Relationship I Think He's Putting On This "mask" With Me

[Deleted member 27524]

My sufferer was SO extremely affectionate and playful for a couple days and then it's like he was distant.

As I had said in a previous post that he hasn't isolated from me in over a year so when he did isolate for 11 days 6 weeks ago I was distraught thinking what happened to him as we are 5 hours apart. It completely blindsided me. When he did return he was remorseful for making me worry and explained what made him shutdown.I understand his need for space at times but yes that did catch me off guard.

Things have been different since then. He's more distant with me most of the time and super affectionate little of it. He assures me he wants to be with me but his actions and words don't align. I got overwhelmed and maybe just emotionally drained and told him I just wanted space, that he wasn't the same guy anymore and that my "D" was gone. He said that wasn't true and that he was still the same guy but I beg to differ. He said he has been going through some things and that he would get through it just fine.

That conversation was a couple weeks ago and since then as I said we had 2 of the best days recently and then he becomes distant in communication. He hasn't cut communication but it's more so that when we start texting, he says a few words and then he's gone. He sounds upbeat and cheery through his text but the lack of communication makes me think he's not okay.

Yesterday for example he text me early after dropping his daughter off at school and said he hoped I had a good weekend to which I replied yes and how was his. He asked if I got snow and told me to be careful on the roads. I told him I adopted a hero (a deployed marine) for the holidays to send a Christmas package to and he said "that's so sweet I'm really glad you did that." I told him that my hero was allergic to chocolate so I'd have to bake him sugar cookies instead... Then he was gone. A few hours later he comes back and says "yes you will "with a smiley face. He says "I really like that your doing that I'm gonna do it too". I said " I would've been a good girlfriend to someone who was deployed cause I would always be sending him things"..Then he was gone again. A few hours later he replied "yes you sure would've lol" with another smiley face. Then he was gone...That was it for the day. Short and brief replies.

I feel like he didn't specifically feel like talking to me but he knows I said "he wasn't my same guy" a few weeks earlier so he was more so putting on this "mask" to make me think he was upbeat and okay when really he was not.

I feel a bit of mixed feelings I suppose and that's why I'm asking this question. I feel kinda unimportant as with the brief texts/communication lately. I dunno whether to think okay he just doesn't make adequate time for me OR that he is painting on this mask and communicating with me even when he doesn't feel like it to make me think he's okay so that's why his responses are so brief. He says he wants to be with me and it's difficult to tell when your not together which it is.

Does anyone else feel that their sufferer puts on a mask and pretends that they are okay when in fact that really aren't?

 

[Justmehere]

You describe him as being "gone" in between texts that are a few hours apart. He isn't actually gone. You complain of his short brief replies on text as being him wearing a mask...

Whoa. Maybe he is wearing a mask, I don't know, but I would be very careful about reading so much into texting. Especially reading into the fact that just that texts are short or a few hours apart.

He likely has a job and clearly has a daughter. I don't think it is a mask. I think it is the nature of the technology of texting and having a busy life.

I personally can't immediately respond to texts all day. My friends and family often get very delayed and shirt texts from me - just because it's not doable for me to have sustained texting conversations. It's physically hard. I would really be discouraged to hear that someone would read this as me faking care and concern for them just because I can't always text lots and lots at once. He may not have responded just because his hands were full of his daughter or other things.

Stop trying to read into texts being short as some kind of game he is playing with you. Respect him enough to not try to read his mind so much. If you wonder if he is ok, pick up the phone and ask him if he is ok.

I get a little tired of supporterA and suffers reading so much into a TEXT. 80 percent of communication is non-verbal. I get tired of supporters trying to read suffers minds and never just asking us if we are ok or not.

If you need more consistent text contact, that's ok - a relationship with someone with PTSD is probably not for you. Or anyone with a lifestyle that doesn't allow someone to text all the time. Mask or not, it fired seem like he isn't giving you what you need and want in the relationship. Dating is all about figuring out if two people are a good match for each other. He may not be a good match for you.

If you do want to stay in the relationship, I would seriously look into working through your own abandonment issues and why not getting an immediate textbook means that someone is gone to you. Maybe you have faced some significant loss or abandonment in the past - him and/or others - and you haven't really worked through it, and now it is being stirred up by what sounds to be within the realm of normal behavior. If you don't work through your stuff in this too, then this is likely to just keep happening and you are likely to continue to feel chronically abandoned by him, even when that may not be going on at all.

