I Wish She Understood Me More

[sarahts]

Just having a rant to let off some steam before my Doctors appointment so i can cope better. Sometimes i think my Partner sees me as a ''Drama queen'' or an irritation. But thats not what i try to be. I tried to explain how this time of year is (christmas) is really hard for me because thats when my trauma took place. She says she understands ect and , for a short time it seems like maby she has some understanding for my ''strange'' behaviour. But the fact is , Sometimes i cant stand to be touched (not nessasarily in a sexual way , howether that too) but i say hints like....im just gong to go for a work out , EG, i need to be alone , im upset im triggerd and i cant be arround you right now. Bus she always looks hurt and like im offending her. Certain types of touch dont go down with me , such as if someone touched my knife scar (even if accidently) that sets me off and i just want to be on my own. She knows sex is a difficult point for me , especially at christmas , yet i feel this overwhelming need that if i dont give it to her , shes going to be dis-pleased with me and i worry ill be abandond. I hate to ''loose'' people after my mum passed away so pleasing them seems safer to keep them close. I try and be affectionate , but to be frank sometimes i just want to sit on the sofa with her without the pressure to be all lovey dovey. When i give affection it never seem ''enough'' and she wants more......Its annoying , I want her to be happy , but right now i just cant be affectionate , it sends me into a panik , i dont think she fully understands.....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh irritating to say the verry least .

 

[sarahts]

she said to me ''why arnt you proud to walk downt the street with me , is it because were a Gay couple?'' . . . . . NO , i have a Gay pride star tattoo down my neck....trust me , im proud , but showing affection in public just feels unsafe , and i get very paranoid....did she understan? . . . i dont think so , she had a glazed look on her face and nodded her head. im going to shut up now.

 

[girlwithwings]

I am not sure if anyone except a survivor CAN understand. The best you can hope for ( well what I hope for) is someone who loves me enough that even though they don't understand can accept; and be willing to put aside how they feel about my feelings and just be there how I need them to be there and back off and not take it personal when I need them to just let me be. But heck, just finding someone who can sit with me while I cry is hard enough I hear... but Congrats to you for even getting into one, I have not for years even though young and apparently attractive because I would have to tell someone right away about my faulty nervous system and history and..I don't think it would last past that.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Hey sarahts
I'm openly gay as well. I came out when I was 15/16 years old (now 30) so I'm kinda used to it now. Actually, really used to it. I giggle when people say 'I don't know anyone gay' because they do. Statistics alone show that. Perhaps they're just not aware that certain people in their lives are, in fact, gay. It's not all that uncommon if you ask me.

I kinda feel similar when it comes to showing affection in public. I think if I were straight I'd probably still feel a bit uncomfortable or maybe rude being all over my partner in public. It's just a bit inappropriate or something to me. I'd probably feel the same regardless of being gay or straight. Sometimes people don't realise that sexuality isn't actually the issue. I'm getting much better at it though. My current partner and I will hold hands, lightly kiss, be affectionate, etc in public.

I kinda have a giggle now because we're both very feminine to look at and I look at the faces around us that read 'never would've picked those two for gay'. Stereotypes eh? A lot of people don't even know they've been convinced by them. Anyway, congrats on talking about your sexuality openly on the site. I'm afraid I can't offer too much insight on the rest except to say --- my partner and I have learned to be extremely patient with each. My last ex - *shakes head* - just had no idea how to handle sore spots. I guess a lot of it is about finding the person who can see the 'handle with care' signs at the right moments. I guess patience and understanding is called for from both sides in these kinds of situations. I wish you two the best.

 

[sarahts]

Thank you fro that reply :) , yes i think sometimes people expect gay / lesbians to be ''butch'' and that isnt always the case. . . I think being gay does somewhat effect me showing public affection because of a past violent experiance at a shop with my patner because we were being open and holding hands. since then the fear for me is ''whos looking at us , who is openly out to be homphobic'' but am slowly changing that fear so i can be me in public. It is lovely to hear about you and your partner and how you can show subtle affection in public , very dtrong , brave and most of all PROUD :) , sarah .

And thank you girlwithwings aswell , i think your right unless your partner is ''inside'' your head its hard for them to understand....very frustrating when stupid tiffs happen over it tho :( . . .

Thak you all

 

[Deleted member 5760]

That's awesome Sarah - hate crimes are exactly that : HATE crimes. I have personally endured a journey where I am now ~very proud~ to say that I am gay.

Why did someone attack you for being 'gay'? Not really sure except for maybe fear of difference/unknown. It's one of the reasons I've never hid my sexuality on this site. Basically, everyone on this site talks about their partners and relationships and etc etc. Why should I be excluded from that discussion by my own fear. I kinda refused to be that person outside of the group talking about universal things (we're not all that different folks).

Sounds kinda *oh bring in the violins* - but just be who you are and if someone has a problem with that - well it's kinda THEIR problem.

 

[sarahts]

Thank you :) , i agree and i think im proud , just dont want to be hurt again for that reason...but i feel comfy with it in here at least :) . But i know some very accepting people so thats good. thank you for your reply , it gives me strength , sarah

 

[AdamAnt]

I thought the internet was "don't ask, don't tell"....:)(dodges shoe....heheheee:)

 

[sarahts]

''throes shoe'' . . . joke :)