Hey guys,
This is my first post so I'm not really sure how this whole thing works.
I suppose I'll start with why I'm here.
As you may already suspect, I have PTSD, with generous servings of anxiety and depression on the sides.
My childhood wasn't really a childhood at all in the conventional sense. It was a mishmash of physical (and maybe sexual) abuse, neglect, trauma most notably at this point hyper-vigilance and shame. I carry a great deal of shame and am extremely critical of myself, even though I'm aware that it's not even "me" being critical, it's the internalised voice of my shitty parents. It's a bit of a headf*ck.
As I got older (mid to late teens) I realised that that the way I felt wasn't what people usually experienced, and through studying history realised that there were many perspectives on any one event or on an individual, and decided that I wasn't going to spend my life feeling so horrible and so useless, so I set about changing things. I had been experiencing a lot of symptoms that were consistent with ptsd, depression and gad for a long time, but only came to realise that it wasn't something intrinsically wrong with me at this point. I still carry that sense of "you're this way forever, you're DOOMED" though.
I felt like I was pretty successful at changing things. I forced myself out into the world and got a large group of friends, a string of lovers and a few serious girlfriends over the years, even got myself a degree and a full time job. I got fairly fit, got really into the rave scene and fairly into the various substances that come with it. Life had it's ups and downs, tinged with a desperation and sense of futility that I couldn't quite explain, but I kept moving. I fell in love with my closest friend, we moved in together, things were looking pretty good. I still had the flashbacks, the nightmares, the facial tics and felt like screaming a lot of the time, my energy levels fluctuated wildly......but I kept moving forward.....until I couldn't anymore.
I took on a lot of responsibility at work. I was in a very unsupported management position in a chronic mental health service. Things happened, I did my best to take care of the situation and the people involved. The pressure got to be too much, I went on leave and never came back.
That was 9 months ago. I've come to realise that I thought I'd outrun my past, but in the end you can't outrun yourself can you?
Currently I feel tired. Very tired. All.the.f*cking.time. Embarrassing memories pop into my head every couple of minutes and take my breath away. I have weird dreams, usually about murdering my parents. My concentration and memory (which used to be notable attributes of mine) are fried. My confidence is pretty much gone, as is my "hope" for want of a better word.
Luckily my partner is very understanding and supportive, and she's studying to be a psychologist and I'm a social worker so we're able to discuss things quite honestly and accurately, and have good boundaries.
I feel as though I'm letting her down every day I don't "get better" I feel like I should be able to case off this illness and just be a better version of myself, and I'm ashamed that I can't, scared that I'm stuck this way.
I don't know if talking about it is going to help, but it's worth a go I guess!
This is my first post so I'm not really sure how this whole thing works.
I suppose I'll start with why I'm here.
As you may already suspect, I have PTSD, with generous servings of anxiety and depression on the sides.
My childhood wasn't really a childhood at all in the conventional sense. It was a mishmash of physical (and maybe sexual) abuse, neglect, trauma most notably at this point hyper-vigilance and shame. I carry a great deal of shame and am extremely critical of myself, even though I'm aware that it's not even "me" being critical, it's the internalised voice of my shitty parents. It's a bit of a headf*ck.
As I got older (mid to late teens) I realised that that the way I felt wasn't what people usually experienced, and through studying history realised that there were many perspectives on any one event or on an individual, and decided that I wasn't going to spend my life feeling so horrible and so useless, so I set about changing things. I had been experiencing a lot of symptoms that were consistent with ptsd, depression and gad for a long time, but only came to realise that it wasn't something intrinsically wrong with me at this point. I still carry that sense of "you're this way forever, you're DOOMED" though.
I felt like I was pretty successful at changing things. I forced myself out into the world and got a large group of friends, a string of lovers and a few serious girlfriends over the years, even got myself a degree and a full time job. I got fairly fit, got really into the rave scene and fairly into the various substances that come with it. Life had it's ups and downs, tinged with a desperation and sense of futility that I couldn't quite explain, but I kept moving. I fell in love with my closest friend, we moved in together, things were looking pretty good. I still had the flashbacks, the nightmares, the facial tics and felt like screaming a lot of the time, my energy levels fluctuated wildly......but I kept moving forward.....until I couldn't anymore.
I took on a lot of responsibility at work. I was in a very unsupported management position in a chronic mental health service. Things happened, I did my best to take care of the situation and the people involved. The pressure got to be too much, I went on leave and never came back.
That was 9 months ago. I've come to realise that I thought I'd outrun my past, but in the end you can't outrun yourself can you?
Currently I feel tired. Very tired. All.the.f*cking.time. Embarrassing memories pop into my head every couple of minutes and take my breath away. I have weird dreams, usually about murdering my parents. My concentration and memory (which used to be notable attributes of mine) are fried. My confidence is pretty much gone, as is my "hope" for want of a better word.
Luckily my partner is very understanding and supportive, and she's studying to be a psychologist and I'm a social worker so we're able to discuss things quite honestly and accurately, and have good boundaries.
I feel as though I'm letting her down every day I don't "get better" I feel like I should be able to case off this illness and just be a better version of myself, and I'm ashamed that I can't, scared that I'm stuck this way.
I don't know if talking about it is going to help, but it's worth a go I guess!
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