He did abandon you and you did respond by saying you wanted some space. His behavior makes sense. It sounds like you are still really hurting from when he was gone for 11 days. I would focus on working through that and learning to build trust again that he is still there, even if he isn't immediately responding on text for a few hours, and working through any past hurts that this may be stirring up. I would also focus on learning to not to attempt to mind read and ASKING someone if they are ok or not.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Well it isn't just about the texting. I don't need a ding immediately back on my phone as I have my own life. I'm an adult and I have adult things to do. I own my own business and work another job on the side myself and have children. It's more about him being distant via text/calls and claiming to want to be with me. So you want to be with me but yet you make 0 time for me or as little as you can? You can't just not put any effort into keeping someone in your life by giving them 10 minutes of your day everyday for an on going 6 weeks with a few good days in between and expect them to stay.

Other than that response right now I don't really have anything other than that!

 

[nursenurse]

Even if he doesn't have a job, this instant communication thing drives me wonky as well. Now, was it fair that he isolated without telling you? Of course not, that is the learning curve here for both of you. If you have done your homework on this site, you will know that isolation is not uncommon. It is something that he will likely need on and off throughout his life.

When I say it was unfair to you, it was the perfect opportunity to lay some boundaries. That is " I worry so much when I do not hear from you for such a long stretch." Then you both agree that a text every few days from him letting you know he is all right, nothing more, would be in order. It wasn't fair to him in the sense of your reaction, though quite understandable, that you gave to him. It almost sounds like a tit for a tat situation here, you abandoned me, so I need some space of my own. Although I hope it was just you taking time to re-orient yourself in the relationship and decide what to do next.

And then there is the old long distance relationship conundrum. It is very difficult to build a lasting relationship when someone is so far apart in the best of circumstances. While communication is the key, constant texting is not. Most businesses frown on folks using their devices at work anyway, and honestly if someone was contacting me that often during the day especially while I was working, I would be thoroughly annoyed.

If you continue in this relationship, I suggest you read more on PTSD relationships, starting with the book that is recommended on the site here. "The Post Traumatic Stress Relationship" by Diane England. And I think you need to ask yourself some hard questions before you continue on this relationship.

Just read your response above. This relationship may not be for you, and with children involved, I would seriously rethink. If you are unhappy now, you may be unhappier later. The situation may or may not change. How much can you put up with? And he isn't even in the same town. I don't think he is doing anything really wrong here either, but if you both decide to continue, you then need to talk about what you guys need from each other, and if those goals and boundaries are not met, that maybe the kindest thing to each other would be to let go. This goes in any relationship, PTSD or not.

Good luck.

 

[Intrepid]

I like texts a few times a day. But the texting thing isn't really about PTSD, right? I know there's a wide spectrum of how people like to communicate with their partners. Anyone can get crazy about that.

The "mask" thing is about PTSD, at least for me. I have used what I call "camouflage" because I was afraid if anyone saw what I was feeling or thinking I'd be in real danger. I just let go of that after noticing that no one can "see" my feeling or thoughts. Crazy, right? But that's what I thought.

Of course, people who don't have to deal with PTSD also have masks. They're kind of natural to get by socially. For sufferers, it's just harder to get by, so the masks become more pronounced.

Attempts by others to get past that mask have resulted in me either becoming fake, or withdrawing completely. (The mask wasn't being fake, it was being safe)

 

[Justmehere]

You can't just not put any effort into keeping someone in your life by giving them 10 minutes of your day everyday for an on going 6 weeks with a few good days in between and expect them to stay.

I work very hard to not expect or assume people will do anything unless they say they will. I avoid automatic expectations on people. I ask them tell me what they need to stay in a relationship, I don't assume and I ask they not make assumptions of me.

There are people who need more contact in their life than I can provide. PTSD, busy life, whatever the cause.

There are people in my life who do stay with much less contact than 10 minutes a day and a couple good days over 6 weeks - especially when I don't see the person face to face every day. It is really hard to do and fight the major mental health condition of PTSD.

Different people have different needs. This is very ok. Your needs are not more or less valid than others. In both posts though, you project your needs into others and assume they have the same needs as you and this xyz behavior must mean abc.

