I'm Just Not Motivated

[StellaBlue]

@StellaBlue how did you stop throwing up? Does it get easier?.

How did I stop...that's a hard one because I was working on a whole bunch of "maladaptive" coping mechanisms (drinking, dissociating, purging). One thing that was very very helpful was DBT...it gave me a whole slew of skills to use. I also did (and still do) diary cards as part of the DBT, which helped me monitor what was going on. If you look at purging as "self harm" (which it really is), the DBT model might be helpful (however I am very much aware that my DBT counselors and my private therapist were all very skillful - I've heard horror stories about counselors who aren't causing more harm than good).

I also had to learn a lot of self-compassion and acceptance....especially if there was a relapse. That's where the idea of "harm reduction" comes in - so if I didn't throw up for a day, but maybe twice the next day that's a hell of a lot better than six times every day.

It does get easier...but it is not easy. When you take away the puking, you're taking away a coping mechanism and you've got to find something to replace it with - hopefully something a little more healthy. And when you're not using puking (or drinking or whatever) to numb yourself, the other stuff - the real reasons - start to rear their little heads. The good news about that is, if you've been learning self-compassion and other skills, you've got a leg up on handling them as well...and you've had some practice knowing how to do hard work and dealing with set backs (which I suck at, by the way).

 

[Healing Reins]

@Justmehere I don't know how to want to change. I think I want to change but I'm not willing to do the work. My therapist thought that if I did emdr the purging would go away, but it hasn't gone away and it won't go away. I don't know what to do to make it stop. I don't know if I want to see a therapist anymore. It isn't going to help. I feel like this is too big.

@StellaBlue everyone thinks that dbt would be good for me. But only problem is I hate dbt. I hate it a lot.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Why do you hate DBT? It made me worse and my parents said enough of this shit....they controlled my money at the time. So, that was the end of that. But, CBT has worked wonders for me.

 

[Healing Reins]

Because when I was in treatment for my eating disorder (when I was 13) they taught us dbt and it was so boring

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well therapy isn't supposed to be fun or entertaining. Did you do the exercises? Did you try to use the skills?

 

[Justmehere]

Just stopping a bad coping skill is never enough to motivate me. I have to think of the good things I want to do in life that therapy (even boring therapy) will help me do. Otherwise, I wouldn't do therapy either!

 

[StellaBlue]

I get that DBT is not for everyone. It took my therapist about 8 months to convince me to try it...and I did it on my own terms (took what helped, made fun of the rest...made a lot of "Marsha Marsha Marsha" jokes [which the lead counselors politely ignored]). By the time I agreed to try it I was depressed, suicidal, binge drinking like crazy, having flashbacks...and I missed a couple of sessions about a month in due to a forced hospital stay after a suicide attempt. But I went every week and I did the homework and I (very reluctantly) admitted that it helped.

Again, the counselors were very skilled - they both had at least 20 years experience each. I refused to join the DBT cult (my therapist wasn't DBT and I refused to fire him)...I don't know, it was part of what helped me get stable enough to do the trauma work (which I'm still slogging through).

 

[Healing Reins]

I just ate...I don't know what to do now.[DOUBLEPOST=1400809642,1400809505][/DOUBLEPOST]I want to purge but I don't at the same time. What do I do?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Can you fight the urge? A huge part of healing is learning to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and not acting on them in order to make them go away.

 

[TimeToHeal]

If you're not motivated to do the work of therapy, not motivated to get better, then why are you here? We can't fix it for you, we - or anyone, therapist and doctor included - can only help you along your journey, IF and when you DECIDE you want to get better.

I concur with @Justmehere - how is your current situation working for you? You have a therapist - that you won't see, you have a mentor who obviously cars about you - that you've decided you don't want to talk to anymore, you have parents who love and care about you - who you say you hate. So what DO you want, and what ARE you willing to do?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe TimeToHeal was blunt but yeah, I do agree.... You sort of ignored me when I tried to find you a crisis line number so I am assuming this is a vent/whine thread where you don't want actual help?

 

[Healing Reins]

@Solara there aren't any crisis lines in Oregon....I've looked. I would have called one if there was one, but there aren't.

@TimeToHeal I want to get better, and I'm trying to find a way where I can get better. I don't hate my parents. I'm mad at them for putting me on ED rules. Did you read the list? It's pretty harsh. I basically had all of my privileges taken away. I'm not happy with my parents. My youth group leader and I are still talking. I was upset with her last night because she called me out on throwing up during youth group. She thinks now that people know, I'm trying to minimize it, and now she is minimizing it, it feels like she doesn't care. I'm not going to pay money for something I'm not ready to do. I'm not ready to go to therapy. I want to stop throwing up. And I'm willing to stop throwing up. I just don't want to go to therapy. I feel bad about that because I know I need therapy, I just feel like I can't do therapy. I don't have the will in me to sit down for an hour to talk about why I throw up. I can't do it. I've tried it before, and I just can't do it. What I want is support. I honestly feel really alone with all of this going on. I feel scared because I don't know I'm going to die or not. I probably won't die.

I didn't throw up tonight, so maybe it's taking one meal at a time. If I have to do that for the rest of my life, I'm willing to do that.

I do want actual help. Really, I do.