Relationship I'm Pretty Angry

[kacee129]

Today my sufferer had a doctors appointment (not for PTSD) that he did not go to. We were in the car and when we passed the VA I asked if he would be in any trouble for not showing up. He said "am I a child? No I won't be in any trouble". Somehow it led to the one time he did go see a therapist and he told me this account. He told the therapist that he never shows up for anything prescheduled. He doesn't know why. He just can't do that. He also has a hard time with authority which he equates to being told what to do. So the therapist then told him to come back every Thursday at 4 and gave him a perscription. So my sufferer says to the therapist "didn't you hear a word I said? I won't show up" and that was the end of it. I then said to him (my sufferer) "do you think they can just wave a magic wand over you and fix you? You have to take certain steps too. And he told me "I know I have issues, but to fix the issues I have to do the things that are my issues...and I know I won't"

I didn't even respond to that because I was feeling a little angry. Then we started talking about him going back to Vegas. Then I started feeling like he didn't care enough about me or "us" to even TRY. Because it doesn't even sound like he cares that he has to move 400 miles away from me.

He also told me he is a private person. will never go to group because he may run into someone from group outside and they may make it known that they are in group together....yada yada. To me it is first an excuse and second that he thinks he is so freaking important. Like who cares? I don't know. I'm so much different than he is. I went to Alanon for years and years. I never "worried" that someone may find out.

Just needed to vent a bit. When he does leave, that is it. I'm done. Not getting sucked into his problems that he will have. He will be on his own. Some people just can't and won't appreciate anything.

 

[scout86]

I know you're angry, and I can see why. Yet, when I read the first part of your post, I had to laugh. I can easily see myself saying some of the same things as your husband, under some circumstances. I know your situation isn't funny at all. It's just sadly funny how different people in different situations can say/think the same things.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, believe me. I don't know anything about you, or him, or your situation. I'm just nuts enough to hope for happy endings, for everyone.

I can't explain to you why the idea of "getting help" is terrifying, but it is. Admitting being terrified is terrifying too. I'd like to recommend a book. It's called "Once a Warrior Always a Warrior." It's written by a soldier who is also a psychiatrist. It's aimed at soldiers and their families, but it's the best book I've seen on PTSD. I can't come close to explaining things as well as that book does. There are some stories in there that I'm sure your husband can relate to.There IS hope, for both of you. I'm hoping that there's hope for you as a team. Sounds like you've both been through a lot. You deserve to be happy, both of you.

One other thought. Is there any chance you can go talk to that therapist yourself? Tell him/her what's going on? This isn't an uncommon problem (not wanting to "get help"), maybe the therapist can suggest ways to deal with it.

BTW, when he said he "never shows up for anything prescheduled" the first thing I thought is "Of course not. If "they" know where you're going to be and when you're going to be there, "they" can "get" you. Duh!" Not saying that's what's going on back there in the depths of his mind. Just "saying".... Maybe he just doesn't like being told what to do. What I'm trying to say, I guess is that his map of the universe and yours are probably pretty different.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm stop me if I'm wrong, but he's not her husband...

I know you two have a long history going back years, but please move on for your own sake. Yes, everybody deserves love, but a sufferer who refuses help is better off alone as they have no right to bring everyone else down. Someone who is working on healing, yes, I'd say that is a workable situation. But in this case, it's not. I wish you the best.

 

[anticfox]

It's not you. One of the things about trauma is that you don't have any control. Shit happens, people harm you, your friends are hurt. Protect your self and step off. Don't try to control him.

 

[DMerish]

What are you angry about?

Him acting surley? Him not doing something you think he should do? Him not loving you enough to want to get help for himself?
This was a important conversation between the two of you in which he gave you a real gift - he showed himself to you!

Bringing his return to Vegas into the conversation did two things: (1) got you off his back about seeking help and making appointments and (2) set you up so that when he decides he's ready to go he's already let you in on the plan; therefore, it won't be so bad. Rubish! I'd rather go by a swift sword than a prolonged disease.

Why wait for "when he leaves"? Wish him well and show him the door (and don't listen to his pleadings as he leaves). He's a "big boy" - He'll be fine, right?

I apologize for wording things stongly and being opinionated: this type of thing (being taken for granted) gets to me. I wish you peace.

 

[Hashi]

Changed my mind about posting. I just realised this was in the supporter section., sorry.