I'm Approved For Disability Pension, And I Feel Wretched.

[BuckarooBanzai]

every time i try to process it, i end with a self hate statement

Try Thought Stoppage. You can google it up, it's a well-known (and remarkably effective) technique.

 

[shimmerz]

Not sure where you are in Canada, but I know the Ontario disability system was a horror to get through. It is demeaning, degrading, the people that one has to deal with are super at humiliation tactics and so on.

At the end of all of that I wanted to shoot myself in the head. I felt so defeated mentally, emotionally etc. I also had a bit of a thing with knowing that something that was so difficult to get through (the disability process) was actually telling me that I was disabled for life. Like.For.Life. That was a jagged pill to swallow.

I think there is a ton of value in the posts above. You fought hard and you are now in a more secure place. That is no small feat. I don't know that being proud of yourself is the immediate step from here but perhaps you will let that come. For the time being though, if you can, just try to decompress a bit. It was not an easy process you just went through.

And although you may not be able to take this in yet, congratulations.

 

[hodge]

Grieving is a huge part of it, as @Knak said. And for very good reason: I lost my ability to support myself, and along with it doing the kinds of things that gave me a lot of my self-esteem. I still grieve. Whenever it comes up in therapy, I still cry, and I've been on disability for eight years.

Allow yourself to grieve and keep yourself open to other things. Shortly after doing an art therapy exercise in outpatient hospitalization, I started painting at the age of 45 after never having any inclination toward doing visual arts in my life. I've since had my work displayed in galleries. You never know what will come out. For you it may be something completely different, but don't be surprised if your soul comes up with something in lieu of your career. I pray that for you.

Most of all, as others keep saying, this is the time for you to focus on your healing. :hug:s

 

[Keming]

Not sure where you are in Canada, but I know the Ontario disability system was a horror to get through...

appreciate the sympathy and support.

i'm out west. one of the problems was a ministry rep that would call and browbeat me into submission by endlessly repeating what she wanted to hear, and redirecting/abusing/cajoling me until i said something she could interpret for her purpose. When my buddy realized what was happening we got him listed as my... rep? something, so he could talk on my behalf. It took ages. My buddy did a lot of work for me. He's relentless.

will heed your counsel. will endure. will check though stopping. will report in w/ news or changes. again: grateful.

 

[shimmerz]

my buddy realized what was happening we got him listed as my... rep? something, so he could talk on my behalf. It took ages. My buddy did a lot of work for me. He's relentless.

I had a couple of people like this as well. I just couldn't cope. I was so very blessed to have them. I am very happy you had someone as well.

Best of luck to you my friend.

 

[Knak]

Grieving is a huge part of it, as @Knak said. And for very good reason: I lost my abilit...

congratulations on your surprising new gift and success. I have always leaned toward creative arts and building, inventing, keeping physically busy. I like my creations and do it for me.

 

[I_will_recover]

Disability is not the end of your world but rather the beginning of your healing process.

I was approved yesterday. I spent so much time assuming I would never get it that when the letter showed up I was stunned and numb. What I do now is a mystery to me. What I don't do now is continue to worry about my finances. I know for a fact I will return to work at some point in time. I'm young enough that I don't want to spend my entire life on disability.

I've "earned" time to take care or myself and so have you.

 

[I_will_recover]

Also, I'm grateful that if I don't take care of myself I can start over tomorrow. Maybe you can apply that to yourself...? :oops:

 

[Stickler]

The system could have and should have protected you in the first place and did not.
You're receiving a well-deserved reimbursement for the damages that it caused.
Good!
...Here's hoping you can parlay this into a really good life for yourself.