Hello all, this is my first post on the website as well as my first time opening up about my situation except for a few very close people so I'm sorry if some things seem to be jumbled up. I'll start by saying that I feel like there's much of my childhood I've blocked out. Something I clearly remember is being about 5 and it was the first time my parents separated, well theres some parts that are fuzzy but I remember my uncle being accused of molesting my older cousin and then immediately moving to colorado. My dad accused him of doing something to me and I remember being in the hospital getting checked out by a dr & being asked many questions. I don't remember anything happening to me, and the whole situation was never talked about in our family but I remember a few years later my cousin telling me she always felt uncomfortable around my dad and I agreed with her because growing up I always felt the same way for some reason. My parents ended their marriage for good when I was 9 and for a few years I had no relationship at all with my father. It wasn't until the end of 2014 that we started to form a relationship because at this time I was living with my grandma and she asked for my dad to move in with us because she needed the extra help. Things were fine for a while but once I got pregnant with my daughger things started to change. I was only17 when I got pregnant and my father was furious, he told me I was a whore and things like that for months. He started to calm down when I was around 5 months pregnant but I started feeling very uncomfortable around him. It's like I could constantly feel his eyes on me and he would make odd remarks, like saying my boobs were getting too big for my body, and I was always just very uncomfortable especially if left alone with him. Well getting to my point, last august I came home one night after being at a party with friends and I was very drunk. I'm not a heavy drinker and that night I definitely overdid it. I remember stumbling in the house and I guess I was making a lot of noise. I went into the bathroom and turned the shower on but was too drunk to even undress and I just layed on the bathroom floor. I guess I passed out because the next thing I know my dad was picking me up off the floor, he seemed really upset and I said something like I was sorry and was going to bed. The last thing I remember was him pulling my shirt up and saying no because he was going to help me into the shower. The next thing I know I woke up the next morning naked in my bed. I felt so off, I'd never felt like this in my life. I was confused and panicky and didnt know what to think. I spent the next few days in my room and didnt even see my dad at all. Finally I started telling myself everything was okay and that nothing happened and I just started acting like normal. It was like I knew what happened but made myself not think about it at all. I was extremely depressed and started to turn to drugs. I took LSD and had an awful trip and immediately became more depressed and began to disassociate. I was very screwed up in my head, I pushed away everyone I loved and for a while I felt either pure despair or pure numbness. I had no other emotions, I started going out all the time, getting high, and having casual sex with just about any guy who wanted to. I was so out of myself but I blamed it on the bad trip. Like I said I forced myself to not think about what happened. Something I should add is thats always been my biggest form of coping, just not dealing with it or thinking of it at all. I started having extreme anxiety and panic attacks, over the course of maybe 3 months I got to a point where I couldn't even function, I was a complete panicked mess 24/7, I didn't shower, I didn't sleep, eat, etc. It was the worst period of my life I've gone through so far, I'd never suffered from mental issues this badly and just wanted it to end. Well I got into a relationship with someone I've been very close with for years, I got onto medication and into therapy(I stopped going to therapy about a month into it, I plan on going back but never told my therapist any of this) I started feeling better but almost a month ago I finally opened up and told my boyfriend everything. He broke down and admitted he always had an odd vibe from my dad but didn't want to say anything. He told me it all made sense now, my sudden onset of mental issues. That was when I finally realized it and I think he's right. I had blamed everything on the lsd but I now feel it was a combination of both. Things were pretty "normal" I guess you could say with my dad up until a few nights ago. I started turning to benzos for relief a few months ago and started to become somewhat obsessed. Well a few nights ago my boyfriend stayed the night, he fell asleep early and I felt myself starting to have a panic attack so I remember taking 3 and a half bars of xanax. I had 7 altogether but don't remember taking the others. I don't remember anything at all other then being in my room and waking up on the floor and crawling into bed with my boyfriend, still not completely there. When we finally woke up we both noticed I was in different clothes then what I had been in. I remember putting on pajamas the night before but woke up in a t shirt & a pair of underwear that I have never seen in my life. Even my boyfriend was totally confused because it obviously wasn't a pair of my underwear plus they were a size too big. I felt like I did before, super off. When I came downstairs my daf started telling me he was suprised I even woke up. I ignored him and went to talk to my sister, I literally don't remember even leaving my room but she said around midnight I came downstairs acting really weird and passed out in the kitchen. She said shr got upset and went up to her room but she said I was wearing my pajamas at that time. I haven't even found my pajamas from that night and I've searched my room, bathroom, downstairs, etc. I'm starting to get very depressed again and don't know what to do, I just keep trying to act normal like everything's fine and I suspect nothing. I tried to tell my grandma but she bbrushed me off and said my imagination got the best of me and to drop it. So now I don't want to tell anyone else because I feel like they won't believe me, all I know is I need to get the hell out of here. I don't want to tell the police because what if by some way I'm wrong and my grandma really is right? I don't know what to think or do. I'm sorry this post was so long, if anyone by chance read this far, thank you. Any advice or tips are greatly appreciated
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Sexual Assault I think i was raped by my father
- Post starter Ariyana31
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Kintsugi
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I wish I had something more helpful to say, but all I've got is this: you need to A) move B) get back into therapy. Don't settle for just any T. Try to find one who you think will really facilitate the relationship you feel you need to work through all of this.
