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General If You Don't Like The Responses...

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Nicolette

Supporter Admin
I feel the need to write this thread based on a lot of reactions I have received here over the years.

The problem with PTSD is it is a very selfish illness at times and some Carers become just that (a Carer) and cater to their Sufferers needs...or what they think are their needs.

To me the fundamental thing I see as problem is through this process Carers (more so women) actually end up pandering their partners to the point of enabling the illness....doing more harm than good.

It is important to remember when reading here that everyone has a common goal - to co-exist with their Sufferer in the best way possible. No-one intentionally says anything to hurt your feelings.

This all being said.........If you receive a response from another Carer and Sufferer and you don't like it you do have the right not to take it on board as it is only opinions. However, I do ask you to remember that some members speak from experience and while you may not like what you are hearing, they may be genuinely trying to help you so I suggest you question yourself as to what it is that you don't like. Sometimes it is may be that you don't want to hear what you know is the truth.

Personally I feel bad telling someone to get out of relationship as I am sure they went into it with the best intentions. I also know how lonely it can be being on your own but before you logout and walk away from the forum due to not liking the responses you have received....give yourself a chance to really digest what has been said rather than have a knee jerk reaction.

Not everyone is right but sometimes there is that chance that someone's good advice may help you change your life for the better.
 
Nicolette,
I found what you wrote in your post very true. When I came across this forum and started reading through the posts, the questions asked by others were similar to those in my own mind and I eagerly read the advice that was given. I thought that some of that advice was rather harsh and suggested almost being selfish, instead of understanding and supportive.
However the more I read about it, and then also considered the replies to my posts, the more I understood that you need to look after yourself before you can look after another person. And to help them be "normal" you need to treat them normally, without letting them get away with unacceptable behaviour using PTSD as an excuse. And you also need to take care of yourself - taking abuse will only make you resentful and drain your strength.
I'm sure others with more experience can add a lot more - this is just my two cents. However I know I was one of the people Nicolette writes about before, but I learned better!
 
I've been thinking about this thread off and on since yesterday. Personally, as I'm sure I said somewhere here, the honest truth is what is needed sometimes. I would never tell a sufferer to snap out of it but I do feel that sometimes a reality check, kind of a firm "snap out of it" is what I need. That little slap in the face, so to speak, can sometimes let me see something with a new perspective. That I need to snap out of it. And that is just me, not an expectation of others.

Sometimes I, as I'm sure others also do, cycle down and can't see the Forrest for the trees. Sometimes I just need to step away for a while. Try to get that fresh perspective.

But hopefully, most can see that the gentile slap in the face is the same hand that is trying to help you get up again. Trying to help you see what is really in front of you.

Thanks to all those that have helped me here.
 
However the more I read about it, and then also considered the replies to my posts, the more I understood that you need to look after yourself before you can look after another person. And to help them be "normal" you need to treat them normally, without letting them get away with unacceptable behaviour using PTSD as an excuse. And you also need to take care of yourself - taking abuse will only make you resentful and drain your strength.

Well said Sunshineball. I am glad you have come to this fundamental understanding. You should be proud of yourself as some people struggle realising this and call it love. Well done!
 
Trying to help you see what is really in front of you.

In all honesty ISupportHer.... this is where I come from with every post I make in this section.

It's nice having you here too as not many males are as emotionally brave as you are. :thumbs-up
 
When I first joined I had a knee jerk reaction and wanted to leave the forum. Obviously, the opinion triggered me, but I decided to give the forum another chance after taking a week off and thinking things through and I'm glad I did because I've found this forum to be a real life saver.

At first I think there is a chance that most people (including myself) want to be accepted right off the bat, and I was hit real hard the first week of joining by a moderator. Entering a new place seems to be where most people tend to get real upset, and leave if they are not patted on the back.

I don't see anything wrong with sugar coating every one at first, but after they have been here awhile I believe that being honest is the only way to bring them out of denial. While sugar coating things only keeps people sick and in victim mode.

