If You Need To Go To The Hospital...

[amethist]

Could you go and see your friend and have the conversation face to face.

Which ever way you do it, please do it soon.

Oh and dont forget the earrings for you and your daughter. :hug:

 

[catjudo]

I called my friend this morning with every intention of asking her to get together sometime today because I needed to talk to her. But I could hear all of the hectic chaos in the background and just couldn't bring myself to ask if I could dump something else on her. I chickened out.

This is probably all just a stupid conversation. I just need to keep on keeping myself safe. Some days I feel like I have no fight left in me, but that's not really an option. If I have this much trouble asking someone to help take care of my daughter while I might go into a hospital, how could I consider ending my life and leaving that same friend to take care of my daughter for the rest of her life? Not fair to my friend or my daughter.

I'm tired of fighting but I don't really have any other choice that I can feel at peace with. Thank you all for your thoughtful, kind and caring responses. I'm sorry to waste everyone's time and effort as I'm just trying to get things sorted out in my head...trying to make myself feel like I have options but in reality I don't. I just can't let myself fall apart so completely, it's just not an option for me.

 

[chw52]

Catjudo

Please know that my time has not been wasted. So please make sure you remain safe.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Catjudo))) I care and my time was not wasted either. I am a caregiver for my husband. I am it for him. He only has me. I cannot afford to fall apart either so I can sort of relate to what you are saying. On my bad days I keep telling myself I cannot fail. And amazingly I do not fail. I manage to get the things so hard done. Thinking of you. Hugs and prayers if that is ok.

 

[Britt.f7]

Catjudo, my boys were 16 and 13 earlier last year when I began having a major depressive episode and SI. I am fortunate that I have a husband who understands, but my boys did begin asking him what was wrong with mom and is she okay. I knew my boys would be in good hands should I have to go in, but I was still very concerned. I didn't want them to be scared, or worried, or think their mom had gone off the deep end. My husband had became so concerned he is the one who called my doctor who recommended I go into emergency. Instead I chose a hospital that had once helped me with PTSD that was in a different location. It was a very interesting experience to say the least. I think the next time I will go to a local hospital. Though they did help me.

I think children can tell if you are being deceptive, even if you think it is for their own protection. I have always been age appropriate with my boys over the years regarding my mental illness. I don't think I was quite ready for what happened last year. I was more concerned about how others would treat them at school if I went in. As it was, my kids mainly talked to my husband about what was happening. They even came to visit me, which I thought was very brave of them and did not get scared by the people around them. It was, overall, a fairly mild group though we did have some addicts coming down off of stuff as well as people that were depressed and suicidal.

I hope you have talked to your friend. Even if your daughter hasn't talked to you about it, even if you feel you do a great job of hiding things, kids pick up on stuff. She may not understand right now what is going on but I believe on one level she knows something is just not right.

If you can not help yourself for yourself, help yourself for your child. That was what made me finally go in. It was the most difficult thing I had to do, but I am glad I did it. I really wish you strength to get through this. It sounds like you know what you need to do.

 

[safenow]

Catjudo, if I may come in here. Even though at the moment you called her all was chaos, that doesn't mean she wouldn't come. You need to trust that right now you need a friend to talk to about the important stuff. Once you feel safe for your child, you can calm down a lot. That will help you too.

This is you helping you and her. Allow yourself this grace to be helped. You can do this.

safenow.

 

[catjudo]

I think children can tell if you are being deceptive, even if you think it is for their own protection. I have always been age appropriate with my boys over the years regarding my mental illness.

I have made an effort to be age appropriate yet honest with her about both mine and her dad's mental health issues. She has showed some beginning signs of a possible mood disorder, so we've used our experiences to make her feel so not alone and to help her feel like whatever she is feeling is okay and she can always come to us for help. At the same time, it makes me very careful to not discuss the very worst of my symptoms (or her father's) because I don't want her to feel like that, too, is her fate.

Different but similar...her dad has diabetes. She recently checked a book out from the school library about diabetes. After reading it she was terrified that she, too, had diabetes because she had some of the symptoms on the list. I took the time to explain to her that having some symptoms doesn't mean she had the disease and explained how the things she was noticing were really okay, healthy things in a kid and would only be reason for concern if she actually had more or all of the symptoms. I also told her that if she was still worried about it, the next time she went to the pediatrician she could ask him to run a test so that he could prove to her that she was okay.

She knows in a very simplistic way about some of my symptoms and that sometimes they are worse than others. But I'm not really comfortable explaining things to her with any more depth or detail because I don't want to cause her any concern as to her own health or future (she is a natural worrier and queen of the what-ifs...I have no idea where she could have gotten that from {sarcasm}).

Even though at the moment you called her all was chaos, that doesn't mean she wouldn't come.

