I Wish I Came Upon This Site Years Ago...now I'm Praying It's Not To Late.

[NaeNae75]

I was diagnosed with PTSD years ago, and worked with my psychologist, but had never really sought out any further information until now. My fiance just broke up with me on Wednesday via email after 5.5 years together. This is the third time for him doing this. Each time he would tell me that he just wants to be alone,and doesn't think he will ever want to marry me. Each time he was suicidal and being treated for depression, and would come back and say that he was wrong, he loves me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He is back in the states after his 3rd deployment, but has not been medically released because of PTSD and suicidal idealizations. I mentioned to him the last time that he should be seen for possible PTSD. My father has a severe case and my sister and I both suffer as well. He told me he was afraid to go seek treatment because he was up for promotion and didn't want this hanging over his head and ruining his chances. Now that he has the promotion, he is being seen through the VA.

I just got done reading the intro to PTSD on this page, and had literally no idea how uneducated about everything I really am. I guess that because I thought my family was "managing" with regular therapy, that was all there was too it. SOOOOOO not the case! I didn't realize that I have not handled his nor my situation in a healthy manor. I'm completely disgusted by this. I had no clue how unsupportive I was being, even though I thought I was. I pray that it's not too late. I made the glaring incorrect assumption that since I have been living through all of this without any major life deficiencies, that it wasn't a big deal for him either.

I couldn't have been more wrong! Not only with dealing with him, but quite honestly myself as well. Reading some of the information explains SO MUCH! I had no idea! I feel like I've wasted 10 years of therapy on frivolous crapola! I can not wait to restart my therapy next week on hopefully a better platform to genuine healing. No wonder he thinks I'm screwed up too! He said we are both screwed up, but I'm a bully and he's a coward. Personally, I don't see truth to either statement....just exaggerations coming from his pain.

Please help!

Is there anything I can do or say to let him know that I realize what I have messed up too without pushing him further away by sounding clingy?

Clearly we both still need therapy, but he's the love of my life...even though we both need serious work on ourselves, I really don't want to lose him. He admits he loves me, but feels a deep need to be alone. I just want him to know that while he needs this time to himself, I'm here supporting him. How do I convey that?

Thank you in advance for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Bless you all!

 

[Changing4Best]

I don't know what to advise you, because if I were you, I would run and never look back.

You need to take care of you first. Then and only then can you think of helping him and yourself in the process.

I know you feel a great need to get back together with him, but that may be clouding your thinking and self preservation thoughts especially.

He has plainly stated that he wants to be alone. It is my opinion that you should let him do just that.

 

[NaeNae75]

I'm okay with being by myself, but it's hard on our kids too. We have been together so long, that they are very definitely involved. His son has never not known me to be in their lives, and for my children - well they are very attached to him as well.
The worst part for me is, that other than these times he isolates himself, he is very loving and affectionate to all of us. When he isolates, it's from everyone...even his parents.

 

[catlover26]

I am very new to this site as I only found it a few months ago. My experiences are somewhat limited with my Vet since we only see each other 2-3 times a week because he tends to want to isolate himself and have been together 1 1/2 yrs.

I can tell you this. Don't beat yourself up!! It is never too late. Sometimes for various reasons the timing was not right for you to find out what you might could have done differently.Everyone can look back on their life and say: "If I had only done this...." I tend to think that things happen at the right time and for a purpose. Whatever led you to this site happened at the right time for you to be open and understand more about him and yourself.

I am sure there are many more on here that have had more experience that can help you with your other questions. It will get better.

You are at the right 'place' doing the right 'thing'!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Please try to not beat yourself up too much!

PTSD really does run the gamut from "can function well" to "would be institutionalized if this was the year 1950". Symptoms really do vary from one person to another, and I'm sure you'll see this after reading through threads and getting to know other members.

What matters is that you are now willing to change things, with him and how you treat him, and with yourself. Yes, you both have your issues, but what matters most is that you're both seeking treatment. Hopefully he'll be willing to give the relationship one more go, too.

What can you do now? I would go with the open and honest route. (At this point you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.) Be truthful and tell him that you've been researching PTSD. Tell him that you didn't realize that people vary in their symptomology and the severity of the disorder. And you might even want to tell him about this forum, too.

If he insists that he still needs his space, then give it to him. Whatever you do, don't force him into anything because that will just make him run away even more.

 

[catlover26]

Yes, you need to take care of yourself first but I can understand when you love someone it is hard to let them go.

I have a very hard time with someone that says "Run and never look back".

