Hi there,
I've been struggling with depression for a long time. Never been on medication, on the occasions, I am in the care of a therapist, it's always been the psychotherapy (where we talk to death, but the feel-better effect is never permanent) treatment.
I'm currently on my fourth therapist who diagnosed me recently with PTSD. I've tried reading up about this condition and realised my circumstances and symptoms seem to be fall under the subgroup of C-PTSD cos a lot of my anxiety and emotional reactions stem from my relationship with my hyper critical and controlling mother who vomitted her issues all over me cos she didn't know better.
I am only just learning to not cringe or object when someone uses "abuse" to describe what my mother did to me. I have problems accepting that it was abuse because I know she wasn't trying to deliberately hurt me, and even as I'm penning this, I don't know how to accept and acknowledge the lack of control over my circumstances then cos I've always been taught that weakness / not knowing / not being in control is shameful, and the admission of being weak / not knowing/ not being in control makes me less of a person.
It hurts every time I rehash this cos I know I need to get past this, but the child in me doesn't understand that I need to let go of the shame, and I need to stop trivialising of the childhood traumas cos when I do, it makes me feel that I'm the failure and the problem for not being well-adjusted, for being a freak, for being not good enough to rise above my circumstances.
I've been dating someone for 12 years. He's emotionless and the most practical person I've ever met. He's not supportive, not because he doesn't want to be, but cos he really cannot understand why I can't just "get over it". He tries, and when I get emotional and self-destructive, I feel like he retreats into his shell because he doesn't know what to say, or what to do, cos he has little or no concept of emotional pain. When I tell him that I need him to be there for me (and I mean emotionally), he interprets it as me needing his physical presence, and gets frustrated when I say he's not there cos in his mind, he's there, next to me, letting me cry, letting me rant. But I stay because he grounds me, and I know I can always count on his physical presence, even if he cannot be an emotional support for me.
My therapist and I are starting EMDR treatment tomorrow, and I know I want to do this, cos I don't want to live in the shadows of my past anymore. I don't want to give my mom any more power and any more time than I have already. She has taken 34 years of my life, even though I haven't seen her for the last 4. I want to get better, and since talking hasn't helped, I'm willing to try EMDR, even if it's just a sliver of a chance that it could give me a different life.
But I'm not immune to fear. I'm afraid that the treatment is going to end up making me worse. I'm afraid that it may trigger more pain than I'm already in. I'm afraid that I cannot deal with the pain it pulls up. I'm afraid I won't come out on the other side better, I'm afraid I won't even come out on the other side at all.
I needed to say that. I wanted to put it out there cos I don't know anyone else like me, at least not in my social circles. And I don't even know how to begin to explain who I am, what I feel to the people around me. I'm not ashamed of who I am, or least, I'm trying to get to that point of not being ashamed. But telling others is painful, not because of the shame, but because no one ever really understands. The kind ones pat me on the shoulder, or give me a hug and say, "You're gonna be fine," like they know it to be true when I cannot even see past today. Then the less kind ones ask me why I can't just get over it when "everyone has problems of their own".
Maybe this is my catharsis.
I've been struggling with depression for a long time. Never been on medication, on the occasions, I am in the care of a therapist, it's always been the psychotherapy (where we talk to death, but the feel-better effect is never permanent) treatment.
I'm currently on my fourth therapist who diagnosed me recently with PTSD. I've tried reading up about this condition and realised my circumstances and symptoms seem to be fall under the subgroup of C-PTSD cos a lot of my anxiety and emotional reactions stem from my relationship with my hyper critical and controlling mother who vomitted her issues all over me cos she didn't know better.
I am only just learning to not cringe or object when someone uses "abuse" to describe what my mother did to me. I have problems accepting that it was abuse because I know she wasn't trying to deliberately hurt me, and even as I'm penning this, I don't know how to accept and acknowledge the lack of control over my circumstances then cos I've always been taught that weakness / not knowing / not being in control is shameful, and the admission of being weak / not knowing/ not being in control makes me less of a person.
It hurts every time I rehash this cos I know I need to get past this, but the child in me doesn't understand that I need to let go of the shame, and I need to stop trivialising of the childhood traumas cos when I do, it makes me feel that I'm the failure and the problem for not being well-adjusted, for being a freak, for being not good enough to rise above my circumstances.
I've been dating someone for 12 years. He's emotionless and the most practical person I've ever met. He's not supportive, not because he doesn't want to be, but cos he really cannot understand why I can't just "get over it". He tries, and when I get emotional and self-destructive, I feel like he retreats into his shell because he doesn't know what to say, or what to do, cos he has little or no concept of emotional pain. When I tell him that I need him to be there for me (and I mean emotionally), he interprets it as me needing his physical presence, and gets frustrated when I say he's not there cos in his mind, he's there, next to me, letting me cry, letting me rant. But I stay because he grounds me, and I know I can always count on his physical presence, even if he cannot be an emotional support for me.
My therapist and I are starting EMDR treatment tomorrow, and I know I want to do this, cos I don't want to live in the shadows of my past anymore. I don't want to give my mom any more power and any more time than I have already. She has taken 34 years of my life, even though I haven't seen her for the last 4. I want to get better, and since talking hasn't helped, I'm willing to try EMDR, even if it's just a sliver of a chance that it could give me a different life.
But I'm not immune to fear. I'm afraid that the treatment is going to end up making me worse. I'm afraid that it may trigger more pain than I'm already in. I'm afraid that I cannot deal with the pain it pulls up. I'm afraid I won't come out on the other side better, I'm afraid I won't even come out on the other side at all.
I needed to say that. I wanted to put it out there cos I don't know anyone else like me, at least not in my social circles. And I don't even know how to begin to explain who I am, what I feel to the people around me. I'm not ashamed of who I am, or least, I'm trying to get to that point of not being ashamed. But telling others is painful, not because of the shame, but because no one ever really understands. The kind ones pat me on the shoulder, or give me a hug and say, "You're gonna be fine," like they know it to be true when I cannot even see past today. Then the less kind ones ask me why I can't just get over it when "everyone has problems of their own".
Maybe this is my catharsis.
