Dom Violence I want to attempt leaving

[Gs172003]

I made it down to my home town after two days of driving with my brother, everyone. I feel a lot of ve...

It's so confusing and so understandable too isn't it? I wish people were either all bad or all good. It's hard to wrap your head around it when they aren't.

 

[Teasel]

Brought tears to my eyes reading this. I so understand the conflict it creates in you.
Biggest of hugs for you @courelly it's lovely to hear how you've gotten on.
Best X

 

[courelly]

It's so confusing and so understandable too isn't it? I wish people were either all bad or all good. It'...

And I guess it would be one thing if he had dualities, since everyone does, but the extremity of the dualities is what gets me. It's so much to process that one person could seem so split.

Brought tears to my eyes reading this. I so understand the conflict it creates in you.
Biggest of hu...

Thanks Bearlinda. Will be here to support you whatever you need, as I know you're working through this type of situation right now too.

 

[Whirlwind]

Courelly,

Thank you for the update...so glad to know you are safe and sound!!

but the extremity of the dualities is what gets me. It's so much to process that one person could seem so split.

This is why it took me so long to get out. I genuinely believed for a few years he was bipolar. But then some things didn't add up, enough to "exempt him" from being bipolar.

While I am a fan of Bancroft.....it wasn't until I read those sites I posted and sent you...S. Vaknin even criticizes Bancroft for his failure to recognize the permanence of the condition and the percentage of abusers who are Narcs. Its a subtle thing as Bancroft does stress how difficult...but when I read a Narc describe the condition...alarm bells went off like crazy...some of the things they said....as if they were in my home and had watched us....as if they KNEW my husband personally.

It scared me to be honest. So take it in steps. On youtube....S. Vakin has short bites that are eye opening. And Grannon was a kind voice, I listened to him every evening for awhile.

My point is this is what resolved my internal conundrum regarding his seemingly dual nature. And that....reality really sunk in over time. I realize now that seeming "dual nature" is more a game of smoke and mirrors. More on this another time if you want to talk.

For now, go easy on yourself. You just took a gargantuan heart breaking step to take care of yourself.

Like many of us....we put ourselves last for the sake of others and you just made a change in the right direction. I'm aching with the pain I can imagine you are feeling but also so relieved you are ok. I remember how the emotional strain was more exhausting than running a marathon. Much more.

You just dove in headfirst into the storm...and now its at your back.... "tail wind".......

Take care and wishing you a relaxing day and a good nights sleep.

Whirlwind

 

[littleoc]

I miss him and I didn't want it to have to be this way

I think anyone who has been in a relationship with someone like that understands this thought right here.

From October 2017 to April 2018 I missed my ex so much and was so worried about her, but tus week, I've finally gotten over that. It feels great.

I hope you can get here soon, too. Take your time, though. There's a lot to process. Just remember why you left, and don't go back. Write it down and read it when you have thoughts like that.

Very glad you're safe and out

 

[courelly]

Courelly,

Thank you for the update...so glad to know you are safe and sound!!



This is why it took...

Thank you Whirlwind. I didn't know that about Bancroft. It's interesting to hear, because my ex partner thought that Bancroft's view on a low recovery rate was extreme. He believed that his point of view demonized men, took advantage of vulnerable women, and that even the men Bancroft referred to were "much worse" than him because they were batterers. I told him that wasn't necessarily true, as verbal and emotional are also forms of abuse.

I'm going to try and get into a therapy group as soon as possible so that I process this and don't return to the situation I was in.

 

[courelly]

I think anyone who has been in a relationship with someone like that understands this thought right he...

I'm glad you're in a place where you finally feel accepting about the break up. That makes me hopeful that it's possible.

 

[Teasel]

Was just thinking about this, I seem to remember Lundy Bancroft saying that pretty much every man in his program expressed a belief that other abusive men were far worse than themselves.

 

[Whirlwind]

Courelly,

Pardon me if I'm taking up too much of your .... my escape is still fresh and I bumped into some amazing things along the way that helped me.