Best of luck to you. It sounds like a really confusing and awful situation.
Best of luck to you. It sounds like a really confusing and awful situation.
Yes, you definitely need to move and get away from your dad, that should help clear your head. As for whether or not he raped you? It's really hard to say. Taking your clothes off and putting you in the shower seems incredibly weird. I can't imagine a father doing that to his grown daughter. But I'm not sure if that means he raped you. I'm also not sure it means he DIDN'T rape you. It's very confusing. The one thing that struck me is that it seems like the allegations your uncle may have molested you just disappeared. I have to wonder if maybe he did, and if that has affected you without you really realizing it. If, in fact, that was triggered by the shower incident with your dad and that's what started to cause all the chaos and anxiety.
The second incident you mentioned about you being changed out of your pajamas ... I'd be cautious about thinking that means rape. Because you said yourself you don't remember anything from that night, and you very well could have just been super out of it and changed into other clothes yourself.
I hope that doesn't come off as me not believing you or anything ... just think you need to tread lightly and be very careful before saying he did rape you.
The second incident you mentioned about you being changed out of your pajamas ... I'd be cautious about thinking that means rape. Because you said yourself you don't remember anything from that night, and you very well could have just been super out of it and changed into other clothes yourself.
I hope that doesn't come off as me not believing you or anything ... just think you need to tread lightly and be very careful before saying he did rape you.
Kintsugi
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Really good points all around. Like X10.
Just to add- get medical help to get off the xanax if you are taking it daily. Benzo withdrawal can kill (as can alcohol and barbiturate withdrawal). Xanax is really short acting so it both works fast but also leaves quickly hence the need to redose, and with this the danger of seizures if you are habituated and abruptly stop.
And benzos can drive dissociation. I would not take them if I was in an environment where I was unsure of my safety. Ok, let me be more honest. I can totally see myself wanting to take them to get the relief. I think you are brave for sharing here and discussing with your bf/ sister and working toward recovery. At the same time, from what I know both personally and clinically I would really try to find alternate ways of coping to minimize retraumatization. Whether or not any more incidents have occurred I wonder if on some level you are repeating parts of that earlier experience in a bid to better understand it.
It's a strong urge for me. I also find that my repetition does not result in mastery of the material. EMDR, somatic experiencing, & a trauma therapist skilled in incest have been life changing.
Take good care.
And benzos can drive dissociation. I would not take them if I was in an environment where I was unsure of my safety. Ok, let me be more honest. I can totally see myself wanting to take them to get the relief. I think you are brave for sharing here and discussing with your bf/ sister and working toward recovery. At the same time, from what I know both personally and clinically I would really try to find alternate ways of coping to minimize retraumatization. Whether or not any more incidents have occurred I wonder if on some level you are repeating parts of that earlier experience in a bid to better understand it.
It's a strong urge for me. I also find that my repetition does not result in mastery of the material. EMDR, somatic experiencing, & a trauma therapist skilled in incest have been life changing.
Take good care.
I am not a therapist or an expert in trauma by any means. But I was raped by my dad at age 17 and again at age 19. In my opinion he absolutely did rape you. I don't want to scare you or be insensitive but I know that for myself just knowing that it really did happen and that I wasn't crazy was a huge relief. From what I've discovered for myself and in therapy is that there truly is no reason for you to think that your dad may have raped you unless he did. I mean you will never hear of someone who hasn't been raped by there dad saying "I think I was raped by my dad" if that makes sense, it just doesn't happen. That's because there is no reason to think that something happened unless it did. Your experience sounds A LOT like mine. People always telling me they felt uncomfortable around my dad and that he was creepy. I also became addicted to benzos for awhile until I was able to acknowledge the truth of what happened. Also my dad loved to make derogatory comments about my sexuality. He called me promiscuous when I was a teenager and when I was 19 he found out that I owned a vibrator and he was ENRAGED. I mean excuse me? I was 19 had my own job and own apartment and supported myself. His behavior was not normal but I accepted it for so long because it was my normal and I believed he had the right to control me. I have since got counseling and haven't seen or spoke to him in five years. Best of luck to you and if you want to chat please message me cause if there is one subject I know best about (unfortunately) it is this.
Thank you so much and no I didn't
Sorry I don't know if that was meant to me or not haha i am new at this...
It sure was! :)
I'm sorry, I don't mean to derail this thread or minimize anyone else's abuse, but there have actually been numerous documented cases of people falsely accusing a certain relative. There are so many different things that could be going on that it's dangerous to say this. There is such a thing as projection, projecting the abuse onto one person in the family when it actually was committed by someone else, false memory syndrome, etc.
I'm not saying the OP wasn't raped by her dad -- I have no idea if she was, and there's clearly something wrong with what she described. But it's a bit reckless to say "yes, you definitely were raped because no one has ever had that thought if it wasn't true."
I had that thought about certain family members when I was working through my sexual abuse. Guess what? Wasn't true.
Thats interesting. How did you come to the conclusion that it wasn't true? I'm only asking because I have been wrestling with the thought that my grandma molested me as a child also. When I told my therapist her response was "I believe you and if you think that then it probably did happen" I wonder if I was projecting because I do know that my dad molested me as a child so maybe my grandma was around during that time or something.... i know you can't tell me for sure but I am curious
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