Well I sincerely thank each and every one of you for your replies. I think in general that perhaps my post wasn't worded the best as I certainly don't expect D to be there holding his cell in hand ready to spring into action when I text him. Perhaps I should say that we text more than we talk on the phone. We will text for an hour having a conversation and then we both go do other things. It is our primary source for communication. So I am used to a rather lengthy conversation with him via text. We do talk on the phone as well but those conversations aren't as long. Every couple has their normal things that they do and for he and I it is our normal. So when he isn't communicating with me as we normally have it does send up a red flag for me that something is wrong.
I had previously told him that I felt like for the last 7 weeks he wasn't the same guy. He was much more distant than the guy I met two years ago. He said he had been struggling and that he would get through it. What I meant by wearing a mask with me was just that I felt like the days we had less communication because it was out of our normal thing that we do, that perhaps he really didn't have much to give me emotionally but he didn't want me to know that and wanted me to think he was okay as not to worry me. So he tried to be present as best he could. Maybe I shouldn't have read into it. I just don't want him to feel like he has to pretend to be okay for me if in fact he isn't. I do owe him the respect to just ask him how he's feeling instead of assuming. Sometimes he'll say he's fine though when I really don't feel that he is as he's the pretty macho and stubborn type. D owns his own business and is an extremely busy guy but he makes time for me. So his lack of effort made me think something was just wrong.
@Justmehere and
@Solara made me realize that I do need to communicate better with him. That's not his fault. With the type of person I am, I can be there for anyone but when it comes to asking or expressing what I may need I'm worlds worst. It kills me to ask anyone for a favor. I have never told him what I'd like from him, not once. I do see now that we need better communication.
We did talk a lot yesterday and I did express to him how I was feeling which he acknowledged that he had been pushing me away. He told me that I have been there for him and helped him so much and that he knew he hadn't been there for me like he should've. He said I made him happier than he ever admitted too and that I had such a good heart that I deserved something better than him. He talked to me about his journals, focusing and constantly figuring it out and fighting the demons. If I'm truthful I go days sometimes without hearing from him and I do okay and live my life cause I expect isolation. He needs his time and that's what I'm acknowledging to by trying to be with someone with ptsd.I know he cares for me and I know what he is deep down and I love that person. I'm only human though and some days it gets to me and I don't cope well either. I'm not gonna be perfect or understand every little thing. I think our distance doesn't help this at all. It's hard to wonder when your so far apart exactly what is going on and sometimes you overthink. I do trust him without a doubt. He has never lied to me, not once even when I'd rather hear a lie as the truth.
I'm thankful to the sufferers as well as the supporters who do take time to comment on my post. After all I'm hear looking for advice. We all have our own opinions. It's very helpful for me to hear from a sufferer and kinda see from the other side. So I'm not critical of any of the comments as I read them and process it and think..hmm I see his/her point and I can makes changes. Sufferers can help me to understand better and a supporter knows where I'm coming from. Thank you all very much :)
