I Want To Start My Diary

[ms.chessnudt]

I am really hungover today. I usually avoid hangovers, I'm usually good about alternating cocktails with water, getting plenty of sleep; yesterday, I had cramps and a friend gave me a pill, a percocet, I've never taken it before and it slayed me. Felt great at the time, but not so much today...drank way too much, the pill dehydrated me, today I feel useless and guilty.

Yesterday was bliss though, I had no sadness or fear, I even let my boyfriend spend the night...I don't let him do that often, I still live where my husband shot himself and it's too hard to share the space. Boyfriend doesn't like it much, either, but we want to be together...his place is too small and I have my son, we couldn't all fit there. I believe we'd live well together elsewhere, we just can't do it here. I feel paralyzed to change the situation, to get my house ready for sale and get us out of here. I'm avoiding like crazy these days, isolating, sleeping after my son goes to school.

I wish I didn't drink so much, I don't want to stop, I just want to slow down. I don't want to feel guilty about it.

I pretty much feel guilty about everything, all the time. Boyfriend is cheerfully cutting my grass right now and I feel like an asshole, even though he loves doing it and I don't ask him to. I want to be able to do it all myself. One of the last things that my husband said to me was, "do it yourself, you're going to have to learn how to do things your own ****ing self if you want to leave me," I didn't know how true that would be. And I can do it myself, but this is a big house and property and I need help...if he hadn't killed himself, I wouldn't be doing this all by myself, I wouldn't be the only parent, we would have sold the house and split the profit...now everything is breaking down, little things, and I am too tired to make it right.

My son is eating pizza and cookies for breakfast. He's so happy, so peaceful, I am jealous of him.

 

[amethist]

Hi laura

Go easy on yourself, no one can do everything on their own. Your son is happy eating pizza and cookies for breakfast lol, not the best choice but as you say happy.

As your boyfriend enjoys cutting the grass let him do it. I wish my hubby would cut ours without me having to tell him we have Lions and Tigers roaming loose, competing for space with his shed and my holly tree.

Maybe your boyfriend could help you do your house up so you could find a place together, just an idea.

You say you don't want to drink so much, but not stop. Sometimes with ptsd the only thing to do is stop, it's like pouring petrol on a fire sometimes, it won't go out until you stop doing it.

You will be able to start your diary once you are no longer restricted to the new members area. It explains all about new member restrictions and why it is in place in the FAQ section.

For now keep posting and take care.

Amethist

 

[Amy Lou]

Hi,

I can so relate to your words. The guilt about how you are feeling and the lack of ambition to really live your life along with the envy of others for doing it. I've met so many people in all these years while I lived on the outside looking in - dealing with PTSD. Yet, here you are; just posting while I'm posting - and you get it. Thanks for helping me feel less alone. I hope I can return the favor.

By the way, letting your boyfriend help you by mowing the lawn is excellent. It's one less thing for you to worry about.

Take care,
Amy Lou

 

[suzie q]

Easy Does It...

So glad to hear that you are aware of what you are doing and not dissing out. I know if it were me, I'de not know where I was, let alone what I did last night. You are doing great and I know things just feel wrong right now. You are doing the best you can and your son knows this. Kids know a lot more than we give them credit for. Keep looking at him because he is what is keeping you together don't you know. You are stronger than you know and things will pull together as they are supposed to. Take it one minute at a time... like, "What am I going to do in 5 minutes?". When thats done, do it again. This helped me with my guilt and shame until I could learn how to process it. You are not at fault for any of the terrible things that have happened lately. This is the truth. People make their own choices in life and have the right to do so. This is not anyones fault, it is a fact.

You are not alone on your journey, just ask for a helping hand from anyone in the forum and I'm positive you'll receive all you can handle.

Lots of Love and prayers to you and your son... suzie q

 

[ms.chessnudt]

Thanks so much for your words, all of you, and thanks to the moderators for opening up more space to me. Tomorrow, with my morning tea, I will try and make a first diary entry. Everything is hurting right now, but it doesn't always hurt, I try and remind myself.

 

[Manic11]

Good for you!
Remember, when starting your diary you don't to let it out all at once. Feel free to write as much as you are comfortable writing.
And take care of yourself! That's also very important.

Manic