I'm Approved For Disability Pension, And I Feel Wretched.

[Keming]

A few days ago I found out that I'm approved to receive government disability payments, indefinitely. It has been a difficult process (I had lots of help). Several govt employees deliberately tried to sabotage the claim (like hanging up repeatedly, refusing to check their own records, refusing to communicate or send forms, delaying the process to make paperwork/claims expire, forms being mislaid, forms being altered, etc). Now it's done. I'm funded, irrevocably. I can pay rent, afford meds, feed myself, be eligible for funded retraining, etc.

And my response is, "Great. Now I can kill myself."

WTF, self? Pathetic and selfish, much? How many thousands of sufferers desperately need the kind of funding we just secured? But I feel bad for having it. For needing it. What have I done to deserve a free ride? The social worker pitched funding as sort of life-changing closure, but... i'm still me, and i still can't comprehend a future beyond lying on the train tracks and going to sleep forever. Why aren't I grateful? Happy?

I hate this.

 

[hodge]

I felt very similar when I got approved. It will get better. As my attorney said to me, "your job now is to take care of yourself and get as well as you can."

Did I want to go back in time to when I could do my career? Hell, yes! But I finally had to face the fact that I just couldn't do it anymore. At the end I was only able to work a few hours a week and even that was making me more ill. It was one of the most difficult things I've gone through (and I am including my traumas in that), but it did get better.

Hang in there. Now is your time to work on healing.

 

[ladee]

Possibly you are seeing it as the end instead of a new beginning.Possibly seeing as proof of being broken instead of a break to have time and resources to get healthy. You didn't break you, but you do get to work to heal.
I hope you start to see it as a new start.
Possibly write down each negative thought and put a positive one next to it. You don't have to believe it. But it might help you to see the possibilties.
Sometimes the really simple things ease us out of a bad head space.

 

[Canotia]

I did the same thing. When I received my award letter from the VA I was absolutely devastated. The worse part was I got what other's want and I didn't appreciate it. I was also declared permanent and totally disabled from PTSD at 42. So after a few days of crying I went on. Now, I have decided I am going to use it for what it is intended for. If they are giving it to me I better make the most of it. I take care of my family and I work hard at therapy. I now appreciate it. If I were to have to try to work I would be so sick all over again. I am doing better at looking at it as an opportunity to be better. Like, I am now being paid to get better and it is my job. So I can't let people down and I think of it as a responsiblity.

 

[Phantom Shadow]

A few days ago I found out that I'm approved to receive government disability payments, indefinitel...

Ok I am glad to see that you can get something for what happened to us. I have never filed for it until now. I turn 60 this month. I had never went for treatment until a year ago. I was told by my therapyist that I should file.but what I went thru was CIA based and off the books. I keep putting off filing because of that fact. Are there any secrets. I have wanted to be dead for more years than I can care to think off. An now with having to relive it all. I understand the feelings . I have decided to get Help from a group but not sure which one to use. Going to one tomorrow. That I did to my own kids and the drinking. So afraid I will starting again. Larry G.

 

[Friday]

A thing to keep in mind, too, is that good stress? Can fill the stress cup just like bad stress. Amazing-Fantastic-Brilliant news? Can react the exact same as Terrible-NoGood-VeryBad news.

If it wouldn't seem crazy to crash and burn after a big negative stressor? Also ain't crazy to crash and burn after a 'positive' stressor. Good news, new relationship, wedding, baby, new job, sudden funding. With the exact same response (suicidal despair, guilt, shame, et al.). That sudden high, followed by the crashing low. :wtf:

Same stuff helps fix it, though. Grounding. Exercise. Stress management. Self care. Etc.

I think of it as "gentling the landing" when I'm over the moon (or in theory should be).

***

 

[Knak]

A few days ago I found out that I'm approved to receive government disability payments, indefinitel...

I think it is related to grieving or something.

I use keeping manically busy to keep from thinking. I lost the use of my right hand due to arthritis and unsuccessful surgery and the left hand is bad but at least I didn't make it worse with surgery. I can't garden now, my biggest outlet, can't turn the doorknob or pick up my cats because of loss of strength.

I always depended on myself and was very strong so this is a blow. I can't do fine work either, like make jewelry or button buttons, or turn pages in a book.

The point is that by having too much free time I observe my bad situation and can't overlook my horrible relationship with my husband. It is so depressing I was hoping the end of the world was around the corner so I don't have to kill myself or get a divorce.

In my opinion, if you were continuously stressing about paying bills, frustrated with applying for disability, etc. it occupied your mind most of the time and also the adrenaline gave you a boost.

 

[ladee]

@Knak that makes perfect sense. Grief. You answered a question for me and hope it helps OP. Thank you!

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

"Great. Now I can kill myself."

Perhaps you are taking this news as a sign that your life is over, that there's nothing left? Not true. Many of us have gone on permanent disability only to improve and go back to work or college.

Disability is not the end of your world but rather the beginning of your healing process.

Now you have a serious job: healing. Make healing your full-time vocation for now.

 

[Keming]

grateful
also, crying. not *weeping*. crying.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

What are you grateful for, may I ask?

Stating it will help you feel better.

 

[Keming]

What are you grateful for, may I ask?

Stating it will help you feel better.

every time i try to process it, i end with a self hate statement. so for now, we'll settle for "grateful"

Don't stuff your feelings down or shove them to the side. Allow yourself to FEEL them.

If the feelings are accompanied by skewed thoughts, you can use CBT skills to battle them. Which will hopefully make you ultimately feel better.

This is not the end. This is you being told that you deserve support while you focus on healing.

and its thoughts like this that i am grateful for. a way to think ouside the singularity.

tried reading the letter outling all my wonderful new privileges and opportunities and broke. now i'm calmy remindg myself why crawling into a bottle didn't help last time. c'mon son. don't let hese nice people down. getting funding was supposed to end something but nothing ended. just more of this. i need something, we need plan. plan is a good word. Solid.

ah, bugger. Moderate nutjob today. no editing, that's the rule, son. need a place where we dont pretend.
Can my social worker help with generic plan for whatever is next? I don't use her much.