I Want To Quit. No, I Don't. Yes, I Do. No, I Don't. Yes, I Do.

[DharmaGirl]

One more day until surgery and I'm freaking out about missing a week of therapy. My symptoms are almost through the roof at night. I am under control most of the day. I keep myself pretty busy during the day. Last night I was screaming so much my son had to check on me and he's used to my screaming.

I've been canceling a lot of sessions since before Christmas, and my therapist (T) was out 1 and 1/2 weeks in Dec with Pneumonia. I've been canceling since my pain keeps me from being able to drive half the time. Anyway, I have attachment issues, and I felt good about the theraputic relationship until I stopped going regularly. Now I don't feel very attached, and even though he has helped me a lot, I want to escape. I have a huge fear of abandonment. The first 8 months of therapy, if my session was canceled I was suicidal. I'm not there now, but I want to leave first.

I have this week off for surgery and I go back next Monday if I am able and it would be the perfect time to leave. I am so afraid of becoming attached again, and being vulnerable that I want to sneak away when I won't be as hurt. I have told my T I was quitting before, but it was too emotional and painful. This time it wouldn't be. I would be able to work in my workbooks at home, and journal. It would be awesome.

The problem with that is, I want to continue with trauma therapy, and continue to get well and I need a therapist for that. I have a really good one. Why am I wanting to sneak away? Why? Its like I'm trying to get in my own way. Any suggestions for getting through the week?

 

[Whitneys story]

Oh Monster your not, I can so relate. Anxiety, pain, fear of the unknown.

I feel you might be trying to clump emotions. Can we separate the words you have spoken.

I see three major issues in your post.
-Surgery
-Therapy
-Self attachment/detachment

Your post is one of the most positive results of continuing your healing. Are you fearing the success of continuing? Or might you be like me?

Sometimes we overload our brain with too much to balance the process.

Will you be prepared to drive to therapy immediately or maybe it will be two weeks. Allow some breathing room!

Please know I am here to congratulate for your huge growth. Please don't allow fear to get in front of you. You are so rising above it!

Anxiety can cause more pain than some medical problems. Breath and repeat, think of something relaxing; breath and repeat. Allow your mind and body to let go and rest! Your puppies will be guarding you.

I have asked the universe to send you the best medical team and after care for a smooth recovery! No moving the woodpile for a while. :hug: Whitney

 

[Pencil]

Why am I wanting to sneak away? Why? Its like I'm trying to get in my own way.

Because this is how attachment fear works.

Look at this situation from one year in the future, and try to see the individual outcomes of the two different paths.

Don't make a decision about this - try con your mind into postponing making that decision. That's what worked for me when I felt overwhelming fear about making a decision about going to a session or cancelling. If I had an appointment on a Wednesday, and I started freaking on the Friday prior, it helped me to know that I could postpone making that decision until the Tuesday. You're driving yourself insane by trying to make a definitive, permanent decision. You should know by now that the fear and the need always balance each other perfectly - no matter what you 'decide' - the other option will want to be chosen, so to speak. And the louder you say 'I don't want to go', the more desperate you will be to go. No wonder you're screaming. When I was there with T1 I thought I was going to have a heart attack or a stroke. But I didn't :).

Hang in there, I know how difficult it is, and you may remember that you talked me through a similar situation. In the long run you won't regret going back, but you will regret burning that bridge. Just remember that it is your illness speaking, and not your rational mind. And so you do need to go back.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Thank you so much Whitney. Now that I can see them separately, they are easier to handle. I am anxious about the surgery, yes, and I can do relaxation exercises and get in the jacuzzi for the last time for 6 weeks. I can do meditation, and watch a good comedy.

I have rides set up for therapy. I don't want to miss two weeks but I can always call or email him.

I think I will be so busy recovering, I won't have too much time for the attachment stuff. I can call him if I feel bad, but also I can be ok with not seeing him for a week or two and trust that I will still feel the theraputic relationship is strong.

My pups are going to be so unhappy that they won't be able to sleep with me. They do have their own beds that I made from crib mattresses. The dog beds were too small and expensive. I bought 2 crib mattresses for 5 dollars each and covered them. The girls turn their nose up at them, lol.

Thanks again for your help, just seeing it as 3 regular size things instead of 1 giant thing made it so much easier!

Thank you Pencil, you are also right. I don't have to go nuts over this! I can wait until 4/1/13 to cancel my appt. I feel so much better!

 

[Hashi]

Sorry, I have no suggestions to add, but I wanted to wish you well with your surgery.

I hope you have a speedy recovery, from the surgery and from the effect of having to miss some therapy appointments.

 

[Whitneys story]

I am not sure if you are able physically to lay on there beds to scent them! Or wrap up in some blankets that you can place on their beds. I am sure the beds are wonderful but they don't have mommy scent on them.:hug: Whitney