I think I have ruined my life

[SeekingAfrica]

@abovedown and @MMBB They are great. I'm scared though. I've been getting a bit agoraphobic lately and going out 3 times a week is a great plan... Except if I can't function. What then?

But @DharmaGirl I have been finding the AI very helpful when it comes to breaking down functional and such issues and getting good support/practical suggestions. So that is definitely an excellent addition to me getting through this somehow. Especially that it's instantly available at any location I am so even with the trip it will be there. That is so valuable!

There's been a lot of changes in the last weeks. Good changes. Everything is still so impossibly hard, but at least now I believe in getting through it, just scared of how. On several levels.
But few weeks ago I couldn't even say as much, so I guess that's progress.

 

[Tinyflame]

@SeekingAfrica someone once said to me something like, ~(we) aren't responsible for how others see us, they have the right to their own mind, even if how they see us is in a much more positive light than we see ourselves. I have no doubt your friends see and love you as you are and your good qualities and courage, and probably feel you have been a good friend to them also. They might even love qualities about you you hate! Because being concerned to succeed and persevere is conscientious, tenacious, and brave, and you still sound like a very kind person despite what you've gone through. Which means you are very special and very rare. You can't fail them, they are not offering what they are because it's transactional. If so many people have come forward for you in these ways it is obvious you must be a very wonderful person indeed (even if you don't feel so). And friend to them also. I'm pretty certain you would do the same for them if it was needed.

Hope your trip goes well and you enjoy it. And hope things keep improving and getting easier and better

 

[DharmaGirl]

@SeekingAfrica , I'm so glad it's helpful! I am happy that it's helping to heal!

 

[Surefoot]

@abovedown and @MMBB They are great. I'm scared though. I've been getting a bit agoraphobic lately and going out 3 times a week is a great plan... Except if I can't function. What then?

But @DharmaGirl I have been finding the AI very helpful when it comes to breaking down functional and such issues and getting good support/practical suggestions. So that is definitely an excellent addition to me getting through this somehow. Especially that it's instantly available at any location I am so even with the trip it will be there. That is so valuable!

There's been a lot of changes in the last weeks. Good changes. Everything is still so impossibly hard, but at least now I believe in getting through it, just scared of how. On several levels.
But few weeks ago I couldn't even say as much, so I guess that's progress.

My dear SeekingAfrica , Many here including myself have walked the painful grounds you are walking. When the PTSD I lived with first manifested I was 6. I walked in what was to me a most brutal childhood. I attempted suicide 3 times up until I was 18. I did not have any answers or real help. My parents tried counseling with a shrink

I ended up in seminary and married by 24, which was not based on love but need. I continued up and down over and over again. After divorcing and finding a new girlfriend, life continued down a spiral staircase until I found myself sitting on my creek with my finger on a loaded gun up my mouth. I cried out to God "Why did you show me the things that You did only for me to end up here?"

I will hold right here but I must say that since then I have continued the climb up to find the top of this mountain. Though PTSD will always be a part of my life, I know my enemy and I choose life. I remarried and have walked in a much better place! Knowing the enemy and 'finding ' a way up is a part of the path to a good life. It is possible. Don't give up. You obviously know who your enemy is so find a way to change your dynamics and start climbing up! You can do it.
Sutefoot!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I just wanted to check in. Things still seem impossible but I'm holding better. I had the occasional dark days (as recently as Saturday), where no words or faith can get through to me. Nothing,. It's like fog. But now I know the feeling of those days and for now I'm not pushing it when I see how things are.

Me asking for help and people checking in may have started turning the wheel of reconnecting with someone on more than help level, like a start of relationship if I'm even to hope that. The non-fully-dark days, I have more support than before, although I'm admitting it, I am definitely still deeply depressed so functioning issues are many. But I'm counting days and using the support given and trying to heal. I don't even know how I'll manage this month financially, I'm really agoraphobic around anywhere where I haven't been and/or need to give money, and meanwhile working from home while depressed isn't quite as easy as before either. There are so many pieces to the puzzle, so many issues and reasons you all know of how I got so bad, how I got so tangled up and coping is an issue. Meanwhile my best friend has a serious medical issue again. Thankfully I am trying to support her while others support me. Everything is still a mess.
Small, but hopefully meaningful difference is that when I started this thread I had practically given up. almost, just about, closer than I have ever been- and now I'm fighting. Might be uphill battle, but I am fighting.

@Surefoot
Thank you for sharing your story, means a lot. I messed up so many things. I'm definitely not okay, and not sure how many lifetimes it will take to fix all I've done. But, I'm still fighting, we'll see where it leads.

 

[Dynamic]

Good to hear from you thanks for the update I was wondering and praying

 

[Sideways]

Small, but hopefully meaningful difference is that when I started this thread I had practically given up. almost, just about, closer than I have ever been- and now I'm fighting.

IME, the sustainable differences with persistent depression, the ones that lead to meaningful improvement, are all small.

You got this:)

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'm glad to hear you're pressing on! It is so important to feel a sense of relationship with others and I know for me it is a relearning process. My goal this year is to have relationships with people so I'm sort of on the same path.

 

[Killahleen]

I feel this too,
The fatigue and hopelessness, assuming everyone hates me, being a burden to the ones I love, not trusting anyone, I feel alone, being a burden bc I don’t see there’s anything I can do to improve, something will always be sure to get in my way. I can’t live in peace.