I am 55 yrs old and I am sure much older than most of you. Not that that really makes a difference but In a sense it does. I have gone through a divorce after 30 yrs of marriage. A person learns a lot about themselves going through this hell.

I know that YOU have to decide what is best for you. When YOU have had enough and when the relationship has become too much for you to handle. No one on here knows your guy like you do.

 

[NaeNae75]

@cat lover- Thank you for the kind words! I suppose you're right, things are meant to happen when they do. I know things will get better....whether I try to stay or whether I go, but I'm not ready to throw in the towel because he has a problem...especially since I do too. Our relationship other than this is healthy. We both take each other's feelings into consideration always and show each other love regularly.

@itsKismet - your response really resonates with me. Honestly, it's something I may have written myself... Thank you for the reinforcement.

 

[NaeNae75]

Yes, you need to take care of yourself first but I can understand when you love someone it is hard to...

I'm 40 next week....so I'm not toooo far behind, lol! If he were abusive to me in any way, I wouldn't even consider trying to stay. My family has mixed feelings, but they tend to be profoundly selfish, so they aren't a whole lot of help. lol. He's an exceptional man....worth being vulnerable for. Thank you for your sweet demeanor.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums :)

It's pretty durn eye opening, huh? When I first got here, I think I spent the first 6mo going... FFS is this PTSD, too? :banghead: I thought it was just me. Okay. Well now abcdefg-qrstuvwxyz now makes some damn sense.

I have to disagree with SK. PTSD relationships are hard, but they can also be beautiful, and people do make them work. It's also a cyclic disorder, which is something I didn't know when I first got here. I went a good 10 years between major tail spins, and minor cycles so far off my radar they really don't matter -even still- to me. After 5.5 years, you've undoubtedly seen a lot of those cycles. Sometimes symptoms hit hard, sometimes they ease up. This disorder really does fluctuate a hell of a lot. Instead of beating yourself up for what you didn't know... You might consider it like this; even doing everything the hard way? You've still lasted more than 5 years.

SemperFi

 

[NaeNae75]

I suppose that part of what I'm thinking is that if it i

Welcome to the forums :)

It's pretty durn eye opening, huh? When I first got here, I think I spent...

I think for me, growing up with a father that was a combat engineer with MAJOR PTSD, I'm pretty used to it. I witnessed my parents get through it and they have 42 years together now. He was an abusive butthole back then....I would have probably left him, so kudos to my mom. He's being treated now and couldn't be a more awesome dad!
Now my darling, he has been in the af for like 23 years or so...and his "norm" couldn't be sweeter or more gentle. He is a wonderful man that has major commitment issues. Since I care more about him than a ring....I don't mind the occasional meltdown as long as he comes back at the end. I just feel bad for being such an inconsiderate ass. I was trying to get him to get his treatment transferred to the VA near us, but he didn't feel comfortable doing that. So, I pressured him at probably the worst possible time ever. I guess that for me dealing with my PTSD....I tend to have a fight rather than flight type of personality. I own a construction company, so I'm always a go go go kind of gal. I deal with my dysfunction by overachieving and being a workaholic. Some people aren't made the same...and I failed to realize that until today.
If he doesn't come back to me, what do I really have to lose by being compassionate and waiting? Some time? Well, since he's ruined me for anyone else by his winning demeanor, I guess I'm not losing anything. Even if all we end up being is friends, my life is better off with him in it.

 

[catlover26]

Welcome to the forums :)

It's pretty durn eye opening, huh? When I first got here, I think I spent...

My guy is 71 yeah quite the age difference!! LOL But when I first started reading the posts on here sh*t it all sounds the same no matter what their age is.

Some guys run off physically. My guy 'runs' off even though I am sitting in the same room with him. It is such an eye opener but 'refreshing' too to learn that so much of what he was doing makes some sense. The constant roller coaster ride of emotions. Get me off this thing!! I need a barf bag!! LOL

 

[NaeNae75]

Welcome to the forums :)

It's pretty durn eye opening, huh? When I first got here, I think I spent...

....also it sure the heck is eye opening! ...and yes, we had been making it the hard way! I really like that notion...gives me hope and promise that now that maybe I can remove my head from my buttocks...things may get better.

My guy is 71 yeah quite the age difference!! LOL But when I first started reading the posts on here...

You literally made me LOL! I know that my parents are in their mid 60's and although my dad is much better, there are still days I really feel bad for my mother....and me since he works for me since he retired! But at least I know to stay the heck out of his way!