I'm Worried I'm Going To Lose My Friend If I Don't Take The Right Steps

[Iyllsa]

Before I write this post I just want to apologize ahead of time. I'm not thinking clearly. My thoughts are everywhere. I'm having panic attacks after panic attacks and loud intrusive thoughts of this. It's near 2 in the morning and I'm sobbing. My eyes are burning from all the crying and my throat is tired from me trying to silence my cries. I don't know what to do or where to start.

I've lost a friend to suicide before. I can't let that happen again. My one and only friend, who is my best friend, has been hitting an all time low and for the first time in her life she wishes she could die. She says the only thing keeping her alive are her friends and having to go to school. It hurts me so much to know that someone I love is experiencing such thoughts. I've experienced them myself multiple times for years on end and even attempted. Even though my friend is only just getting these thoughts, it doesn't matter to me. I still consider them just as heavy as someone who was ready with a plan.

I want to be able to help her but it feels like I'm so powerless and I know that this is something I can't handle alone. Especially right now because I am also experiencing a low and she's the only reason I'm sticking around. I know if she dies, I'd be following her soon and I know if I die right now, she would be driven to do the same. I'm doing as much as I can to help. Suggesting she gets her father involved to help her, I spoke with her other close friend on what he suggests but he says he's going to give space. I don't want to leave her and "give her space." I want to be right there for her. She is open to the idea of going to a therapist which I'm glad about. I sent her links of different therapists near her and tomorrow(later today) I'm going to check in with her to make sure she calls them and talks to them about plans.

I've noticed this happens while on her period but it's only the second time. She used to NEVER feel this way. Never felt sad, usually she'd feel annoyed on her period. I think the hormones are exacerbating an underlying problem. So I'm suggesting a therapist to whom she could talk to about EVERYTHING. Her mother is also depressed and stressed, taking things out on my friend and my friend, who is already having a hard time, is receiving it worse than usual.

I want to be able to help her but I know I can't. Especially in the mindset I'm in now. I feel like I'm too weak and useless. Like I'm struggling to grab at twigs and crumpled leaves to keep her at least content. Not sad, at least alive with me. I would do anything in the world to make her happy right now. I feel so desperate I just want her to not feel like this.

i'm getting so many intrusive thoughts of her dead body. Of her crying, killing herself. There's so much and it feels so overwhelming.. I can't lose her and I don't know how best to help her other than to help her contact professionals and make sure she follows through and to be ready with a hotline. I want to be strong enough to handle this and help her. I don't want to break under all of my own stress but I feel like I will. I don't know what to do. I need help.

 

[Deleted member 40217]

I can totally relate. We are both caught between a rock and a hard place. My friend of 20 plus years is choosing not to deal with me during the struggle I'm having with disassociation. I get it but it still cuts very deep. She has her own issues she refuses to deal with and I respect that this is how she deals with it. We can't be responsible for the actions others choose to take but we can choose how we react and respond. My old best friend killed herself and found her. After many years I had to accept that it was not my fault and out of my control. Get yourself help first sweetie, maybe if you lead by example it will motivate your friend. Take care and keep us updated. ✌

 

[Iyllsa]

I can totally relate. We are both caught between a rock and a hard place. My friend of 20 plus ye...

The thing is that she used to be the strong one. I remember her happy, bubbly self. Confident and ready to take on the world. It was beautiful. And now I feel like I'm watching her self destruct and be in terrible pain in a glass box. I can be there next to her but I can't reach or touch her. I am taking care of myself. I've found a few people to speak with, this forum, I'm slowly finding coping methods.

After I wrote that message, I continued tow watch a show called Grey's Anatomy. An episode that I knew would make me cry and feel low but it brings you back up. It worked and after the episode I was able to fall asleep easier.

I know my friend worries for me and so I just told her to not worry. I took your advice and told her that I am taking care of myself. I don't want her to think I'm breaking because of her. If I break, it's because of other issues and not her.

I feel so bad because I understand what she talks about. She says she doesn't feel safe around herself but she won't kill herself. She says if she were to die, though, she wouldn't care. I've been there and it's a terrible feeling. I hate that someone like her, a light in the world, is having to suffer through this. I mentioned to her the possibility of a mental hospital and she says she can't do that because she can't be away from her friends and family. She thinks it would make things worse. She speaks with her friends and family and I always encourage her to let it out to someone so she's not keeping it in. I also did tell her, though, that if I think she's an immediate danger and she won't do something then I will. She's not the type to hide her feelings if I were to say that. She understands why I'd take actions. I know she says she won't do anything but that's how it starts. The fact she's even having thoughts with death and not caring is concerning enough.

