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I'm planning to live on my own with trauma

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sundailk

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In my very first thread here, I stated something about how my living situation is poor and it is. It's just so complex that I have a hard time articulating it to strangers. I feel a PTSD forum is most likely to understand more. I also touched on that I overcame a huge agoraphobia hurdle! I was scared to walk outside out of fear of being kidnapped and that I was being watched. Now to the "good" part. This is going to be very long and if you read it, thanks for taking the time. I'm dyslexic and will read through this, but I often don't type in transition words. I can read through something a million times and still miss it. If it's confusing let me know.

Background: I live at home, I got my first job in 2014 at an art store where I was paid barley 100 dollars a week. I went from there to a government job within 2 years that will look very good on my record and in between that there was a factory job for a year where they had an abusive lady hawk everyone and would yell at even the new workers. I also got fired within the first three hours of a job because the guy was discriminating. I called up the temp service and they got me a new job right away.

Also at the art store, I got it online myself, but I used a state agency that partners with local companies that help people like me find a job. The lady was asking me personal questions like how much money did my mothers house cost and she didn't call me for 3 months and had someone else call me harassing me and went up to my job and told my employer about my disability and that is illegal. I had to print out phone records to prove she didn't call me and I talked to a lady that came from the state capital and till this day I am so upset with myself for not suing her and the local company that she was apart of that was paired with the state.

I've also been to hospitalized and I am proud of myself for leaving a researched review with my personal experience about the human rights violations of it. Now other people are leaving google reviews like mine. I typed in capital letters SHUT THIS PLACE DOWN and other people are like yeah shut it down!

I dropped out of college because of the abuse I've ran into within the human service field. I was working on a human service degree, but the passion I imagined when I was so young and naive wasn't there. I have a love for nature and if I go back to school , it would be geared towards Biology and less of social issues because my cup is too full with trauma.


My current life: My mother is a HUGE part of my trauma and she denies it and you cannot have a decent conversation with this woman because she loves to talk over and yell. She also love to down play other people's issues and replace them with her own. The part that gets me the most is that she's highly critical about my looks! I wear my natural hair out and she will embarrass me and let everyone in the store know she doesn't like it and I'm wishing she would got to hell just thinking about it. She's loud, has poor self control of her mouth when she's upset. Her boyfriend called her a moron so the whole neighborhood can hear in front of my niece and her grandchild all because she didn't want him to move the dirt. I told my niece in front of my mother to never let a man talk to her that way! My mother told her that I was right and then I brought him back outside and I just want to fight him with what he said next because it wasn't an apology. The other part my sister passed and she had poor decision making with men too and because of that we're left in hell.

I can't not think of a decent family member that I have because their always scamming and scheming, my mother is not a scammer nor a schemer she is just ratchet. My sister was so sweet and she's the only person I feel I could ever reach out to emotionally for support even though I was too shy to talk to her. Although she tried to suffocate me when I was 4, cooked an actual cockroach and put it in my mouth, lied about going to the gas station and actually went out clubbing and left me with her kids. She realized that I will love her and forgive her like no other and we kind of developed a new relationship, it was a fresh start that was evolving not too long before her death. I will never have that again and I can't have it with my family and I accepted that.

Plan and what I want to do in life: I need to move out for my health. I can't just move out right away and planning on it next year. I will wear my hair out and I'm planning this summer to get a nose ring even though she will violently harass me about how much she doesn't like it. Living on my own will be scary because I have many sleepless nights and I'm terrified of having friends. I also have driving anxiety but I'm not enrolled in driving lessons right now. If I ever have a partner that pressure me into sex even once, I would likely block them and act like I never knew them because I have sexual harassment in my past. The energy I put into trying to kill myself. I'm going to use it to go out more. I will go out the most this year I've ever been in my almost 25 years of life and I want to share that with others.