I did very casually bring up the idea of getting together today but with everything going on in her day she wasn't really feeling up for it. I do know that if I had said I needed to get together today because I needed to talk to her, she would have instantly said yes and made it work. But there is some part of me that just doesn't feel like I deserve to inconvenience her day, week or life just because I'm having a tough time right now. I know it doesn't make sense. I know it is stupid. I know my friend would probably be upset if she knew that I needed her but couldn't bring myself to let her know. But I can't do it.

 

[amethist]

If your friend is like me, she would drop everything if she knew you needed her. Plus she would be upset if she thought you could not seek her help at anytime.

So go on make that call to her. The sooner you talk to her, the sooner one of your problems will be put in its cupboard.

 

[safenow]

I agree with Amethist.

Go call.

 

[Britt.f7]

She has showed some beginning signs of a possible mood disorder, so we've used our experiences to make her feel so not alone and to help her feel like whatever she is feeling is okay and she can always come to us for help.

One time, when my boys were younger, we were having dinner together. My husband, my sons, and myself. I kept tearing up. I apologized and said it was nothing none of them did. My oldest son piped up and said, "sometimes it just happens, right mom? no reason." I was so happy, in a sense, that he understood beyond his age. Then my husband made some light hearted comment about what my son said, and I wanted to kick him hard under the table. You see, this is the son who keeps most things to himself. For him to even open up is an amazing feat.

He is now 17(well, will be in a couple weeks). Over the years from my observations, and even some of his more perceptive teachers, I have noticed he picks up on what others are feeling, even if he doesn't quite understand it. He tends to internalize this. I have tried to help him understand this over the years. He does suffer from depression and tends to think less of himself. I hate this, especially since I've tried hard since the day he was born to make sure he had a sense of worth. And, yes, I do take the blame. I wish he could see what I see. He is an amazingly sensitive man.

What you are doing with your daughter is wonderful. I can tell you my mother had no clue what to do with me and felt she just needed to make me tougher. We didn't talk about any of the trauma that happened. I think she was of the belief that if we didn't talk about it it would make it better. It didn't.

But there is some part of me that just doesn't feel like I deserve to inconvenience her day, week or life just because I'm having a tough time right now

The thing is, though I have had friends who have thought this about "bothering" me, I have wanted them to. It gave me focus outside of myself and it was much needed. Your friend may need this. If she can not help you at this time, I'm sure she will tell you. We all need to feel needed, even in our own chaos.

I hope you reach out.

 

[catjudo]

I hate to speak too soon or jinx anything, but my mood is actually a little lighter today and I can feel a small glimmer of hope. I started a new medication about a month ago. There have been a couple of dosage increases, but my doc was trying to keep it very slow. He has just kept urging me to hang on (while acknowledging how easy it is to feel hopeless) and reminding me that as we got to the right dose he really felt like things would improve. Despite my best efforts I couldn't get him to promise because he won't make a false promise and he knows there are no guarantees.

Two days ago, the day I started this thread, my doc increased my dose yet again (I am at a therapeutic but not at a high dose, I'm very sensitive to side effects so we started very low and have moved up very slowly). This morning I woke up feeling like I could leave the house. Ultimately we're striving for more than that, but it's a start and I'll take it.

I actually showered today (I'll admit it had probably been a week since my last shower). Took my daughter to her tennis lesson. Took my daughter to Wal-Mart (my most hated of all stores that I avoid at all cost even when I'm feeling my best)...there is something she has been wanting/needing for a couple of weeks and this was the only place we could get it without paying twice as much money for it (sometimes I'm willing to do that just to avoid that store but for this item we were talking about $50 vs almost $100 at any other store and since I haven't been working for several weeks, I couldn't afford to just throw that much money away). I went to Wal-Mart, got what she needed, looked around at a couple of other things she was interested in since we were already there and I survived the whole trip. We came home to let me chill and get pulled back together for awhile, then we went grocery shopping. I was a lot more edgy by the time this was done but as pathetic as it sounds this was A LOT for me to accomplish all in one day given my recent history.

We're getting to the end of the day and I don't feel great. I did crash earlier and take a long nap. But I am proud of what I did accomplish today. It does give me a little hope that things will start to improve.

I'm caught between being realistic with myself and not allowing false hope...reminding myself that just because today was a reasonably good day doesn't mean that I'm out of the woods. I know that seems negative, but if I'm not realistic and it happens, I think it is a harder blow to take.

There is also the part of me that just wants to take the hope and run with it. Today was a much better day than I've had in weeks. I can logically link it to having increased my medication level just a couple of days ago. There is no reason to think that this isn't the beginning of finding my way out of this depression.

Thank you to all of you who have been following this thread and offering your opinions and support. It has meant a lot.

Hopefully today is just a small glimpse of better days to come.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hope for you many good days. You are a good person who deserves good.