This is a long rambly post - feel free to skip reading it. the quick summary is that therapy went really well, and I'm so glad you all helped me have the courage to go.
You are fighting. I am sending you hugs and hoping you are ok with that. please remember , I HEAR you.:hug:
:hug:@ladee - Thank you so much for listening, and being so kind.
Someone working with people in crisis has to know that people can't always articulate things just so in the midst of the crisis.
Yeah, she wasn't very good at helping me feel safe to talk. She just encouraged me to shut down! She could have said, "Hey, I want to make sure you are going to be safe, and talk through what is a good plan to ensure that..." or "I think we made need to get outside help..." or if she really thought I was just trying to get attention, then why the heck was she paying so much freaking unwanted attention to me? It's not even logical how she responded. Yikes...
I don't think I'm saying this very well, but my point is, I'm sorry all this is happening, and glad you posted.
You said it very well.
You're taking the blame for an idiot. Stop that.
Yep. I am so doing that. Thanks for calling me out on that. Is really is her blame, and I need to stop doing that with her and all the other idiots like her....
It is not your fault the PCP therapist is an incompetent toad who shouldn't be allowed to work with sock puppets, much less people.
*imagining sock puppets on a couch* as she scolds them = hahaha
(I think I would be worried what she would do to the sock puppets!)
You don't have to listen to people who hurt you. Or cover for them / hide what they did. Not any more. And never again.
I really needed this reminder. Enough of my taking on this shit. I'm giving it back to her!
I think I am finding my anger about this intern and what she did...
But it is something hospital & clinic administrators literally have nightmares over... Because it is the kind of thing that has the potential to end careers if the patient lives, and be serious jail time if the patient dies or commits suicide.).
This is what baffled me. This clinic helps a wide spectrum of people - from the homeless to the very wealthy. It was my understanding they have interns like this to help the docs address a patient's needs effectively, and so that no one slips through the cracks.
Something came up internally for the clinic about what happened. I have not yet raised any concerns with them about this (been too busy wrongly blaming myself). But the clinic manager called me just as I was walking into the building of my therapist today. Whatever the intern put in my chart, it prompted the clinic manager to call me and make sure I was getting help today and that I was ok. She was like really reassured I was seeing my therapist today. I guess it's a good sign that perhaps the clinic manager realized there was some kind of problem without my saying anything. The CYA (cover your ass) measures by her were a little annoying, so I got off the phone quick.
Yesterday, the fact that my being suicidal was documented without a legit safety plan (which is what most therapists would do if they really were concerned) even just for LIABILITY reasons led me to think well, I must be a really horrible person and even more in the wrong. Yeah. I really need to stop taking on other's people blame so much... Maybe this is a good wake up call for me in regards to how I do that - too much - and it does fuel my depression, not help me get out of it.
Please don't cancel your therapist. Bring out this post, or a shorter variant of things, but let people know what's up. This sort of behavior of people toward you isn't tolerable, and you -do- need help.
I did almost read this post word for word to my therapist today. It helped me get the words out to her.
Being abused doesn't make you stupid. It never could.
You haven't done badly, either. She did badly.
Thank you for the validation and support
@Cashew.
i mean, you went in looking for help, sincerely, and a professional basically just gas lit you. She deserves to have this in her file, at the very least. She shouldn't be dealing with patients at all
She was gaslighting me! ugh. I hate it when therapists abuse power, especially in that way. I was gaslit as a teenager, very badly... Thanks for helping me see that she was doing that as well.
I can't believe you feel so bad and you don't even have meds to help you through it. I wish I could help somehow
Your support did help, thank you
@SoSadGuilty
And at the same time I feel glad. I feel glad, because of the nice replies. You're not alone in this.
Yeah, this is a pretty amazing group of people, isn't it? You included. Thanks
@Mel (Hippo256) for your support as well.
