During a very intense transition in my life (son moving out summer prior to freshman college year, me moving away for law school, everything in storage and temporarily living with a friend) I go online dating and "choose" to involve myself with a person who, although is not available for a relationship, has been very sensitive, kind, attentive, funny.
A part of me came alive that I thought had died (after raising my adopted son with Reactive Attachment Disorder and from which my CPTSD surfaced and was diagnosed). This other person returned to a previous relationship with a third person she was in love with (I knew this) and I was totally and completely devastated.
Because of the severity of the emotional pain, I was eventually convinced this was old pain and I was forced to look at my tendencies to #1-go after people unavailable, #2-be totally willing to be there for another person but completely abandon myself. Even when I'm meditating I fight off these intense feelings of sadness surrounding the rejection I feel and the worthlessness I tend to feel about not being wanted.
I've since communicated with the person I've developed feelings for (I honestly do question what these feelings actually are as we were only involved for two months at most). By the same token, I struggle to NOT minimize how deeply I DO feel about her and the INTENSE sadness surrounding never seeing her again. She lives 3 hours away (so much for accessible love lol) and realistically, this affair of my heart is over.
I find myself, when thinking of her, so wishing to see her again, to view this as a strong distraction. The truth is, I still have no full time job, therefore, unable to move out on my own but have to move out of my temporary situation Dec 1st. I battle with worthiness. Unwanted, nothing to give, nothing to offer. And yet, this realization is forming that I must become my own focus (not self-centered or selfish) and no longer abandon ME. I can't even imagine what that would be like! Imagine having MYSELF in my life! I thought I was lost. Maybe I'm finding myself instead. Reminds me of "Amazing Grace". Thanks for being here.
A part of me came alive that I thought had died (after raising my adopted son with Reactive Attachment Disorder and from which my CPTSD surfaced and was diagnosed). This other person returned to a previous relationship with a third person she was in love with (I knew this) and I was totally and completely devastated.
Because of the severity of the emotional pain, I was eventually convinced this was old pain and I was forced to look at my tendencies to #1-go after people unavailable, #2-be totally willing to be there for another person but completely abandon myself. Even when I'm meditating I fight off these intense feelings of sadness surrounding the rejection I feel and the worthlessness I tend to feel about not being wanted.
I've since communicated with the person I've developed feelings for (I honestly do question what these feelings actually are as we were only involved for two months at most). By the same token, I struggle to NOT minimize how deeply I DO feel about her and the INTENSE sadness surrounding never seeing her again. She lives 3 hours away (so much for accessible love lol) and realistically, this affair of my heart is over.
I find myself, when thinking of her, so wishing to see her again, to view this as a strong distraction. The truth is, I still have no full time job, therefore, unable to move out on my own but have to move out of my temporary situation Dec 1st. I battle with worthiness. Unwanted, nothing to give, nothing to offer. And yet, this realization is forming that I must become my own focus (not self-centered or selfish) and no longer abandon ME. I can't even imagine what that would be like! Imagine having MYSELF in my life! I thought I was lost. Maybe I'm finding myself instead. Reminds me of "Amazing Grace". Thanks for being here.
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