I want to die

[Anna Reese]

I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts from 13 years. At 31, it has gotten so bad, I tried to kill myself last year but couldn't but just hang myself from a cloth in the bathroom. I tried really hard, but I couldn't force myself. Now I still want to die, but can't and I hate myself for existing. I don't know what to do. I hate being alive so much. 2 pSYChatrists diagnosed me with complex ptsd, but I don't want to believe it, but a part of me believes I am damaged and better off dead. I need help but I can't afford a therapist.

 

[Survivor3]

Hiya, @Anna Reese. You've made a great step forward by coming onto this site. Welcome. There are alot of very smart people and caring people here.

I'm so sorry to hear that you feel this way. It sounds like you are full of despair. I too tried to kill myself many years ago. It's very scary to be at 'the end'. You are not alone. Try to share your story and people will be able to understand your situation and help you. Managing your situation without a therapist must be awful.
Try to be kind to yourself you deserve to live and have a good quality of life. All the best to you S3. ?

 

[Anna Reese]

Hiya, @Anna Reese. You've made a great step forward by coming onto this site. Welcome. There are alot of very smart people and caring people here.

I'm so sorry to hear that you feel this way. It sounds like you are full of despair. I too tried to kill myself many years ago. It's very scary to be at 'the end'. You are not alone. Try to share your story and people will be able to understand your situation and help you. Managing your situation without a therapist must be awful.
Try to be kind to yourself you deserve to live and have a good quality of life. All the best to you S3. ?

Thank you. It means a lot. I haven't learnt how to be kind to myself. Its just suicidal thoughts are taking a lot of out of me. And a strong part wishes I could do it.

 

[Survivor3]

Self care is not easy. For some people, including myself it sometimes just comes down to trying to eat properly and/or getting washed. Going for a walk and getting some fresh air (coffee) for 10 minutes somewhere.

what's your support network like? Do you have any family/friends that are aware of your situation?

If you need to let off steam and talk to people then go into the chat forum as well.

 

[Anna Reese]

Self care is not easy. For some people, including myself it sometimes just comes down to trying to eat properly and/or getting washed. Going for a walk and getting some fresh air (coffee) for 10 minutes somewhere.

what's your support network like? Do you have any family/friends that are aware of your situation?

If you need to let off steam and talk to people then go into the chat forum as well.

I can do all of that, it is stopping the thoughts and living happily is the issue. I don't have friends, and only my mom who has anxiety. She cares but not enough.
Thanks Will try that.

 

[User88]

Whenever I feel suicidal, I remind myself that my life has value, your life has value and worth. You are important. Suicide is never the solution no matter how damaged a person is. There are always ways of getting help and support even if you can’t afford a therapist. Internet is a huge help because you can be anonymous and read about how others cope etc. Hope that helps a little

 

[MainerMikeBrown]

I agree with User 88. Suicide is never the solution.

Things get better. When life is bad, it doesn't stay bad forever.

 

[Anna Reese]

I agree with User 88. Suicide is never the solution.

Things get better. When life is bad, it doesn't stay bad forever.

It does feel like this, first my dad dies, i get mental health issues and then the coronavirus, its just one thing after the other.

 

[Anna Reese]

Whenever I feel suicidal, I remind myself that my life has value, your life has value and worth. You are important. Suicide is never the solution no matter how damaged a person is. There are always ways of getting help and support even if you can’t afford a therapist. Internet is a huge help because you can be anonymous and read about how others cope etc. Hope that helps a little

I can't even say Life is a gift aloud, I feel it isnt. Thank you, it does.

 

[osiris]

It does feel like this,
its just one thing after the other.

And that is terrible and that’s going to contribute to why you feel so bad.
But none of that is worth losing your life over. I promise. (And this is coming from someone who regularly needs to be told the exact same thing).

Hang in there. Write in here. Speak to a T in real life (or someone who will listen if you can’t afford that right now). Things can and will change and you will find days when you cope better than others.

Your life is worth living, even if you can’t feel it right now.

Sending you gentle thoughts.

 

[DianeTrippin]

I do not know what is worse: to live or die. But while I live, I can change something (maybe someone else can do it for me)

 

[Ronin]

Grief, like losing parents, and then compounded by other griefs, tends to stick around a while, and muddy everything up....

But nothing of what happened means your life is better over.

Or that everyone's better off without you.

It means things hurt a lot now...
But all of that can ease.
Some just in a much longer time.

Have you thought of talking to a grief counselor or a pastor or different clergy, even if not religious?

Someone, anyone, to not be alone with the loss.