For me, and I'm not kidding. I "expect" people to be brutally honest with me. I don't want anyone sugar coating any of my behavior problems. If I'm blaming something or someone else due to my own denial, while other members can clearly see that's what I'm doing, but choose not to tell me, then I won't change.

With that said, I hope that everyone here feels comfortable enough to tell me like it is. It might trigger me or make me mad but I will get over it.

Thanks
Tammy
 
I am a firm believer that the truth often hurts....especially when dealing with self assessment/development.

It is interesting to listen to how others see you versus what you have convinced yourself in your mind. :rolleyes: What you think about yourself or your situation is ultimately what is important but I mean if someone is telling you that you keep getting into abusive relationships where you have convinced yourself that there are all these excuses for what is happening...it helps avoid facing the truth. As in this situation, if you take on board what was said, it would then give you some responsibility/accountability if it continued and you did nothing about it. That then leads to required self assessment which the 'excuses' avoided.
 
I am a firm believer that the truth often hurts....especially when dealing with self assessment/development.
Part of our defense systems keep us in the blaming or self-denial, and the quality a site like this can bring is people with experience, "been there, done that", saying what they see, it's not always the absolute truth for me, but where would I get a better reality check?
 
"been there, done that", saying what they see, it's not always the absolute truth for me,

I agree with you Freddy... Don't get me wrong. Just because someone points out an issue with me or my behavior doesn't mean I take it as the gospel truth.

I will listen to it, assess it, and run it past my husband, best friend and therapist before I make a final decision.

Tammy
 
I think Seeking Nirvana brings up a point. The first few posts here you (meaning all of us) are kind of vulnerable. I am in no way saying not to say things to them that are needed to be said but........
Perhaps a realization of that vulnerability in how you respond can be important in order not to hurt feelings right off the bat. Maybe just remember to re-read your response not only for spelling, etc. but from the point of view of the intended receiver. You know, saying to yourself, is that person ready for this? Hard to judge, I know. But someones initial intro may be handled best by listening and support unless there is a safety issue.

Then let 'em have it.

OK, just kidding. I mean then lead into pointing out the things that may be obvious as unhealthy behaviors or responses.

OK, I'm playing devil's advocate. My wife hates it when I do that. :stupid:
So many aspects of this topic that I keep thinking of. I am still fairly new here, I'll point out.

And please realize that this an encouragement to help others, not an indictment of how anyone does it. I am in no way saying people hurt others on purpose here. Just opening discussion.
 
Perhaps a realization of that vulnerability in how you respond can be important in order not to hurt feelings right off the bat.

While I see your point ISupportHer I will play devil's advocate back at you and say this....What happens if you go and see a therapist and the first time they are really polite and they don't hurt any of your feelings and then go a second time and they, while still being polite, say things you don't like? I would be tempted to suggest that it would be likely for someone to have a knee jerk reaction if not ready to deal with their trauma/situation. My therapist says he may tell me things I may not like, he may say things which are wrong from my point of view but as it is a relationship I need to stand up and set him straight if that is the case. He said he will push me as I have told him I want to deal with my trauma. So, if someone comes here asking for help and the only help I can give is tell them the truth as I see it should I leave it for another time until they are more settled (how do I gauge that over the internet) or will the opportunity be lost forever? :think:
 
Point Well Taken

Nicolette,

Your opinions really do mean a lot to me. I do feel I understand what you are saying. Even from the first post on. And I, hopefully, get the impression that you realize this is not an attack but just discussion. (Again, my fighting the walking on eggshells feeling, LOL)

I just guess I was also saying that an opportunity to help may be lost forever if someone runs from this great place if he or she has a bad first experience. Just a thought I had. Depends on the space the receiver is in at the time, I guess. Or at least partly that. What one person perceives as an attack, another sees as what it is intended. An attempt to help.

So, we are back to what you first posted, right?:smile:

Anyway, my sincere thanks for this thread!
 
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