Hooray for you JMH !!!! In spite of all the ugliness that stupid woman heaped on you, out the door you went this morning..... so very very proud of you....
:grin:
It's a little late, but I'd like to add one more voice to the "where do they FIND these people??????" chorus.
My therapist told me today that some people go to therapy school to work out their own issues and understand themselves better.... "and this one needs to seriously consider going into a different line of work!"
I'd LIKE to suggest you print this thread out and show it to your doctor because someone needs to stop that "therapist" before she gets someone killed.
That really is the danger, isn't it? I mean therapists can put people on holds because of the role they play to help SAVE LIVES, not make people too scared to ever mention suicidal thinking.
That was one of the two really disturbing things that she did. First, I don't know how often someone really "threatens" suicide "looking for attention". I'll bet not very often. But, if someone actually NEEDS attention that bad, for some reason, don't you think they should GET the attention? Second, "locking someone up", technically, is supposed to be for their own good, NOT punishment. And if this alleged therapist doesn't get that, it's kind of a big problem.
These are two really good points. I am going to include both issues in a letter to the supervisor for this intern.
Wow Link Removed , I'm speechless, disgusted, & so sorry for you to go through that. :( If anything, when it comes to hiding SI, I think many of us could get, "The Oscar goes to.. ". :(
EXACTLY! It took me so long to finally admit I needed help, like YEARS. To be treated like this was so crushing. It was like some of my worst fears in asking for help being acted out...
I hope your appt. went well today and am so glad for you that you went. Please keep us updated. You deserve professional, compassionate care.
Thanks
@hodge
Thank you so much for all the validation and support to get through this really crappy experience and to have the courage to talk to my therapist about all of this.
She said the intern sounded like they needed some “serious intervention by a supervisor.” My therapist supervises interns of her own. She said she runs into an intern now and then who gets very “power trippy with their attempts to co dependently rescue people...” She thought the intern's reaction to me was really about her own anxiety, and we talked a lot about not stepping into the scapegoat role and not blaming myself over this. She got right to the heart of what fueled the SI relapse.
My therapist said she could help me figure out how to contact the supervisor for the intern, if I wanted to. I think I am going to write a letter to the supervisor for this intern about what happened and how the experience affected me. I'm going to take a little time to do it, so that I write it from a really solid place. I keep thinking the supervisor won’t believe me, but my therapist said that any decent supervisor worth half their license will at least talk to the intern about it, if only for the sake of the supervisors own liability, and if any more events happen with other people, my letter will help a lot. That was good to hear.
She is also going to call my doc and advocate for getting back on the antidepressant (without such drama with any interns!) and to encourage doc’s staff to check in with her if they are ever worried about me.
We talked through the suicidal thinking, and the relapse of SI, and she was very non-reactive about it. More than just non-judgmental. She is not easily shaken, and it really helped that she was her typical non-reactive self. She encouraged me to reach out to her more often if it keeps coming up. This is the first time I have relapsed with either the suicidal thinking or SI while working with this therapist, and it helped to know that she wasn't thrown off by it. It felt like I had a safe ally –and that’s not something I feel very often about anyone. It’s exactly what I needed after yesterday.
She was a little appaled about the attention seeking accusation - said some of the same things you have all said. I tried to convince her I did this wrong and she just kept saying, "no, that's just not you." Then she got confrontationally kind about my robust self blame.
She also said it was ok to need attention, and that knowing I will reach out for help is what helps her trust me to do the work that we are doing.
We worked on processing through what really triggered me and scared me about the intern yesterday. It felt really good to be able to use a crappy event like that to work through old trauma. I was so discouraged about this being a setback, and it fueled the depression even more. However, my therapist saw it as another way to keep moving forward. It gave me hope that I was desperately needing. And no, she isn’t quitting on me at all, and we scheduled through the end of Feb as “proof.”
Thanks again everyone for the support to get through this. You all rock!
Rejecting unhelpful self blame, one step at a time,
jmh