My PTSD symptoms are too severe to maintain daily contact with some of my closest relationships. Fighting PTSD takes a lot out of someone. So does working a job and raising a kid - and maintaining a long distance relationship.

Those who stay in my life - we openly talk about these things. They don't read into a delayed text or expect things from me without directly asking for those things without my making as specific commitment to do them.

*You did ask the guy for space.* With all the mind reading and lack of actually asking him why he isn't responding more - you could be missing out the critical information that maybe he is responding less in order to give you the very space you asked for.

Who knows. You are not asking him. If you were asking him, you would be posting about his responses to you asking him why he is responding less. Instead, you are left to other means to try and guess and infer what is going on - like the fact that a text is short.

The people in my life who can endure and can stay, they ask, not assume. They ask me if my lack of response is ever about my heart and care for them. They let me think my my own thoughts and have my own feelings about them - not just what they assume my feelings to be.

They ask me if I am ok or if I am intentionally avoiding them because I don't want to be with them. They respect me enough to ask if it is the PTSD or if it is them.

Regardless if it is the PTSD or the fact that I'm avoiding someone - some people who need more contact leave my life. I don't judge them for it, I'm glad they know what they need and are willing to admit that I'm not able to be what they need.

Nothing about what he has said or done indicates to me that he does not want to be with you or that he is being duplicitous by wearing a mask with you.

It indicates to me that you want him to spend more time with you than he spending with you. It's up to you to decide if that is enough time for you or not.

But holy cow, please look at all the automatic assumptions you make about what others needs are...

It would also probably serve you well to read a lot more about PTSD. It is hell to fight. You claim he is putting no effort into it when maybe what he is doing is a huge amount of effort for him right now. What if it was cancer instead of PTSD he was fighting? Would you be so critical of him?

It sounds like he is telling you that he wants to be with you. Maybe he is faking it. Maybe.

He probably doesn't expect you to stay. But you do. If you need more contact, especially after you told him you need more space, then give him a fair chance and tell him you need more contact and investment of time. If he can't do it, then he can't do it. It oesn't make him duplicitous or you too needy. It means you two have very different needs right now. Maybe you can find a way to make it work, maybe not.

But if YOU never ever learn to directly communicate more about what you need and assume less about what is happening for others and what they want/expect - you will just get hurt very badly again and again, and I don't want to see you go through that pain.

If you think he is faking it with you, tell him. Tell him you want more authenticity in the relationship and work through what will help to have that happen. But you gotta first give him the chance to even know you think he is faking it. He probably isn't accurately reading your mind or accurately interpreting your actions either.

So start communicating more directly! If anyone is wearing a mask, it is you by not directly telling him what is going on for you just as much as him.

So set the example. Show him the vulnerability you want from him by stating your needs and concerns and telling him how you are REALLY doing to him.

The texts you describe never indicate you are unhappy or want sooner texts. It seems weird to leave those out if you did send them.

You are wearing your own mask with him and assuming he is doing the same and then getting mad at him for your interpretation that he is doing exactly what you are doing - holding back his true desires and wants and wishes and needs in the relationship! That is exactly what you are doing yourself! Give him a break.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

@Justmehere I can't really leave a long reply at the moment as I pretty much have a few mixed emotions to sort through but I really like your post and it helped me to see a few things maybe that I just couldn't or haven't seen from his side. Thank you for taking time to reply!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Let's start with the relationship bit. It is completely normal for relationships, even those without PTSD, to go through up and down periods, and it really is not a huge cause for concern. Nobody, and I do mean nobody, can keep up with the intense level of texting that is at the beginning of many relationships. Why? We all have lives! Admittedly, when I meet someone new, he oftentimes does get a big more attention that was reserved for other parts of my life. After awhile, those other parts need attention, too, so I may back off on my communication with the guy.

Also, he may just be having a bad day, a bad few days. Normal people have bad days, too, remember? Normal people put on masks when they are sad or upset or.... It is a normal part of life.

He's long distance yet you want him to have time for you every day. Have you communicated this need to him?

