I truly feel broken in such a way that I have frozen aspects of myself in time. I feel like my core personality/essence adapts to the changes of life by assuming another 'personality shell' to help protect me depending on the circumstances. I've felt child parts who need love, angry parts who want to destroy, and fall to the bottom of their own self-destructive rage, parts who love to party, and care nothing of the consequences of their actions, parts that handle daily responsibilities, parts that study with school and work...all these people I become when I dissociate.
It's like it's a defense mechanism to protect me from the idea of realizing something as shocking as 'it's happening to me!!', and I don't know if it's some sort of delusion, but as I experience the 'shifting' I 'hear' the people speaking and carrying on the way that is unique to them, but engaging in situations in manners that I NEVER would, and I see myself usually on the ceiling or wall, if in a room, or when it's outside, like I'm standing behind the person, or at times I go 'inside' away from everything, only to 'come to' and feel like I had taken a nap, with virtually no recollection of what happened in my absence. I don't know WHAT this is....but I know when these people are with me, and out, I feel like there's a psychic shield, and I'm not hurt.
The odd thing is I feel so personally immature in a way? Like I have no experiences of things to call my own...everything feels so 'fresh' so 'new' and yet so 'familiar' and 'confusing'; it's as if I have all the good, idealistic, virtues, but no cons...I can't even express my anger on my own without having one of the 'others' do it for me...when it comes on, I feel it, and I feel 'dark'...evil...enraged, and like I want to kill everything around me...I'm scared, and scared more to be around other people like this, and freak out, but usually the violent sides only come out when I feel threatened
HOW can I HOPE to explain this situation to someone else, and hope that they will fall in love with me? A loose cannon, and an airhead party guy, a brain, an athlete...who am I?