I'm going to follow up with her later today about the therapists. She's already sent them an email so I'll ask her later if she got a response. I feel like my finger is above the emergency phone number. I've lost so many people to death. I'm not ready to lose her. I'm being as vigilant as I can while also trying to not overstep my boundaries.

Sort of joking but sometimes I feel like she and I act co-dependant of each other. Though I also know that she is more independent and better off than I, in general. Not right now, but.. anyways.

 

[Deleted member 40217]

So glad you spoke to her It makes a world of difference when there is open honesty in the relationship in any relationship for that matter. My friend was also the strong one so I know how difficult and defeating these feeling can make you feel. You both should keep encouraging each other to talk. Send each other motivational or positive quotes. Know that you guys are not alone in this journey, maybe get her talking on here. It helps me. Practice a lot of self care and try not to be too hard on yourselves as this process happens I m sending positive vibes your way. I have therapy today but I will check in on ya later. Take care

 

[Isobel Wolf]

You are there for her. You are offering resources. That is huge. That is the most a friend can do.

Just to reign in your own trauma and get some perspective. You said that she usually never feels depressed. My friends and I frequently talk about 'wanting to die' but that's a huge leap to wanting to kill yourself. Please, understand that no one's emotional state is consistent and you another person is not able to change another's state of mind. No one is happy all the time. If someone is going through a depression episode, your concern

I have a friend, let's called her Friend #1 with abandonment trauma leading her to be hypervigilant, which is where you are now.
She gets irrational and TBH when I'm dealing with my depression, the last thing I'm capable of doing is coddling her excessive panic. Her panic is her responsibility. After four of five instances of her overreacting to me needing my personal space, or reading into something I said in a wildly inaccurate way, projecting her anxiety and condependence onto me, I had to assert myself with her that if I needed help, I'd ask for it.

If I'm perceived as withdrawing from a friendship, it's never personal. It's never personal unless a person is suffocating me. No amount of "support" can change my state of mind. Crowding can be perceived as an aggressive act and put major strain on any relationship. Therapy is also a very personal choice. "Have you thought about therapy?" is more than sufficient.

Google "recognize the warning signs of suicide" and be honest with yourself if you can accurately infer that this is what's going on, because it's unnecessary stress on her and the friendship. Depression, a hard time, anhedonia can make you say stupid things that are insensitive to people who've lost someone to suicide before.

I have a Friend #2 that is a true suicide risk. She has called me and said "Goodbye" and "I have nothing to live for, this is it" on a few occasions. When this happens, I tell her I have no problem calling her parents, boyfriend and 911 to step in. She knows that if she's going to do it, she's going to have to keep it a secret or I will intervene. When she's depressed, I empathize and listen. This is what depressed people need.

You mentioned codepedence. No one can meet all of another person's social needs and it sounds like that's what might be going on. People change- this is is how individuals grow.

I read your other thread about her running off with a boy and you having "no reason to be here" if she "leaves" you. I have to say you must pump the brakes on this cognitive distortion for your own-well being. Are you responding out of proportion? Are you trying to exert control over another person so you are not abandoned? Are you in therapy for codependence and abandonment issues?
That would be an excellent place to start so you have the resources to be a good friend without exerting undue pressure on a friendship you feel is slipping away from you. Although it feels like the suicide loss you experienced in the past, it is not the same person. You are reliving a movie of your past that is taking you out of the present, making you experience an event in an irrational way.

I'm not sure how old you are, but you are going to lose a lot of friends in life to their romantic relationships. It gets easier. Trust that there's enough love to go around. Because she loves him doesn't mean she doesn't still have less love for you, even as you both evolve and find your separate paths as adults.

Feelings of rejection are difficult, I understand, and they make you want to cling and try to control particularly if you have multiple wounds from abandonment in your past.

Please avoid these impulses to cling/control as they will only make you an obstacle she feels she has to 'deal with' instead of a happy, chill supportive friend with healthy boundaries and her own interests, hobbies, outside relationships to make her secure in her self.

True friends are happy for their friends finding love and having completely normal feelings of sadness and apathy, and they accept that they will be taking a backseat to their love relationships, and understand that her emotional world is hers alone.

Those close best-best friendships don't always last forever, like any relationship, but they can with understanding and respect for the other's boundaries.



To me, just from the information in these two threads, it sounds like she might be wanting to stretch herself away from the relationship and is experimenting with new attitudes and interest. That is healthy! I hope that you are practicing self-care and self-compassion because you have a wound that needs resolving in your past that a good therapist can definitely help you see clearly so it doesnt' interfere with your relationships today.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Before I write this post I just want to apologize ahead of time. I'm not thinking clearly. My thoughts a...

