A bit of background, I was sexually molestered between the ages of 7 and 11 by my babysitter. He was a close friends older brother (18 when he started looking after me) and at the time he was the only person I was able to be left with as I missed mum and dad so much but because I knew him, I felt more comfortable around him. I never told anyone about what he would do to me and make me do to him but turn the clock forward to when I was 25 and things got out of control. I was admitted to hospital and stayed there for 4 months where I was diagnosed with CPTSD. One of the worst, but oddly the best times of my life - being surrounded by people who understood, who didn’t get annoyed when you were having a down day, a place I felt safe in. I still see my physiatrist every 4-6 months and she’s been a great help. I’m grateful for being able to get the help as I know so many are not. However I’ve stopped seeing my therapist which is possibly not the best idea.
Anyway, I digress. Today I needed to have an internal ultrasound. I was bricking it. I didn’t really want it but I knew I needed to have it to see what was going on but that didn’t stop me being terrified. I have huge trust issues and it takes me months to trust anyone, let alone anyone in an intimate setting which I suppose this was. As soon as I entered that room I froze, shaking and crying uncontrollably. It didn’t help that there was another person in there (as well as the sonograhpher). That alone freaked me out. The lady said she couldn’t leave as she was the chaperone for the person doing the ultrasound. I get that, but I hadn’t been told so my brain went into overdrive. My mum was there thankfully and she managed to get me onto the bed (with a lot of persuasion and encouragement). However once the scan was finally over I collapsed to the floor where I had another flashback. I honestly thought I was getting passed having them, and especially not this bad. I feel completely deflated and feel slightly violated again. I know it was all done for medical purposes and they weren’t there to hurt me but I can’t stop this feeling. My brain keeps reliving everything and has done all afternoon. Why is this happening when I felt like I was moving forward? I had a smear a few months back which a similar thing happened but a nurse who had known me since I was 11 did it so I didn’t feel as violated. Is that normal? I don’t know what to do, I feel like Im not as far on as I thought and that I’ll never be able to have an intimate test where I feel not only safe, but comfortable.
Anyway, I digress. Today I needed to have an internal ultrasound. I was bricking it. I didn’t really want it but I knew I needed to have it to see what was going on but that didn’t stop me being terrified. I have huge trust issues and it takes me months to trust anyone, let alone anyone in an intimate setting which I suppose this was. As soon as I entered that room I froze, shaking and crying uncontrollably. It didn’t help that there was another person in there (as well as the sonograhpher). That alone freaked me out. The lady said she couldn’t leave as she was the chaperone for the person doing the ultrasound. I get that, but I hadn’t been told so my brain went into overdrive. My mum was there thankfully and she managed to get me onto the bed (with a lot of persuasion and encouragement). However once the scan was finally over I collapsed to the floor where I had another flashback. I honestly thought I was getting passed having them, and especially not this bad. I feel completely deflated and feel slightly violated again. I know it was all done for medical purposes and they weren’t there to hurt me but I can’t stop this feeling. My brain keeps reliving everything and has done all afternoon. Why is this happening when I felt like I was moving forward? I had a smear a few months back which a similar thing happened but a nurse who had known me since I was 11 did it so I didn’t feel as violated. Is that normal? I don’t know what to do, I feel like Im not as far on as I thought and that I’ll never be able to have an intimate test where I feel not only safe, but comfortable.