I Watched A Blackhawk For Several Minutes W/o Flashback

[thedude]

I heard the chopper (blackhawk) flying over my building forced myself outside and stared at it till it flew out of visible range for several minutes and tried to analyze what I was feeling . I couldn't put myself on a bird with the memorized flashback view which was good progress since I have been having vivid flashbacks for months without a significant break. I looked at the chopper in reference to all the objects in view and tried to not fixate on its meaning to me just its existence. Its only guys training, airshow stuff. RELAX The noise still bothers me but didn't make me have a vivid flashback. I'm not comfortable looking at the UH-60 but I can do it for longer now. Have to get used to it. Not going to go look at a real one up close yet but getting there.

My buddy just did a bunch of morale fundraising stuff at the local base with the old unit and I am a long ways from being able to do that without getting anxious but I'm happy with this so far.

I don't think its just cause I'm just numb. I hope that I have rewired some of the aerial traffic triggers(stored memories) to positive thoughts so I can regulate how I'm feeling around aviation.

I'm working on my support system so I can try to do exposure exercises with choppers and regain my focus when having to be around them. I've been cataloging how I feel when different types of aviation are around and turbine engines with military colors are the most reactive of all stimulus I see locally.

The note taking for the PTSD self help guide has helped me with situational awareness in discussing with my T's the appropriate response to stimulus. Civilian airfield=no war zone.

Choppers=training , training=No threat or immediate action required

Still lingering is possible reaction for chopper crash but tucked away as I have done what I can to prepare.

 

[Barberian]

Congrats on staying in control.

I know it can be difficult at times. I'm retired navy,and live in the flight path of the local base when they go to a NV training range. When I'm outside, I hear them usually returning to base. Hearing them brings back all kinds of memories and an occasional flashback or more often... fadeback (starts as remembering a memory, and slowly getting sucked into it and being completely absorbed into it, reliving it as my current reality).

When I hear the jets, I have to focus on what I'm thinking and keep control so I don't get sucked back into a fadeback. Acknowledge the jet, listen to it (something I have to do, make sure it sounds ok), then go on about my business as it's noise fades off into the distance.

Reading and re-reading your post many times, I recognized something. I don't need to listen to the sound of the jets anymore. It's not like I could do anything if they didn't sound right. I'm sure the pilot would have all the resources of the navy at his/her disposal to fix the problem. Me worrying is doing nothing, but causing me stress.

Your post has helped me, and given me a goal - to stop listening for anything wrong with the jets as they fly over, and just acknowledge them, and pay attention to my own thoughts. They are not my responsibility anymore. The torch has been passed.

 

[thedude]

Congrats on staying in control.

I know it can be difficult at times. I'm retired navy,and live in the flight path of the local base when they go to a NV training range. Me worrying is doing nothing, but causing me stress.

Your post has helped me, and given me a goal - to stop listening for anything wrong with the jets as they fly over, and just acknowledge them, and pay attention to my own thoughts. They are not my responsibility anymore. The torch has been passed.

Thanks Barberian,

I live near the approach to Boeing's main plant that also hosts a couple collections of warbirds and the db level has gone through the roof literally after Boeing finally got approval on their new engine. While it is civilian airfield CH-47, UH-60, and other military jets fly out of here now. I've committed to moving but its been a hurdle to dare myself to leave my comfort zone and get ready to leave. I have to imagine the future means more aviation traffic so I need to accustom myself to the stimulus but I have been conditioned from an early age for aircraft recognition. I did buy acreage in the boonies but turns out FA-18 guys felt the need to go supersonic in the valley out there occasionally so there is no place for me to get away sometimes.

My family was involved in military aviation before I was born and I've been cataloging information for aircraft since I was able to read so the images of aircraft have been at the base of my memories. Its very hard after twenty something years (5-25) of knowing nomenclature/specs for aircraft to switch to not being interested in them. After being part of a weapons system turning off the protocols when you recognize the scenario is not real is very hard once the chemicals prep.

I have had to switch to thinking of choppers in Search and Rescue mode no matter what they are so I don't start dissociating and adding extra stimulus to the equation. They did a plane crash scenario (bush pilot crash type) during my last medical class and I made it through without panicking but was still on edge. It was imaginary but I may have more trouble if it was a "chopper" scenario. I always try to remember I am doing something positive when it starts to hurt.

My T and I discussed the attitude of being prepped for the worst (chopper crashes/ people with guns) as a realistic thought but not statistically the greatest threat. Your right, its time to pass on the torch (old guy) and do the support thing for the young guys and girls and focus on my area of responsibility.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

((( Dude ))) That is such good news! What an achievement to be able to watch and stay in control. Well done! You are making such wonderful progress. Perspective is so very important. Keep looking at these things with 'soft eyes', you are doing so well and I am so proud of you! xxoo

 

[Froggie]

((((thedude)))) thanks for sharing this succes story, it greatly helps and gives some good pists to control the anxiety. You're on the path to empowerment :tup:

 

[The Albatross]

:tup: Good deal, congratulations!

 

[thedude]

Thanks((((( everyone)))). My job in the army was to observe and communicate to aircraft so it is almost impossible for me to not track stimulus. It was such a relief to have my body and brain agree to stop the flashbacks and finally go into a mellower depressed state so I could relax better.

I was a little worried about the number of chopper images I was viewing after consciously avoiding them for the last 15 years. I had done the same thing regarding Gothic Serpent and had forced myself to look in the last months after avoidance for twenty years because of guilt and rage. I was flashing back so hard from the forum and choppers overhead I felt I could go no lower and had already signed my contract to commit to treatment. One night I looked at 10-20 pages of military related chopper blogs & images to de-sensitise myself. In the past choppers meant the whole military experience activated but I am learning to restructure their status when the are in a civilian context. Just metal and some monkeys inside nothing else.

I almost didn't make it and thought I was going to the VA hospital. I have a hangup that he VA is not a safe place for me since they had an Angel of Death nurse working in my state killing vets. Last and only time I was in the VA emergency waiting room I had to listen to some green and low IQ female officer on the TV show cops talk about head shots when she had shit for experience. STFU. I hate FOX and their corporate sponsorship leave us alone. I'm not a shrink but it makes more sense to have Sesame Street on than some lady talking about shooting people in the head while I am rationalizing 2,000 people dying in a day. This forum and support kept me from having to knuckle under. I'll talk more about my medical experience with the army later. Thanks everyone.

I have decided that its going to be better to look at old choppers first (Davinci:D) and then the new ones. I'm hoping that tackling their sound and then their form will reprogram my response. I have been on a few different types and they have different meanings to me so I'm going to try to knock them down one at time so they hopefully all re-wire to my new mindset.

I haven't looked at military aviation books in a long time because they make me very sad now but I am going to force myself through it. I think about what all the aircraft have done to the ground. I have some pretty twisted B-52 carpet bombing scenes on playback from being a kid. The napalm strikes. One of my relatives was B-29 pilot. B-17's and B-25's still fly in the skies above me now.

One at a time. I'm going to re-fire and re-wire every memory. Everyones kind words now bond to the form of the chopper. Thanks so much.

Ben