Sexual Assault I Was A Pedophile Protege

[NDKnight]

Hey all,

I need to get this out if only so that it is out there.


Ok, here goes.

Man, this is harder than I thought,

My grandfather sexually abused me at an early age, I remember him telling me that all parents do this with their children, and that I needed to be a BIG boy and learn all of what he was teaching me so that I can be more of a grown up as I was 12 yrs old. If I couldn't do it well enough, well he was sure my younger sisters would be better learners.

So I learned about oral and anal sex, how to deep throat and how to cry quietly into my pillow at night so my painful sobs couldn't be heard lest I fail to protect my sisters or not show that I could be a big boy and not take it.

To this day I am hyper vigilant about my butt. No one touches it.

I remember giving friends bj's as a way of trying to teach others what I learned, to make sure I was practicing well what my grandfather taught me.

When I babysat other kids I always tried to teach them a little of what I learned, because I knew if the parents were going out to a party or drinking, well that meant they were not teaching their children either.

I remember trying to teach them and not understanding why they were upset.

It wasn't until I was 19 that I saw a show on pedophiles and what that meant, that I understood the real horror of what I had been doing and what had been done to me.

So I tried and failed to commit suicide.

When that didn't work I smoked and did drugs to try to forget, burying myself in constant working, forcing myself to forget.

I never had any friends, as I couldn't understand how the children could always be happy, and still have all these things happen to them. * I believed my grandfather that all children had to learn these things* and yet I was always sad and withdrawn and upset.

I tried throughout the years to gain friends, but they were always girls and that they all had boyfriends who had to show some weird little kid that they could punch and hit people really good.

I know in high school that when the football team were really frustrated, they would hunt me down and take turns beating me so they would feel better for their next game.

I was too stupid to just take it and lay bleeding on the ground, I always got back up again, so they got tired of showing everyone how they could hurt me, and started to leave me alone.

Until recently most of the past is a fog, brief images of being drowned by some boys to see how long it would take, or being choked until I passed out.

My sexuality was never questioned, as I was just a freaked who was there to be abused until people were bored.

I found some of my dad's porn, and that didn't help as I seem to only get excited when women or girls were being tortured. I am an avid reader and almost all his porn were erotic novels.

Until recently when I came out to myself in September, I considered myself a horrible monster just waiting to attack some poor child or woman. Thoughts were always there and I fought them all the time.

Thank goodness I have never touched another child since I was 18. Strangely enough when my step grandson was born, all those thoughts went away. ALthough I have been beating myself up mentally all my life.

I have always tried to help people, it always made me feel good to know that even though I am a monster I could hopefully one day sneak into heaven through the back door by helping anyone and everyone I could. * even to the detriment of myself.

I thought at the age of twenty I could go hide in a monastery in Brazil to keep myself away from the world. Didn't get the chance, as my white and red rage's would get the better of me, and I was sent home packing.

I always got SO angry when some kids would say I was gay, as I was always taught that it was evil to be so.

So many fights, I never won. Kept telling people I was falling down a lot of stairs growing up.

Fleeting moments of happiness were far and few indeed.
I became like my parents, workaholics. Long hours or multiple jobs. Abusive bosses, which I thought I deserved so no self esteem.

Begging God to kill me as I was too much of a weakling coward to do the job right myself, I failed in doing even that right.

Years later I found out that not only did my grandfather lie to me *duh*
But he also abused my sisters and my cousin.
The hardest part was that as my mother and her siblings grew up, he abused them too.

Don't worry he is dead now, even though strangely I would like nothing better than to go to his grave and dig it up and smash his bones to dust.

I married a woman I met online 14 yrs ago, we have been married for 12 yrs and I have just come to realize 15 days ago that I am gay.

Two years ago I lost my mind *sorta* when my T levels were so low I thought I was transgender.

Called myself by a different name and was getting ready to go for hormone therapy, when my extremely Catholic Aunt and my sister effectively threw me back into the closet.

I never had a girlfriend, until I met my wife online, at age 28. When I was in college I use to hang with a large group of women, and listen to their relationships with boys and sympathize.
Looking back it is obvious now that I have been gay my entire life, but due to my grandfathers meddling I buried my sexuality completely.