There are MILLIONS of different ways a relationship can be structured, by unfortunately, many people have the same model in their head. One example is that when communication isn't 24/7, there is huge cause for concern. Why? This is purely a construct of modern society. Back before cell phones, there were land lines and even when I was a kid, you had to pay by the minute, and rates didn't go down until after 11. Do you think all those people in long distance relationships were in constant communication with their partners? NOPE! There must have been a stronger component of trust....which is what I hope you build up with him, as it seems like your trust is lacking. You can't handle a small (and yes, I do mean small) downturn without resorting to the "he is lying to me when he says he wants to be with me" bit.

So my suggestion is that you work on your communication (on the phone, not texting) in order to convey your needs to him. If you want 10 minutes a day, he may not be able to text you throughout the day. (I admit I much rather have a few minutes of phone time over emotionless texts any day.) Work on your trust in him, too.

Oh, and in regards to the bit where you say he isn't the same person, I'd say that likely he IS the same person, just stressed. Have you read about the stress cup? I can go from being a social, outgoing, active person to one who is quiet and isolating when I get overly stressed. Its not because I am not the same person, rather I am dealing with stress.

I urge you to not jump to conclusions as this is a long distance relationship. I think you should communicate with him more.

 

[katiekat]

I only read bits and pieces of this thread and I just think long distance relationships (even if you don't have any psychological "issues") is extremely hard to sustain. It seems like you want someone who is more available and who can pay more attention to you-understandably. Dont force something that isn't working.

 

[Anarchy]

I'll second Solara 's suggestion to read up on PTSD and the "Stress Cup", Anthony's article here: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/ is a good place to start.

be aware that when the stress cup runneth over - he'll have a strong need to shed some stress, if it is you who's pouring the extra stress in - where's the obvious place to start reducing the inflow?

here's what I've only just realized https://www.myptsd.com/threads/me-s...ng-abandoned-and-other-vicious-circles.48156/ It's cost the respective women and me; an engagement to a woman who I'd lived with for 4 1/2 years and a marriage of 5 years.

 

[bell]

I feel kinda unimportant as with the brief texts/communication lately. I dunno whether to think okay he just doesn't make adequate time for me OR that he is painting on this mask and communicating with me even when he doesn't feel like it to make me think he's okay so that's why his responses are so brief.

All of the suggestions above are good ones, but I want to reiterate something... just because a text isn't chipper or long doesn't mean anything. It could mean he's taking a minute to reply at a stoplight. Or getting back to you while on the john. Or while in line at the bank.

For the love of all things holy, short texts do not equal a mask... Hell, several texts a day do not equal a mask. He is corresponding with you. Often. Perhaps the shorter texts mean that he is more comfortable with you and feels like he doesn't have to be excessive like people sometimes are at the start of things. Perhaps the shorter texts are a GOOD thing.

Also, you both have children and jobs. Therefore, when dealing with one of those things, both of which take a lot of time and show that you are responsible, texting should be at a minimum! In that light, I'd say be thankful that he contacts you at all during the day given his other responsibilities.

And as someone who deals with abandonment issues and has been where you've been, focus on fixing those issues, not trying to fix him. You both will be better for it and so will your relationship.

 

[darrenS]

I always warn people before hand that im quite happy to text , but do not like text conversations. Sure text me during the day 1 or 2 times but after that , i have things to do after i have my things out of the way , i then may text again or even call. I find with text it is very easy to misinterpret actions and intentions by reading into it and its much more fun to save things and have a good chat later when your relaxed , kids are in bed etc . One thing you have to be aware of is some with PTSD can become anxious when theres too much activity or noise , i know when i am with my ex wife and the kids , i occassionally leave early and come to my place because the noise and activity has become too much. I dont react and my kids understand , and its become a "safe thing". You sound like a very smart and capable woman and running a business is a lot of work and stressful at times , not to mention you have kids and that is also a full time job. If you decide to proceed please be aware of what your getting into, truthfully it sounds like you have enough and thinking of adding a PTSD sufferer could threaten all you have built ...only because the illness is horrible , if its not being treated ...RUN and even if it is it sucks the life out of everyone and everything - you have kids as well and sound like your a stable family - ask yourself one question - am i willing to be yelled at , am i willing to be isolated , am i willing to risk all my energy and time , am i willing to live with what could be unpredictable behaviour or actions, and finally am i willing to risk healthy people to help one person suffering - you are young and deserve to live life to the fullest,but ulimately it is your call...good luck