Strangelongtrip
MyPTSD Pro
Hey all, I've had some trauma come up, the last two days I've been incredibly triggered, and I've been examining my behaviors in a detached way (instead of reacting, I'm taking time and responding, and I'm SO proud of me!!) and some more stuff has come up and I feel like I have a clearer picture. I so want to be over my sexual assault/rape traumas. I've noticed some trends in my behavior, and I wanted to discuss them and see if anyone acted similarly, or if anyone has hints, or just support. I "go" (virtually) to therapy this Thursday and already told her what's bothering me and what I want to work on.
My first "sexual assault" was COCSA at 5 years old. My second was COCSA at 8 years old. Both were girls my age. I grew up with a lot of anxiety and depression, gender dysphoria, chronic pain (which started when I was 8, which is weird when I think about it lol). I didn't really date again until I was 17 (although I had started going out to clubs and parties at 16, although I didn't do much I'd occasionally kiss people or such, which is when I started thinking I was bisexual or pansexual bc gender didn't matter much to how I felt about these interactions), and at 18 I started going out to raves and hooking up with people at said raves lol. At 18 (still in high school) I started dating a guy in his early 20s, he was abusive in every way, yada yada, I was assaulted by a female friend at our "senior week" and he did nothing to help, everything got worse and found out he was cheating and broke up, yada yada. I had a one night stand which was terrible, I went clubbing again, throughout my late teens and twenties was assaulted at clubs.
Had another relationship in 2016-2017, I wanted it to be just sex but he wanted a relationship, but looking back I don't think I was sober but for like 3 of my sexual encounters throughout my life and I dissociated the whole time, being inebriated was the only way for me to be present and feel like it was okay. Broke up with him bc I realized I don't really have an emotional/romantic connection to men (with some exceptions), started dating people of other genders but didn't really get into a relationship, had a weird fling with a guy that lasted like a month, and in 2018 I re-met the girl I was in love with in high school and we went on a few dates but I ruined it bc my PTSD/BPD was so bad and she would randomly disappear.
Basically I've gone on stand alone dates here and there since then, and it just wouldn't work out or I wouldn't pursue it. Even if I really liked the people, I would push them away, or I would give up. I never felt ready and I sorta liked being single. I thought I had a crush on a friend, and told her, but honestly every time she touched me I flinched, and we weren't compatible anyways. The last year or so, maybe since 2019ish, I've been planning a move to another state with my parents. The last three crushes I've had were people who lived anywhere from a thousand to three thousand miles from me.
It was so so much easier to project these crush and romantic fantasies on these people (who are my friends, really. One I did meet and we had no chemistry, the other I'm just WAITING but I'm also terrified to meet them) because they lived far away and there was no threat of physical contact. I could fantasize about being in a relationship and ticking off a life fulfillment box without actually engaging in any way that would facilitate us actually dating or being near each other, or working through my trauma or even talking about it. I could just flirt like friends, and then I would be okay because I could just turn off my phone and not have to see them in person.
Honestly I'm not even sure if I want to change this behavior. I thought a bit yesterday about just finding people to work on virtual "sexting" stuff with that are removed from my friends or people I have crushes on, and not telling anyone about it. But I'm also scared of that (and I have to get over this episode before I try to engage that way). I can only love people from a distance. Like the person I have a crush on now, I am torn into two. I love their affection and attention, they are so kind and attractive and just a good person (which is saying something for the people I've crushed on in the past), but then I get angry, and want to push them away, because I'm really scared. I call them friend and they call me friend and I both WANT something more to be there, and also I am terrified of something more being there. Friends is safe and I like it (not like...I haven't hooked up with friends either, though. I don't even know). It tears me in two, because two parts of me want different things. The damaged part wants to never get close, the healing part wants intimacy. I just want to be over this sexual/romantic/emotional trauma. But I also don't want to get hurt again. Thank you for reading this long piece haha.
My first "sexual assault" was COCSA at 5 years old. My second was COCSA at 8 years old. Both were girls my age. I grew up with a lot of anxiety and depression, gender dysphoria, chronic pain (which started when I was 8, which is weird when I think about it lol). I didn't really date again until I was 17 (although I had started going out to clubs and parties at 16, although I didn't do much I'd occasionally kiss people or such, which is when I started thinking I was bisexual or pansexual bc gender didn't matter much to how I felt about these interactions), and at 18 I started going out to raves and hooking up with people at said raves lol. At 18 (still in high school) I started dating a guy in his early 20s, he was abusive in every way, yada yada, I was assaulted by a female friend at our "senior week" and he did nothing to help, everything got worse and found out he was cheating and broke up, yada yada. I had a one night stand which was terrible, I went clubbing again, throughout my late teens and twenties was assaulted at clubs.
Had another relationship in 2016-2017, I wanted it to be just sex but he wanted a relationship, but looking back I don't think I was sober but for like 3 of my sexual encounters throughout my life and I dissociated the whole time, being inebriated was the only way for me to be present and feel like it was okay. Broke up with him bc I realized I don't really have an emotional/romantic connection to men (with some exceptions), started dating people of other genders but didn't really get into a relationship, had a weird fling with a guy that lasted like a month, and in 2018 I re-met the girl I was in love with in high school and we went on a few dates but I ruined it bc my PTSD/BPD was so bad and she would randomly disappear.
Basically I've gone on stand alone dates here and there since then, and it just wouldn't work out or I wouldn't pursue it. Even if I really liked the people, I would push them away, or I would give up. I never felt ready and I sorta liked being single. I thought I had a crush on a friend, and told her, but honestly every time she touched me I flinched, and we weren't compatible anyways. The last year or so, maybe since 2019ish, I've been planning a move to another state with my parents. The last three crushes I've had were people who lived anywhere from a thousand to three thousand miles from me.
It was so so much easier to project these crush and romantic fantasies on these people (who are my friends, really. One I did meet and we had no chemistry, the other I'm just WAITING but I'm also terrified to meet them) because they lived far away and there was no threat of physical contact. I could fantasize about being in a relationship and ticking off a life fulfillment box without actually engaging in any way that would facilitate us actually dating or being near each other, or working through my trauma or even talking about it. I could just flirt like friends, and then I would be okay because I could just turn off my phone and not have to see them in person.
Honestly I'm not even sure if I want to change this behavior. I thought a bit yesterday about just finding people to work on virtual "sexting" stuff with that are removed from my friends or people I have crushes on, and not telling anyone about it. But I'm also scared of that (and I have to get over this episode before I try to engage that way). I can only love people from a distance. Like the person I have a crush on now, I am torn into two. I love their affection and attention, they are so kind and attractive and just a good person (which is saying something for the people I've crushed on in the past), but then I get angry, and want to push them away, because I'm really scared. I call them friend and they call me friend and I both WANT something more to be there, and also I am terrified of something more being there. Friends is safe and I like it (not like...I haven't hooked up with friends either, though. I don't even know). It tears me in two, because two parts of me want different things. The damaged part wants to never get close, the healing part wants intimacy. I just want to be over this sexual/romantic/emotional trauma. But I also don't want to get hurt again. Thank you for reading this long piece haha.