Undiagnosed I'm Too Young For This!!

[ray ray]

This is going to be a very long rant.

I am not even 20 and Im sure that I have PTSD. When I was 15 I watched my cousin get murdered in the seat next to me in a car by a very drunk and reckless person I knew. He ended up committing suicide.

I have had nightmares for so long but I wake up remembering nothing. I usually wake up violently and covered in sweat. I sometimes remember bits and pieces and know that it was a flashback.

I have triggers that throw me into black outs. I don't remember anything that happens but all i know is I usually wake up being held by my boyfriend or someone I know an trust. The sound of glass breaking is the worst. And crowbars.

I live on a ranch and usually carry a knife because of constant need to use it. The other day I fell asleep on the couch and my boyfriend of 3 years, came in my house and said I was shaking and murmuring something he couldn't hear while I was sleeping. He tried to wake me up and.......... I pulled my knife on him. When I realized it was him I dropped the knife and started crying and shaking. I have never done this before and I am now afraid that I am going to hurt someone in my family.

I no longer let myself carry a knife on me. I keep one where I most often use it. Ie the hay room or the tack room.

I can't sleep. I am going through college and no sleep is really affecting me. I don't know what to do and nothing is helping. I live outside a small town so everyone knows me. And everyone knows that something is wrong. And everyone knows what happened 3 years ago. Sometimes people say something not knowing how I will react and then I get triggered. I will wake up screaming and not know where I am. I can't sleep with anyone in the house nor can I let my dogs in the house anymore.

I feel like it is getting worse. It's affecting my whole life! I am afraid to take my relationship to the next level because of it. He knows my triggers and everything about it but I am afraid I will stress him out more than what he already is.

When someone tries telling me to snap out of it or get over it I get very aggressive and start yelling at them. They don't know what I have been through. Why should they be able to tell me what to do and not do!?!?

I have no clue what to do. I thought maybe someone on here would have some good advice that I would be able to take.

 

[Farrinna]

Wow! Your story is intense. I'm new here and I won't give you any professional advice but I will say from experience that what you are going through many can relate to. I do know what you are going through won't just go away and I'm pretty sure professional counseling will help or at least a step in the right direction to healing. My true concern, and I know many do this, is to self medicate ...I've seen this slowly kill my dad and in the process of killing my little brother.

 

[macca]

Hi ray ray. Welcome to the forum!

You sound like you are having such a dreadful time. You are not alone in your symptoms, many here have the same. I've been triggered and ended up knowing nothing but the sound of myself screaming, I know what you mean. Have you seen a psychologist at all? I know you live in a small town, so I'm not sure how accessible it is for you - but if you can manage it at all, it's probably worth it, even if it's just getting the diagnosis confirmed.

It's actually really good that you can recognise some of your triggers already, and also that you have such a supportive boyfriend. It would be very hard indeed living in a small town, who all know what you've been through, and having all this going on. I've lived in some very small towns, and there's just no hiding. I live in a city now, so it's much easier to slip under the radar, unnoticed. I really feel for you, that you feel so exposed. I don't blame you for getting angry. People just don't get it.

I hope you can begin to find some peace. This forum is a safe place - people will understand you here.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Ray Ray,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!

Getting a diagnosis is the first step, as knowing what is wrong is necessary to know what is needed to be done to make it better. Many colleges have resources to help students and that might be a source you could check into.

This site can provide you with a lot of information about symptoms, management, therapy and the support here is invaluable as you work on healing.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[WillyKat]

Just joining the chorus. You can alleviate the fears you have by getting some counseling. Coming here is a great idea, but we cannot give you therapy in a forum. You need some 1x1.

If you're in college, check with the campus counseling center. I'm pretty sure they can help get it started.

 

[WillyKat]

Oh, and by the way, give yourself some credit for dealing with the knife issue. It shows something that should give you hope: you care about the others around you.

 

[Toranoko]

I haven't had those types of nightmares in a long time -- since I was a young child -- but I still remember vividly. They suck.

I've had the fear that I'm going to hurt someone for a very long time; it was something that my Therapist was confused about. And my Martial Arts instructor. I'm not really the violent type, and I know it ... yet, the fear is still there. "Yeah, but what if ...?". To me it's not unrealistic ... I have hurt people in the past. Never on purpose -- it was always because I was too focused on what I was doing to see that someone could get hurt.

Unfortunately there is only so much you can do yourself. I was almost 40 before I started therapy ... I wish I had been able to start sooner though. The campus counselling center is a good idea. Find someone who is proficient in "altered states of consciousness" if you can (Hypnosis, EMDR, etc.). Meditation may also help; there are equivalent practices in every religion if that's a problem.

There's an article on EMDR that's pretty good. Make sure you tell your T about the blackouts and alternate consciousness states though -- EMDR may not be recommended in your case.

One thing I've always wanted to do was use Dr. Amen's process of diagnosis -- he uses functional brain scans to see exactly what portions of the brain are being "fired". Unfortunately there are only a handfull of clinics that can do that. But if there's a clinic like that in your area, definitely consider it.

 

[ray ray]

Thanks everyone. It's nice to hear that someone else has gone thru something similar to what I have. I was diagnosed with PTSD informally after my first triggered blackout.

I couldn't do the counciling at my college. I just didn't like having to explain myself. And it always felt like I would only get worse. Talking about it use to send me thru rounds! I could never take what they said. I just didn't see how they could tell me to do things while they didn't even understand how it affected me.

 

[ms spock]

Good luck ray ray and Welcome to the Forum.