Sufferer I'm New To This...

[TinaTRO19]

My name is Christina, I'm 27 years old. I was molested at the age of 4 by my 16 year old cousin who was living with my family for a while.

Over the years I guess I suppressed the memory until I started having nightmares about it starting at the age of 8. I was very depressed for most of my childhood. Felt like the odd ball of the family. It sickened me, especially since we would visit every so often and I would have to sleep in the same house of him and pretend everything was okay. The last time I saw him was when I was 15. Seeing him, happy and married made me feel so disgusted.

I finally told my parents about it when I was 18 but they did nothing about it. My mom claimed that I told them once he touched my private area but when they questioned him he said my pants were wet and he wanted to make sure I didn't lee my pants. The crazy thing is I told them I didn't remember that. All I remembered was him teaching me how to French kiss at 4yrs old. It made me so angry that I tried telling them when it happened but because he was 16 and so much older than me, they took his word for it.

I struggled with my self confidence and self image my whole life. Been in and out of relationships I shouldn't have been in. On December 17th, 2013, I was raped by an ex boyfriend. I tried telling my boyfriend at the time and my best friend but neither one of them believed me because of who he was. And when I told my mother she called me stupid for going there in the first place. Since the 3 people who meant more to me than anyone at the time didn't believe me, how could I possibly go to the cops? I was quiet about it. My relationship fell apart with all 3 of them.

1 year later on the anniversary, I was so beat up about it and my dad came home and saw what a mess I was. He immediately made an appointment for me to see the priest at his church. I met with him, told him my story and he got me in touch with WomanSpace. I regret not following through with my counseling. Well, last year I was so out of it that I quit my job and told my primary doc what happened and started seeing a therapist. I was put on Zoloft which helped for a while but stopped.

I get these crazy anxiety attacks and mood swings. I get angry so fast and cry all of the time. These two major events that happened destroyed whatever innocence I had left in me and turned my world upside down. I don't even know who I am anymore and half of the time I don't even want to be in this world anymore. It's not that I don't want to live, I do. I just don't want to feel this overbearing hurt and pain anymore. I feel like nothing works anymore no matter how hard I try

 

[GrayOwl]

I relate incredibly well to your feelings of self confidence and self image struggles. I am sorry to hear you were wronged in such ways. I was not raped, I cannot relate to that particular helplessness part of your experience. I was held hostage, in a manner of speaking, for a long time, brutally bullied and abused, and do understand helplessness. Everything I owned or ever had was attacked and tried to have removed from me. I escaped with my dignity, badly tattered, and little else.

From my experiences, among even my closest family members and friends, those who even believe me don't relate nor seem to have any real empathy or compassion. I am largely on my own to deal with my emotions, depression, despair, and recovery. I have chosen recovery as opposed to despair. I find encouragement from support groups, a close counsellor or two, and much from those here on myptsd. I have accepted that my life will and can never be the same. Experience and knowledge have made me a different person, not worse or worse off, but definitely more cautious, more aware, more contemplative. And today as I recover my sanity and serenity, I am far more appreciative of the little pleasures around me, a smile, a helping hand, things I can do for others. Just being able to pay my rent and have a roof over my head for another month. I took so much for granted before.

I guess what I am saying is that I am using my trauma to open new doors, to rebuild and remold myself into a better person. I hope deeper happiness comes from it, and at times it seems to. I cannot go back to that innocent and naïve person that I once was. That person is gone and will never exist again. And I am coming to accept that today.

I must admit though, that I am deeply disappointed in mankind. Pretty lousy, self centered, selfish, uncaring bunch they are. I try not to dwell on that, though. It gets depressing. Next life I think I'll come back as an old lady's cat, or maybe a bird, not a people.....lol.

As far as your actual trauma's, I don't know if you can really get redress for them. My abuser left a long trail of dishonest and illegal acts and myself and a few others have tracked him for 4 years and gathered evidence which we hope to present to authorities this summer which should put an end to him once and for all. There is some relief in addressing your attacker.

I don't know if there is any logic in addressing this with your cousin? Things that were done 23 years ago? You certainly couldn't expect a good reaction from him and it could get really ugly. But there is also some merit in quietly, (with a protective supporter nearby) addressing it with him (like a confession) and simply getting it off you chest. Two or three minutes of "You really f**k*d me up. What you did was really rotten. I don't care if you don't remember it (he probably does) or won't admit to it - I just want you to know that it was the worst, most horrible despicable thing any human could do."

Leave it at that. Have your say. One on one. Don't threaten. Don't make a scene. Don't expect an apology. Don't expect anything. Don't carry it any further. Don't involve his family. Just do it so that you know you stood up for yourself. At 4 and at younger ages we are too inexperienced to know how to handle things and you probably have done everything the way most people would - and it hurts so damn much.

But before you ever confront an abuser - have backup ALWAYS - and give lots and lots of soul searching thought to doing it and how to do it, and what the consequences might be. And I'm not even sure I would recommend it. Perhaps others here on Myptsd would weigh in on this. You get one chance to have your say with your abuser for as long as you can keep his attention, and then it's over. Forever. Accept that. I've also heard that you could write it in a letter and bury it somewhere. Sometimes getting it out that way works.

Much more importantly, you need to focus on building your own self confidence and self esteem. Other people don't have the right to take it or attack it like they did. It's a lot of work to overcome those attacks, but it is well worth the effort, and you can do it. There are setbacks of course, it's not always a smooth ride, but you can and will overcome it if you work for it.

Life is worth living. We all deserve to be happy joyous and free. Some just have to overcome a few extra hurdles.

Take care. Be well. This was a good post. Thank you for your courage.

 

[ladee]

Are you in therapy now? If not, I'd highly recommended it. Your situation resonates with me. Not being heard. It is crazy making, makes us doubt our self into some really dark places.
You are unlikely to get better on your own. Some do. But hearing validation and support from others has a way of making us stronger.
Talking with a Therapist helps us to unravel the knots.
They also have wonderful tools to teach us how to deal with our feelings and the bad times.
He took things from you That were not his to take.
But you came here asking for help. I can only share what has worked for me.
You are not alone. Many CSA survivors here.
You take your power back by seeking help and doing the healing work. Its hard,yes. But so is being stuck in the pain.
I hope you find someone to help you heal. We are here for you.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Welcome to the forum, Tina. You'll find plenty of members who can relate to what you've gone through.

As @GrayOwl mentioned, this is an opportunity to heal and rebuild yourself better than before. The traumas can't be erased, but you can move past them, with therapy, as @ladee mentioned, and the support that we can offer you here.