You've summed up questions and quandaries that I've seen posted out here over and again, and that I feel myself. What I've learned here and through some 12 step programs is that it takes as long as it takes and that the only way out is through. You have to trudge through the mental mud puddles and quagmires to get to where you want to be. Everyone is different, so your way through might be different. However you do it, you have to find some way to support yourself and cope for the long haul. It's darn hard work. I've seen it written over and again. I've experienced it over and again. I'm just starting up therapy again after 8 years of bad therapy and a break. I'm so discombobulated at this point, that I wouldn't know where to begin to explain, but the encouragement out here is tremendous. You've found a good community.
I totally get the need for knowing an end date, a "normal" life that is free of this roller coaster of an existence, the pain and frustration, the need for release and numbing. I think it was about a month ago that I wanted to run a razor up my arm. Hello, where did that come from? I haven't cut in a few years, but something triggered that response. Instead of cutting, I tried to determine the trigger. I'm doing that now with a couple of addictions I have. Trying to figure out why I want to be numb and comfort myself at the same time. It's 1/8 inch by 1/8 inch that I work on this. Sometimes 2 steps forward, 1 back. I'm learning from what I'm reading out here and from my new T, that I have to start acknowledging what I am doing that is good for myself and the progress I am making. Also, to be compassionate with myself and not be judgmental. I hope all that makes sense.
There are many helpful tools out here if you look around at other posts. Even doing the daily "gratitude" and "feeling" postings is helpful under the "Social" tab. Also, if you are so inclined, there is a post by SheilaKathy where members write about different aspects of Christianity. I also have a post out there about inspiration songs in case you like music. I say: "Bring as much light into your life as possible to stave off the darkness." Whatever that might mean to you - i.e. nature, a pet, art, music, funny movies....
I wish you the best and hope that others with more Experience, Strength and Hope (ESH) than I will chime in. For now, I offer hugs of encouragement and wanting to let you know that you are not alone. Take care. VB
