I Want To Do My Best

[Learning123]

Hi,

I'm new to the forum so I'll explain what has brought me here. My ex gf, I believe is suffering from PTSD. I don't want to go into detail about her past, but there were definitely events that have lead to this. She has been seeing a councillor for almost a year and a half and I know that PTSD was mentioned, although I don't know how much they are working on this, I do know that the councillor has a lot of experience in trauma and I trust that she will guide her.

My problem...

My gf broke up with me 2 months ago because she was confused about her feelings, didn't understand why she was angry with me all the time and couldn't deal with what was happening in her head. Let me be very clear on this, I AM NOT posting here to try and win her back. I love her and I want to be there for her and help her through this. Despite the very obvious symptoms that I've noticed, anger, irritability, mentions of emotional numbness, nightmares, flashbacks, isolating herself, venting her anger at me and acting normal around everyone else, suicidal thoughts, tiredness, stress, etc, I don't think that she really understands why all this is happening.

I believe this is very real to her, I believe she doesn't want to be in a relationship, she wants to be alone, and that everything she experiences cannot be put down to a disorder in her head, because she is unable to see it any other way. I will never claim to understand because I don't and can't, it would be ignorant of me to claim to.

However, I know that in the 5 years that we have been together, she has opened up to me more than anyone and she continues, on occasions to do so.

I am trying to educate myself so that I can "not take this personally", be strong for her, hold her when she's sad, walk away when she needs space, basically do everything right. But what I don't know is if my being there is making this harder for her. I want her to get better and I want to be there, and I will never ever make this about our relationship. But do ex's just make it harder? I'm in turmoil, I don't know what do to for the best and I'm so worried I'm being selfish by wanting to stand by her.

Any thoughts, opinions, comments will be very welocme please.

Thanks guys

 

[sarha]

Hello Learning123:

Welcome to the forum! I'm new here myself. Seems like you will find a lot of great information here to help guide you. I think it's wonderful that you want to be supportive for your ex. I don't really have any answers for you. Reading your post, it seems like I've been on the other side of similar situations before: distancing from an ex-partner because of my PTSD issues. For me, early on in my healing, I'd find myself getting more and more terrified the closer I became to anybody (actually not just romantic partners, but friends, too). The only way I had at the time to calm myself was to withdraw from the relationship.

My ex-husband was very supportive of me, even after we split, and I think in my case that was very helpful to me. I hope you find the support and guidance you are looking for here. You sound like a very considerate partner.

take care and welcome again

 

[itg]

Everyone is different (and I'm not a professional) so I woun't say if your doing the right thing but it amazes me that you're being so suportive and positive about it. I have had trouble with my boyfriend because of my PTSD and my behaviors and troubles dealing with everyday things. All I can say is his continuing support and comitment to me is so helpfulland knowing he is always there for me even after I have a hard time. It's awesome that even though you two have broken up you've been such a support. I am continually amazed by the amount of guys that are much different then the ones who abused me and others I know. Hopefully the people here will be able to help you.

 

[Learning123]

Thanks so much to both of you for your replies, it makes me feel so strong to know that I can look for help here, and both of your posts give me the courage and strength to continue trying to help. It's so easy to think to myself I would be better off walking away because this is going to be rough, I know that. But then I think, she didn't choose this to happen to her, she can't walk away so why should I, after all, before this I had committed to her forever and PTSD can break that - even if it is just a friendship from now on. I won't lie, I struggle, and when I think about the times she has said "I'm not in love with you / I don't look at you and feel those love feelings anymore, and I can't be in a relationship so I feel I have no choice" it hurts. To this day I don't know if that's the PTSD talking or if that is how she feels, so I can't expect her to know right now. I have to focus on the nice things she has said since the split, that she loves me so much, that we had a perfect relationship etc. The knowledge that I've gained so far from you guys and this forum give me the strength to know that this has to be about her happiness and future, and mine of course, I'm still working on me, but the strongest message I have gained from this, and the message I would give to anyone else out there right now is this: PTSD sufferers didn't choose this path, they can't walk away from it, so if you commit to someone, even if you don't get what you wanted from them anymore, don't give up. Be strong. Thanks so much I'm amazed by how good people on these forums can be.

 

[Learning123]

Sorry I meant to say PTSD can't break that!!

 

[cherryblossom]

PTSD sufferers didn't choose this path, they can't walk away from it, so if you commit to someone, even if you don't get what you wanted from them anymore, don't give up. Be strong.

Thank you for those amazing thoughts. As a PTSD sufferer, I know that at times I can be hellish to be around so I commend you in supporting your ex girlfriend in this way. But 'we' can also be very selfish, it's not only about the 'sufferer', so please make sure you look after yourself.

regards,
CB

 

[Learning123]

Thanks for that, and you're right, it is important to take care of everyone involved.

I have a question actually, I just want to make sure that I'm doing things properly, so if anyone can answer that would be great.

Do PTSD sufferers get jealous, get sad if their partner moves on into another relationship in the future etc? Or is it just normal for the ex to remain single in order to keep this less complicated. I have no intentions of getting into a relationship right now, but if, in the future this comes up, does it make it worse for the sufferer?

I would like to point out that I stand by what I said, I am committed to my ex as a friend and if this did make it harder, I can say whole-heartedly right now that I would do whatever is best for her. I don't need a relationship with someone to be happy, and will stand by her, whatever.


Bit of a general question I know, but I don't want to mess up!!

Thanks

 

[Malahee]

Learning123,

I'm pretty much in the situation of your ex. My ex is the only person I've ever told anything about my past experiences, and he continues to be the only person I go to. And thank you for being there for her, because I know for me it really means a lot to have someone who may not understand, but at least tries.

I did (and continue) to do the same thing of suddenly getting irritated by men that I'm close to and pushing myself away. I know that in my case, most of the time I know that I'm doing it but I just can't control it, and it makes me feel horrible. It's the reason I eventually broke up with my boyfriend, I hated hurting him so much.

About your question...I guess it depends on the person. My ex is with someone else now, but he's still there for me and mostly I just want him to be happy. Sometimes it does hurt, but it passes. I'm glad that he has someone.

Once again thank you for being a great guy, and if you have any questions you might want to ask, you can feel free to ask me.

 

[Learning123]

Thanks Malahee, that's really helpful. I think that my ex has definitely pushed me away through fear of hurting. It's complicated and hard for me to even see moving on. I feel like I want to be there for her and I also want to take care of me but right now can't see how the two fit together.

I don't want to be there in 2 years time with someone new, and have her regretting us breaking up or wanting to work things out with us. Do sufferers ever want to go back to their ex or do they tend to associate that relationship with 'hard times' and feel reluctant to view them in that way?

Sorry to ask this, it's not that I see us getting back together now, I guess sometimes I focus too much on what she needs, but right now it's pretty much all I care about.

x