Very tough for you indeed. Try to get her into treatment with a psychologist. That is the best thing probably, she needs help. You are a great friend for caring so much, kudos to you. She is lucky to have you as a friend.

A therapist is the one thing she needs.

 

[Isobel Wolf]

Very tough for you indeed. Try to get her into treatment with a psychologist. That is the best t...

If someone pushed me to therapy any time I said I don't have much to live for, a normal existential thought, with PMS, I'd live on the T's couch. I'd never get off the couch. Everyone has these thoughts. It seems to me that there's more going on here with OP's PTSD and clear need for a professional voice to help her sort through her anxieties. She is clearly the one in pain.

 

[Iyllsa]

I'm glad I'm in a fairly okay mood to answer this so hopefully I'm thinking somewhat clearly now, though I do apologize in advance if as I progress with the answers and reading that it becomes more muddled.

You are there for her. You are offering resources. That is huge. That is the most a friend can do.

When I was first told about her thoughts I immediately cried on the spot. I've never done that for anyone and because she was able to cause such a strong emotional response (to me it was strong.) I didn't know what to do or how to react to myself. I immediately got into a desperate mindset. As if she was a diminishing resource. I hate that I compared her to a resource because I feel that lessens her value to those reading but to me she's indispensable.. anyways. I panicked the first moment and I know I over reacted which I greatly regret. I wish I didn't react the way I did and I was selfish in parts of my response. I am now being more careful and more quiet while also letting her know that if she ever needs me or someone else that I trust her she will reach out. She has a great support system and she knows that as well.

Yesterday I got a moment of clarity where I was able to be at peace with the thought that, "I've given her all of the resources. I've told her I'm available, I've found and sent her links to therapists in her area, I've suggested things she can do to help herself.. if she needs someone she will care for herself because I know that's how she is. We will get through this."

But at times before yesterday I would think, "There has to be more. There has to be more ways I can help her. What am I missing, what am I forgetting? What if this isn't enough. What if there's an important detail that I'm forgetting right now and soon enough she will be dead because I missed it. It would be my fault. No one would have known except me and I did nothing."

Please, understand that no one's emotional state is consistent and you another person is not able to change another's state of mind. No one is happy all the time. If someone is going through a Depression episode, your concern

Did your message get cut off..?

I do understand this and you're right. I'm not saying she's always happy, but according to her she says, "I've never felt this empty. I just don't f*cking care and it's scary. It's so sickening. Honestly, I just want to crawl up and die. I want to fall asleep and never wake up."

She's felt ticked off so much it scares her, she's felt stupid happy, she's felt sadness and been heartbroken. All those things. She has been depressed before and takes medication for her depression, anxiety, and other stuff, but I think what really bothered me was that she's never felt severely depressed to not be looking forward to the next day with the theme of death. I was selfish in my thinking by not wanting her to die and leave me.

Crowding can be perceived as an aggressive act and put major strain on any relationship.

I recognize that I was doing this and I regret it. I wish I didn't respond the way I did.

There have been times in the past where she'd randomly say something shocking such as, "I found a guy on whisper. We've been talking for about 3 months and we're thinking about hooking up. It won't be long term." I didn't mean to, but I let my anxiety take over and I completely freaked out. I asked if she was on a pill, if she was going to be protected, if she will be safe, if someone she knows will be nearby that is capable to care for her, if she's absolutely sure, if the person is safe, etc. And then after that I realized what I've done. She told me to calm down and that next time she'll tell me after the fact, which, of course makes me even more anxious and paranoid that she's doing dangerous stuff without my knowledge and one day something is going to happen and I won't know what happened nor will I have been given the chance to at least try and help.

I also am able to understand the huge flaws in that and am working on changing that. I realize she is her own person and I realize she is strong and smart enough to care for herself, and will reach out if needed. I realize that my response was over bearing and in return I got what was expected, which was her telling me to "back the f*ck up" basically. Now when she told me another shocking news I simple said, "Congrats. Let me know how it goes. He better be worth your time."

It's not that I'm not happy for her. I really am and I want to support her. I get scared but I also know I can't, and won't, attempt to shelter her despite what my anxieties make me think.

Are you responding out of proportion? Are you trying to exert control over another person so you are not abandoned? Are you in therapy for codependence and abandonment issues?

I don't disagree that I may be responding out of proportion. That was not my initial reaction when she mentioned that. Also, that other instance was a time where I chose to take a breath and force myself to be more passive than to get worried something bad was going to happen. Obviously I still expressed my concern but since I was around a person still a bit unfamiliar to me, I was able to control my reaction and tone of voice. I don't like other people knowing how I am.

