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Feelings of utter worthlessness


Well, the title kinda sums it up, but anyways:
I’m really, really struggling with this right now. I know it’s pretty much a core symptom of depression, this feeling like a total waste of space / a bad, rotten person, but still it floors me. It feels so real, so obvious. I AM worthless.

How do you manage this shit?
From my list when I feel awful.

~ Remember the voice in your head is lying to you. Old mean man, Wizard of Oz
~ Drop the story, go to the body.
~ Long slow deep breaths into belly
~ Put on Perfume / Incense / Oils.
~ Change of scene - go somewhere else, can maybe get you our of your headspace
~ Go outside. Look at nature in great detail. Watch the clouds trees sunset
~ Listen to music, audio books, dance

Sorry you're feeling worthless 🫂
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I AM worthless.

How do you manage this shit?
Stop being worthless.

I’m old, fat, broken, useless. Killing myself? Would make EVERYONE’S life better, who is in my life.

A year from now? 20 years from now? I could be badass & amazing.

But right NOW? I’m better off dead.

I haven’t killed myself, yet, during one of these periods where I’m worthless (or worse), because I know -intellectually- that now isn’t forever. Unless I die, now. THEN? Yep! I’m a f*cking plague, who thank-f*cking-god got killed off. But a year from now? Or 20? Are people I’ve met, people I’ve loved, things I’ve done… that make these low times worth fighting through.

Or not.

But so far? I have. And am still trying to.
Hello Freemartin 👋
What I am going to say please read it slowly okay here I go!
First you are not repeating NOT worthless? Why because you talking to us? People who talk about what they are dealing with means that you have something to say which can help all of us. The people that are worthless don't care don't talk they hide. When you write down words on a post you bring out things that matter to you. You show us your soul. You ask us to see you soon we show our soul. A useless one does not share. Take a walk way out into a field and yell at the top of your lungs I'm not useless I'm a real person who can lead a group. Be a great person hold your head high. Those voices in your head are just want a be. Name each voice, what do you get from it, how do you feel to get rid of that voice? By showing us you bring great joy to us and strengthen to our group.

Walk tall smil at them I believe in you Freemartin.
How do you manage this shit?
Core belief stuff.

I mean, on the surface, it reads a bit like a regular cognitive distortion, or even an emotion (“I feel worthless”…although, by that we usually mean more along the lines of “I judge myself to be a worthless person, and that makes me feel like rubbish”, so it can be hard to tell).

But for me, when I pull apart the “I don’t have value as a human”, it’s core belief territory. It doesn’t just float around in my head of its own accord, it also fuels other thoughts and feelings that aren’t particularly nice.

I did a lot of Schema Therapy confronting that one. Which is an offshoot of CBT in a way. Which helped me understand where this particular core belief comes from.

Then I threw a whole lot of ACT at it. Starting with a mindfulness/thought diffusion combo (being aware of what’s going on in my head, and gently putting it to one side), and value-driven behaviours (what do I value? Do that stuff as much as I can).

Which is kind of where I’m at with it at the moment.

Tbh, it’s an absolute mofo of a core belief to try and shift. One of my Top 5. I’m coexisting with it at the moment rather than trying to get rid of it, or change it.

And while that’s not a great place to be, it is a lot easier than “get rid of this awful thought/feeling/belief” that I used to struggle with.

What that looks like is kind of: I know I believe this about myself, but I also know that focusing on it gets me no where. In fact, focusing on it tends to make me less motivated, and way more miserable, than if I simply accept that it may be something I’m stuck with, and get on with the things that have value to me in the here and now.

I’m actually not convinced that this belief drives my mood down. I suspect for me that it’s more a symptom of when my mood is low. For example, my mood drops, and suddenly the old “I have no value” (or worse, “I have a negative value - my presence makes this world a worse place”) is everywhere and in everything, constantly jumping out at me from every little thing yelling, “See? See? I told you! Worthless human!”

When my mood is low like that? It’s way more back to basics, far less cerebral. Like, nailing the sleep hygiene, polishing the nutrition, refocusing on the cardio and relaxation, and bumping up my meds.

And when I’m takcling my mood? The cerebral stuff tends to get whittled down to more of a “So what?” response. Like:
I have no value.
So what? You’ve got shit to get done, get on with it.

Leaving the challenging-core-belief stuff to when my mood is good enough to tolerate it.

And of course…allowing myself periods of time to just wallow, because managing my low mood is exhausting and sometimes wallowing is the only thing I have energy for.