I'm looking for support from people who know. I am extremely alone and feel like I could never have a true friend because I never had a stable relationship in life and because of that I take a lot of things personally. I had to get this little bit off my chest because I don't even know where to start on this forum. I do have positive thoughts, I'm convinced one day I will come into something or someone good. It's the weeding out part that's hard.

I will not have many people around to check on me besides my mom every once in a while and less is more with her. Also people like me do not need guns, not a good recommendation. If you can relate, stories about your success of moving out, finishing school will make me feel better because I don't often don't hear from about others like me. Although I'm positive you all exist, it's just better to engage and connected than to use my imagination.
 
Welcome @sundailk Glad you found the forum. Can take a while to find your way around, but you're right. There are a ton of others who have experienced what you're working with.

I really hope you find real acceptance and support.

Some of us who haven't walked in your shoes can still listen and support you. :geek:
 
. I think the root cause of all of them is PTSD.
Ok. But just so you know - one, diagnoses overlap; so you may have been told multiple things over time that actually can't all exist together. So it might be a shorter list than you think.

And two, a diagnosis is not the be-all end-all, but it can help you get pointed in the right direction, when it comes to treatment and management. Some disorders are incredibly hard to manage without a treatment plan.

No one here will judge you; but there's no pressure to share.
 
I'm aware. I think of my PTSD as a proxy disorder just like stress opens up the gateway for health problems like heart disease, cancer, lupus, etc. I have neurological disorders as well and I think abuse so young effected my brain chemistry in multiple ways. Yes, PTSD is one of those effects but..........

It's just a complex issue that give me panic attacks trying to explain because going through particular life experiences make have flashbacks. I would just shut up already and write a book, but the world is already too sad.
 
I was interested to read that PTSD sufferers have HPT ( hypothalymus pituitary thyroid) dysfunction as well as the HPA (HP adrenals one I am always on about T3/t4 affected ratio and rates of some of the free and other stuff and apparently those levels increase anxiety. I have an implanon implant and I think as a consequence I have fairly normal T3/T4 even with PTSD and so my anxiety is not so high and mostly only with activation but the other HPA stuff really effects my emotional regulation . Even though PTSD is unlikely to be treated by an endicrinologist - I think it is still worth getting to know what is going on endicrinoologically - my acceptance of my situation is way up since having a biological focus and knowing my limitations and their causes. Power to you for making a gradual plan - one thing at a time and a year will see all of them done even with procrastination/anxiety and you will have achieved yourgoal - apparently looking forward to soemthing also adds to happiness so good planning
 
Take it easy one step at a time, it is very difficult at first. I was having PTSD and depression while i was working and it was really very hard, and then i lost my job for six years already, and have not left my house coming to 3 years.
It is definitely not easy, not hard but super hard, but I believe we can all do it.
 
If it is available in your area, calling 211 would be a good place to start finding out what your options are. It is confidential. They also have a website, but I think it can be difficult to use. It is run by the United Way, and your local chapter is also an option.
 
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I just walked away from a career in the social sciences. Part of what I was looking at was people who are different in one way or another and people who are different for a combination of reasons. So let's pretend that a person is triple minority 1) female 2) black 3) gay. I'm using these examples because I'm not a psychologist and can't speak directly to things like agoraphobia.

There are a set of social expectations that go along with being any one of these minorities (female, black, or gay). When you combine all three, your average person does not have a stereotype in their minds for your behavior or looks. They might know what a female looks/acts like, a black person, perhaps a female black person, but when you put the third minority type in there (gay in this example) they don't know what a person like that is like. They might only know of one person that is those three things together. Maybe they have never heard of a person with all three things. So this triple minority is socially rejected by others. Like a kid in the schoolyard who is odd for some reason. No one wants to play with them because they can't figure them out.

My guess is that you have more stress than the average person because you are several different "types" of person and your community is not understanding of that. What types, I couldn't say, but since you're talking about these petty things your sister did (good lord!) and then that the same kinds of things happened at work and school- I'm thinking that you don't have a good support system. And of course I could be completely wrong. Just my thoughts after reading your post.
 
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