I'm Being Dragged Down With Him

[ms spock]

But it's all paying off; there have been no fights and that would be worse. Only one put down from him, said in total calm, saying "I'm doing nothing anyway" when I mention volueering again. Schools on vacation I tell him...

I'm doing nothing apparently.

I would think about this comment and put it back to something like his parents would say. You are very brave @Ayesha - you are managing both Bipolar and PTSD. You had a horrendous childhood. You are learning skills which are out of your husband's realm at this time. You are learning to emotionally regulate, exercise, manage your sleep, use your intellect, how to do self love and self care, how to be assertive, how to stand your ground etc etc.

There are always deeper reasons why we are with the ones we love, perhaps on a deep level your husband saw how brave you were and what a journey you were about to go on. He can be a good supporter at times, but also he gets a lot from you. He will get courage and support from you in the long run. So there are much deeper things happening here than just you and him and your relationship. It is a man looking outside the enforced gender rules of his family and culture. Some times it easier to break cultural stuff in your own culture because when you move to another country it becomes self reinforcing.

You are learning to manage stress and anxiety - it sucks - but it is also great practice for when you go out into the world.

And you are learning compassion for your husband's heart that is scared of losing you as you grow and change. I can understand his fears of losing you so much.

 

[ms spock]

This I agree with. He's terrible at self care. Terrible at 'allowing' himself time off. Almost 7 years with him and I swear it's like he feels he's not allowed it..

So that is an important insight, perhaps he will find it hard to accept it in you, if keeping himself safe was not to do it, so he might find it hard for you to have it - warding off criticism and punishment from his parents and family.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Another fight and then we just talked. Not sure how helpful it was but we are very civil with each other again. It was interesting how in the middle of the fight we went from fighting to just talking and then sitting in leather armchairs just talking with me trying to interact, trying to be his friend. I'm not against him.

He is showing signs of depression, stress, anxiety but hes waving off the depression because it's not as bad as my depression from the past. I noticed lots of rumination with him.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

There is an appointment next week on Saturday so we can see my therapist jointly. Refuses to go.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

People really hate it when others change.

Often accuses me of this. As I get closer to 30 of course I will change...

 

[Tanishq]

Refuses to go.

Did you ask him why he is refusing?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Tanishq Don't really want to have an argument with him.

 

[Tanishq]

@Ayesha fair enough. I understand that.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

We are having joint sessions now. He is a bit difficult during them. Also, naive. Therapist correcting him many times during the session about his thinking.

He still wont touch me. That includes hugging, holding hands and kissing. I never realized how important any sort of human contact was until no human was no longer touching me. I am still confused over why he wont even touch me; hopefully my therapist can help with that this weekend.

It gets lonely in my world but I think I have some coping methods and makes the stress more bearable.

 

[Friday]

So glad to hear he's coming to the appointments!

In the meantime, something that helps me stay a little more centered when I'm not able to be in as much physical contact with people as I need is massage. That one is one of the best. Also sparring, and -although it's not technically "people"- gymnastics, swimming, & horseback riding. Don't know why horses fill a need better than dogs/cats/etc... But there really is just 'something about the outside of a horse good for the inside of a man'. Oh. Also other people's babies. LOL especially when they're sleeping. Lugging an infant around for a few hours gives friends arms a break, my arms a workout, and my human-contact-bank a rather hefty deposit!

Don't know if any of the above might be useful to you, esp. as people have different stressors. I'm a super sensory kind of person, human contact really is a need for me, so I've had to find substitutes over the years when I'm on my own or my partner is being a twat. Not all of the above fill that need, but all take the edge off enough that I'm not... Overreacting is the wrong word, touchy+cranky+desperate+frustrated+craving+hurt = prone to making less than ideal decisions. Also, just referring to me & my own patterns, not saying it's what you do or are doing. But since my life is most often best served as a warning to others ;), if you find yourself getting touchy+cranky+desperate etc... Find a good substitute or three to take the edge off while you work on the base problem, instead of making less than ideal decisions!

Again... Good news he's coming to therapy! Having that impartial 3rd can just be so helpful. Even if it's only for the "sanity check" / it's not just me, right? Is it? Even better when real change can be affected!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

He's saying he wants a divorce.

 

[ms spock]

So is this a final thing? Or is it part of an ongoing long discussion that is really saying he doesn't want to be how he is in this relationship at this time?

Do you think that now you are better that it means his stuff is coming up so he needs to create another drama to put his stuff back down again?

Feeling for you @Ayesha.