I Think I'm Just Bad At Therapy

[sugnim]

After several very explosive fights with my wife, lots of anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and depression, I decided I should try therapy. That was over a year ago. And today, I don't think things are much better. I'm not exactly sure HOW to do therapy, I think. I go, I answer the questions I'm asked, I try to think about the things she tells me to think about, but I don't really see any changes. I'm starting to think I'm bad at this. Are there some skills or techniques that I should be using to make this work?

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I'm glad you have asked this because I'm feeling the same way! I hope there's an answer

 

[mrsps]

I also feel the same way! I go to therapy and we talk about stuff but it doesn't feel like we are getting anywhere. I guess I am being impatient as it takes a lot of time?

 

[WillyKat]

Keep in mind that they work for you. For whatever reason, I always try to go in with something to talk about. Sometimes that's complaining about something hurtful, sometimes its telling her some realization or revelation, sometimes I present something I'm confused about. I think going in with an agenda would get you out of the answering questions mode.

I do this because with my previous therapist, years ago, I would always go in and we'd just shoot the turds, have a conversation. By the end, it became just wheel spinning and wasn't very helpful. Which is also a huge waste of money. So with this therapist, I went in with a list of things to get through.

Also, therapy moves slower than most glaciers. It's really about very small, baby steps, not giant leaps. There's no one mighty blow that will slay the beast.

 

[Leah123]

There are different techniques for anger mangement. I think there's a lot of value in talking things out long term and gradually gaining a greater self-understanding and more inner peace, but I went into therapy because I was having explosions at my daughter due to a number of reasons, and I demanded, after a while, some practical techniques to help me hold my temper and make other gains while I managed the other, deeper work. So yes, I would challenge yourself and your therapist to make the progress you want. Set yourself up for success with some practical tools- for example, someone here I think it was, suggested a box, I forget what it was called, maybe a coping box, and I used that idea to great effect- I found a small box, decorated it and put a baby picture of my daughter in it to remind me of her at her most vulnerable so I wouldn't yell at her, and I put other soothing things in it to help cool my temper, like a soft bit of cloth, something with a soothing scent, etc.. When I felt myself getting upset, I'd go to the box.

It was no magical cure all, but it helped me do better while I worked to get better.

 

[watundah]

It's taken me 3 years to trust and become vulnerable to the point Im starting to open up. It really torqued me because I wanted to get more out of it but knew it was my defenses preventing progress. My suggestions: talk to the therapist about where they see possible resistance and whether there are other techniques they can use. I aslo feel like 60 minutes a week to treat decades of mental illness should cure me by the time Im about 112. Therefore, I read books, write, do art and ask her for assignments so I just don’t put in my hour until next week. Are you seeing a trauma expert? As stated, it really is about baby steps. You could tell her you want her to push you more and see what happens.
And you could check out other therapists.

 

[Crow]

There are different types of therapy and each therapist has an individual style. If it's not working, find something that does. I was just treading water until I started somatic experiencing therapy.

 

[Justmehere]

You may need to consult with a different therapist who uses different therapeutic techniques. After a year in therapy, your therapist should have already done some work on skills to cope with symptoms. I have had to work with a couple of different therapists. They all helped, for a time, and then I needed to do new work with someone different to improve more. It's not about failing, it's about finding what you need to get better.

A couple of suggestions to make therapy more effective:

- Bring a list of 3 (or more) specific goals you hope to achieve by going to therapy and ask the therapist how they can help you achieve those goals.

- Ask the therapist what you can be doing each week outside of therapy session to work on the things talked about in therapy and how to manage symptoms better. It's more than just thinking about questions the therapists asks, but practical use of skills.

- Learn all you can about DBT, CBT, grounding, and mindfulness techniques and skills. There are tons of websites with free info online and many good workbooks out there.

- Practice at least one skill (mindfulness and deep breathing can be done while doing almost anything else) multiple times a day, on a routine basis. It's important to practice the skills when not triggered or struggling as they will become much more effective when triggered or struggling. My therapist had me keep a daily log the severity of symptoms I experienced and how many times I practiced healthy coping skills for a couple of weeks. (This is commonly done for DBT and CBT therapy groups as well.) It was very powerful and helpful to do.

 

[Chava]

I'd communicate with your therapist about this. Maybe they see progress you don't see? Or at the least it would be helpful for them to know you aren't sure it is working....as mentioned above, your therapist works for you, yet it really is a sort of partnership. If something isn't working, or you don't feel like anything is changing, bring it up so you can look into that together.

I've often felt like I was bad at therapy. Very bad at it. For me it turned out that the form of therapy I was doing (with a few different therapists) just wasn't the best fit for me. So, sometimes there is that. Or the actual therapist.

But it sounds like you are looking for skills or ways to feel change happening in your daily life, which is completely relevant. I hope there feels like an okay way for you to bring this up in therapy...maybe your therapist does have some ideas, or could search harder for tools that could help you, but easier if they know you feel stuck or like you don't have the right resources.

 

[RavenGirl]

Although I agree your therapist works you, I think the most important person who works for you is yourself . :tup:Between the self reflection , digging deep to find out why we do the things we do (what makes us angry, what triggers us), what we need to release to get better and how we need to release it , calming techniques, grounding meditation, this is all work we need to do. ;)Our therapist can't do it all for is. The therapist can show us paths that we may take but we need to decide which path is (paths are) the right one(s)for us. They can give us ideas and tools to help / guide us, but ultimately we need to be the ones who make the choice on what tools were going to use and when we're going to use them or if you're going to use them. :tdown:WE hold the power for the change that happens in our lives! :happy:Please don't be offended, please take it for what it is. Just my oppinion. :hug:

 

[shell]

I often feel like I am a failure when it comes to therapy, but when I look back at the person I once was to the person I am now, well that doesn't stack up.

If I only did the work during the 1 hour of my weekly session then yes I would get no-where. The real therapy is the stuff I do to put things into practise, to challenge my thinking, to learn new skills. Read books, learn from reading this forum, journal and read back over your old journals and you should see progress.

Change happens when we learn to trust, so if I doubted my progress now I would be having a conversation with my T so I could then make an informed choice about where I need to go next.