Another excellent site for personal growth and understanding; RED FLAGS from Psychopaths (Part 1)

I'm not saying all abusers are Narcs/Psycho's but the experts told me it is a continuum. As I read I saw many eerie truths....but they are not all the same...mine is more introverted. He doesn't boast etc. he "fails" some psycho traits and is totally others. Read to part three.

I grew up in abusive..obvious abuse, no pretend "love" amongst us. It was get out of the way or get thrown. But I "knew" what they were at a very young age. I had a college friend with some toxic parents but they "loved" her so much. I always thought it was harder for her...mine punched me, ya know?

Same with my marriage. IT IS worse (to me). I didn't even believe in Narcs/psychopaths ...thought it was a trendy term and the murderers in life.

because my ex partner thought that Bancroft's view on a low recovery rate was extreme

Nope. I have never heard the contrary from a reputable source. My local abuse group is run by a specialist in the field, he's known in the field. He confirmed the same for me and certain "types" he has never seen recovery. As in the type they feel my husband (probably is). It was hard for me to hear that.

Bancroft referred to were "much worse" than him because they were batterers. I told him that wasn't necessarily true, as verbal and emotional are also forms of abuse.

Worse in some ways...it is just such a mind bender....but that's the trick ;) Mine was as described in the link above....he has a zero startle response and he is very high risk. Free climbing...it goes on and on/extreme sports. And he has this sweet....farm boy innocence about him. It was so lovely to me....

It makes me uncomfortable still...it is a ruse. He "uses" it and I've seen him turn it on/off along with other varying "tricks". Ugh. Didn't see it for over 10 yrs and then he began to show. Always wondered why then...too lazy to hide it any more? Or maybe...needed to get a bigger rise out of me? Don't need to know anymore....too creepy.

get into a therapy group as soon as possible

Please do, there are even free or super low cost. I went to one $5/session. My favorite group turned out to be free!

You are amazing..and sound very good considering everything you just experienced.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[courelly]

Was just thinking about this, I seem to remember Lundy Bancroft saying that pretty much every man in...

Good memory Bearlinda, I forgot this part of the book.

 

[Sheila_a]

Glad you made it there!

To address that initial, paralyzing pain which you'll only feel in the first phase of recovery, you might want to have a look at the audio modules from Melanie Tonia Evans. They greatly helped me on the direct emotional plane and I still use them today from time to time when I feel it would help my growth to question a formerly hidden core belief from childhood. Have a look, it might not be for everyone.

Regarding the mixed emotions. In my case (and most targets') they were associated with what is referred to as 'cognitive dissonance' and that's something very typical. This can be a rewarding time to really learn as much as possible about how a narc's brain works and there are plenty great books out there. I can recommend a list, in case you feel like reading at all. Until we have that 'reading frame' for decoding - and I understand you already have some information through L. Bancroft - it is very hard to span the gap between his seemingly nice characteristics/deeds and the nasty behavior and accordingly the gap inbetween your contradicting emotions. It enabled me to see the puzzle coming together. I literally woke up each morning with another situation 'solved', falling into place ... Things started to make sense, finally.

But this is all the logical part of the brain and 'understanding' was a prerequisite for me, so I first read 37 books on the topic. Now, the 'emotional understanding' and actual healing is without any doubt the real path to sound healing. And it will lead to a much more wonderful life than you even had BEFORE him! These encounters truly hold silver linings once you take back your power, and I know this sounds crazy :-).

I would like to share one of my favorite quotes with you:
"The temptation when the path to success gets too bumpy
is to leap back into the comfort zone. Don't.
Keep pushing forward, always forward.
The comfort zone is the land of dreams and wishes.
Success is the land of results, where all the dreams come true."
- Marc Burnett

 

[courelly]

Glad you made it there!

To address that initial, paralyzing pain which you'll only feel in the first...

Thank you for these resources. I'm having trouble accepting that this is the reality of my partner, but his actions match up with a mostly textbook case of abuse. I wanted it to be different. I also made my life revolve around him, and now I'm not cooking for him, anticipating what he might need, or whether he's in a bad mood. I'm face to face with myself, and it's deafening! I don't know how else to explain that. Even though I'm interacting with other people, the quiet of his absence is so loud.