 

[happyfail]

I'm sorry to hear that, dear NDKnight. I completely understand your pain and frustration. Feel free to talk to me anytime.

 

[endlessocean]

I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. I think it is very possible tht through awareness and therapy, you could get better. I think it is common for those who were sexually abused ot be confused about their sexuality. I wish you all the best.

 

[NDKnight]

Thank you both very much. I have come to terms with being gay.
I remember knowing I was gay back when I was 8 years old, but after the sexual abuse I considered everything remotely sexual as evil.

 

[NDKnight]

My sexual abuse now no longer is the focal point of my life, knowing my true sexual orientation has made me happier than I have been in 30 years.

I believe I can now slowly and surely start to live my life, without the constant self hatred and loathing I spent carrying for what feels like forever.

 

[Ali1157]

I am so sorry what you have been through and your suffering to find yourself.

I wish you the best of luck and thank you for your story.

 

[PrayersHope]

NDknight, I am saying this from the bottom of my heart. You must forgive yourself because at the time you commited sexual abuse on other children, you were still a child yourself, even at 18 you were still a child and considering the horrid abuse you went through, your emotional maturity was stunted. We are learning that the human brain doesnt fully develope until the age of 26. I have read everything you wrote and I can feel your pain and anguish. I am going to say this again, you are forgiven for what you did. Furthermore, I think you deserve an award for being able to stop yourself and never doing it again considering that some boys who are molested/ raped turn out to be the pedophile themselves well into adulthood, probably until the day they died. You STOPPED yourself all on your own. Do you know how major that is? Thank God you stopped at such a young age, because if you didnt, you would be considered an abuser if this were any age after 21 years old. I know your thoughts and urgers tortured you, but you made yourself have self restraint.

What you went through by your own grandfather was NOT your fault and that is the most important now, which is what you suffered by his actions. Although, your grandfather probably was abused himself, but your abuse that you suffered with as a child is what you need to be most concerned with healing about. You need to find a counciler that will help you heal the trauma that was inflicted onto YOU by your own grandfaher.

One more thing, the kids who you abused at the time, have grown now, and with all the knowlege that is out there now, they will learn that it was not in your control because you were still young yourself and that is your saving grace and they will forigve you and if not, there is nothing you can do except know people out there that exist, such as myself, that understand and forgive you. 18 years old looks old when we are kids, but when we are adults we know that 18 years old is still a baby. Go live the rest of your life in peace. Its time now.

 

[Bubblegirl]

Thank you so much for your post. I have been in therapy and getting much better with coming to terms with being sexually abused by my mother's brother from age 4-12 (I am now 46, have been in therapy for 3 years). I was searching the posts for someone who could help me because I just last week began to have flashbacks about things I did to to other children as well. I am undone, and it is all very new to me, and I cannot see how I can live with myself. I understand cognitively that I was a child who simply did what was done to me, and I did stop when I was about 12, but the guilt and shame are crushing the life out of me. I had been doing so well, and now the nightmares have started all over again, just with a different theme.
My therapist says I cannot label myself a monster, but I don't know how not to.

 

[Lucycat]

You have to learn to love yourself.

That is very difficult when you believe yourself to be a monster, but how would you talk to another child of the same age who had been through and done the same things? With love and compassion I am sure.

Look after yourself. Be kind to yourself. Tell yourself all about the good things you have done. Pampering yourself can be as simple as 'allowing' yourself time to read a book or magazine.

Never talk to -or about- yourself in any way other than that which you would to that small child who was once you.

 

[therapybankrupt]

You are not alone with any of it. Children suffer abuse and often share what they are taught. Try to forgive yourself it is not your fault.!

 

[rightkindofme]

I have a not-dissimilar background. In my opinion and judgment I victimized a few dozen kids before I was an adult. I didn't know any better. I was doing what I was taught. :(

I have gone back and apologized to some of them. They understand and don't hate me. Even the boy who I publicly humiliated because he told people I raped him and I called his mother and said he was a liar. :( The rape occurred when we were five and I called his mom when we were twelve. When we hit thirty I sent him an email apologizing. He said he understands and I didn't wreck his life and he forgives me.

I still feel bad. I feel bad about all the people I haven't talked to since.

I can only move forward and do better.