have it control you.

Or, just imagine away as you please, possibly giving someone a good swift kick where it counts! I did something similar to my perpetrator while remembering my initial abuse during an EMDR session. Oh, how satisfying!

Ben

 

[Friday]

I can't even talk about it openly or really at all.

You say that like it's not a huge, or hugely difficult thing.

I can talk all day long about trauma I don't particularly care about. Just like I can talk all day long about birthday cake, or muppets. But those are things I don't care about. Talking about them doesn't gut me, or shred me, or make me suicidal, or enraged, or kick me into flashbacks and disassociation, or leave me puking, or hating myself, or writhing in guilt and shame, or needing to run, or lash out, or disappear, or, or, or... Like even attempting to talk about trauma I do care about.

Some people? Seem to have this compulsive need to talk. They not only can talk about their trauma, they need to, & want to, & it's easy for them, & it's not talking (or not being listened to, or both) that's hard.

That's not me. Talking is really, really hard for me. Talking is really hard for a lot of people.

It's one of those things that seems to split in 180 degrees. Like fight vs flight.

I can say that some of the trauma I don't really care about? Are things I used to care very deeply about. Things that used to have their claws in me. And now they don't. Not magically, mores the pity. One of the ways I can tell if I've really dealt with something? I can talk about it. At will, whenever, and stop, whenever. Like talking about celery. Or cameras. Or Cornwall. It has that much of a grip on me. AKA absolutely none. I don't need to talk about it, I don't need not to talk about it. Because it's a non-issue. Until I have dealt with it, however? Talking is going to be effing hard for me.