I texted an ecard to my sufferer. It had a picture and a reference to a band and lyrics. The picture was a cat and the band was one he and I both like and the lyrics were from one of their songs. I didn't even realize the lyrics could have been taken as a reference to his not sleeping. I just thought about that he likes cats and the band, I realized after I hit send. I don't know what to say, if anything, to fix it. I just wanted to send something cute and lighthearted but I think I messed up big time. I don't know what to do now. This is really hard.
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Relationship I Think I Messed Up
- Post starter Glara
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franciemarnie
Diamond Member
You didn't do anything wrong. You did something kind and loving. If he hasn't responded yet, it could be for a lot of reasons having nothing to do with you and your card. Remember you did a good thing.
- Post starter
- #3
@franciemarnie thanks, I hope you're correct. Problem is, even if you are, I feel like this all the time. I never know what is correct anymore. This is the only place I can even talk about this with anyone that remotely understands. It's so hardtop know what to say and always afraid that I'm going to drive him away altogether.
Sammyiam
Platinum Member
My husband tells me that all the time, and we have been together for 28 years, he's says its so hard I don't know what to say or when to touch you, I'm scared of making you worse. It makes me feel sad when he says that as I feel really bad for making him feel that way, he just says he doesn't know what to do to help me.
- Post starter
- #5
franciemarnie
Diamond Member
Please focus on the fact that you did a beautiful thing to brighten his day. If he is choosing to misread it, that is because he has a problem. (Although it sounds like you really don't know why he is incommunicado.) He knows you and knows you wouldn't do anything to hurt him.
He has the issue here. You can't be walking on eggs with a person all the time whether they have PTSD or are alcoholic or have some other kind of problem. You could easily become codependent with someone like that where your sense of well being is entirely dependent on how they feel. Then you have no organic life of your own. It's just a life built on reacting to their reactions. Hopefully it hasn't gotten to that.
See if you can go out and do something wonderful FOR YOU today. You deserve it. You are a wonderful person.
He has the issue here. You can't be walking on eggs with a person all the time whether they have PTSD or are alcoholic or have some other kind of problem. You could easily become codependent with someone like that where your sense of well being is entirely dependent on how they feel. Then you have no organic life of your own. It's just a life built on reacting to their reactions. Hopefully it hasn't gotten to that.
See if you can go out and do something wonderful FOR YOU today. You deserve it. You are a wonderful person.
blue_eyes18
Silver Member
How has this situation turned out?
You can't beat yourself up for sending an ecard with purely good intentions. He should know you well enough to know that you would never mock his symptoms and that if it was interpreted as such, that the problem lies on him, not you. Of course you weren't making light of it. Why would you? Have you ever had a history of doing that before? My assumption is 'no.'
My point being that you're human. Give yourself a break. I do understand, though. As supporters, we expect ourselves to be perfect all the time. We expect ourselves to know what to say and do in any given situation, when in truth, I don't even think our sufferers have any clue sometimes how they'd like for us to respond. In my own experience, my gf never really knew how she wished for me to respond because she didn't even know or understand her own emotional responses many times.
When it comes to PTSD, it's so hard to understand if you aren't a sufferer. And even then, it's still hard for them, too. And like I said, sometimes, they don't always know what's going on with them, either. So how could you ever expect to always know how to say or do the right thing? I think you're beating yourself up way too hard. Don't hold yourself to a level of perfection. Because you will fall short every time.
I hope everything turned out okay in the end. Perhaps he was just busy, and that's why he didn't respond?
You can't beat yourself up for sending an ecard with purely good intentions. He should know you well enough to know that you would never mock his symptoms and that if it was interpreted as such, that the problem lies on him, not you. Of course you weren't making light of it. Why would you? Have you ever had a history of doing that before? My assumption is 'no.'
My point being that you're human. Give yourself a break. I do understand, though. As supporters, we expect ourselves to be perfect all the time. We expect ourselves to know what to say and do in any given situation, when in truth, I don't even think our sufferers have any clue sometimes how they'd like for us to respond. In my own experience, my gf never really knew how she wished for me to respond because she didn't even know or understand her own emotional responses many times.
When it comes to PTSD, it's so hard to understand if you aren't a sufferer. And even then, it's still hard for them, too. And like I said, sometimes, they don't always know what's going on with them, either. So how could you ever expect to always know how to say or do the right thing? I think you're beating yourself up way too hard. Don't hold yourself to a level of perfection. Because you will fall short every time.
I hope everything turned out okay in the end. Perhaps he was just busy, and that's why he didn't respond?
- Post starter
- #8
He did finally respond a few hours later and just said "nice " about the pic I sent of me. Then a day passed and I heard nothing but this morning he texted. We live far sort which makes it harder. It's a rekindled relations, we dated years ago. Yes, I do think he knows I wouldn't mock him but it's just so hard to know how he thinks. I'm trying to learn and not freak out. Thanks
blue_eyes18
Silver Member
Lots of compassion, patience, and space. That's my best advice. It isn't easy. But you'll learn. Good luck.
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