I'm not trying to exert control at all but I also understand that my initial reaction will makes me want to control some aspect of it. I don't want to be controlling of my friend and I really do want to support her. I've always had problems with change and unstable situations, which has led me to have OCD. (Something I've had for a good amount of my life.) I realize how my reactions may be interpreted, or what they mean about me, and I am trying to change that. I do talk to my therapist about these things. I typically don't try to control other things around me as I believe in the mindset of, "The world is always changing so all we can do is hang on for the ride." I'm not the overly strict person, I don't flip out if plans are changed.

I feel like I am okay with being flexible, but my anxieties will sometimes get in the way and make me feel anxious about the situation despite myself being okay with it.. if that makes sense.

I say that I'll leave once she's set because as someone who has suicidal moments here and there, going so far as to have a plan and letter written up, she was the only thing that kept me from following through because I realize/d how much it'll impact her negatively and I can't do that to her. Her suffering hurts me more than experiencing my own pain.

Although it feels like the suicide loss you experienced in the past, it is not the same person. You are reliving a movie of your past that is taking you out of the present, making you experience an event in an irrational way.

I agree with you that I was getting moments where I felt the same level of panic, shock, and desperation when I first found out. I started remembering my friend, the scene, and everything that followed. I sort of noticed it in the beginning but last night I realized what I was doing and I can only hope that it won't end the same way.

I don't doubt, in fact I'd fully agree if someone said this already or will, that my fear associated with her stems for abandonment issues. Losing her is something I don't think I can handle. Although she says the same thing to me, I feel like it is different for her. She has other friends, a great support system, and if things were to go south she would have resources while I don't. I am working toward it, but very slowly because I don't trust easily and I have a very hard time believing that there are more people out there that are nice like my friend. I understand each individual are there own and I think it's the unknown that makes me wary which is why I put up this front.

I've spoken with my therapist about why I put up such a believable front, why I act the way I do, why I say and mess around the way I do, and she thinks it's my way of "testing the waters" with people. She thinks it may be because since I grew up in such an unstable environment that it's my defense mechanism by seeing if those people can handle my true, weird self that will have random divergent moments, or any other aspects of me, and that it's my way of testing to see if they're going to stick around or not.

I don't disagree with her because in a way it's true. I've always made sure people never passed a certain barrier with me. They'd only get to know so much and this friend I'm mentioning is the very first that I've let get so close to me. It's scary while also comforting to know that I can let my walls down with her... which in turn makes me think that I'll be very sad when/if I lose her.

She tells me she'll never leave and that she's not the kind of friend that will leave simply because I say or do something. That she'll "--never get mad. I may have difficulties trusting you so easily if you ever lie, but I will always love you."

It is the same for me. I feel I'm too loyal for my own good. I am ready for the long haul with her and any great friends I may come across. I feel like she could do something that would greatly affect me negatively and I'd be so desperate to keep her happy that I'd put up with it, well aware of what's going on.

I know I said I'm scared to lose her, and I am. As much as it would hurt me, I'd rather her hate my guts and never want to see me and be happy than to be in contact with me and feel miserable whether it be because of how toxic I may be, if it's because I'm incapable of offering help, or for whatever reasons it may be. I just want her happy and the best for her.

 

[Iyllsa]

Very tough for you indeed. Try to get her into treatment with a psychologist. That is the best t...

She and I spoke and she agrees with me that a therapist is a good idea. I've looked for some near her and sent her links. She does have a psychiatrist for the current meds she takes and she has made an appointment with him.

 

[Iyllsa]

She is feeling a bit better which I'm happy about. For the past week I've been falling asleep at around 2am-4am then waking up at 7:30am to 8:00am. Last night I was able to fall asleep at 12am which was huge for me.

I'm hoping I'll be able to fall asleep soon.

I realize the mistake I did this time and I realize that I handled it poorly. I hate that I messed up with her, at a time when she could have used better support from her friends. I have given her more space starting yesterday and today. I plan to tomorrow and then on unless I'm prompted to speak with her.

In a way this makes me sad because I've been feeling lonely for the past few weeks and I know I'll continue to feel this way, but I also am glad I realize this, along with the help of you guys to affirm these thoughts, so that I can strive to be a better friend for her. If I had to, I'd rather suffer greatly for her happiness. I can't even put into words how much she means to me.

 

[Iyllsa]

Her suffering hurts me more than experiencing my own pain.

This was actually worded wrong. I don't mean to say that if she's suffering, I'm feeling it worst. I wouldn't know what she's feeling but I meant that for me it hurts more knowing that she's in pain rather than me being in pain while she's doing okay.

Ugh sorry for all the grammatical typos. I used to never make those type of mistakes but for some reason, for the past month, I've been making a lot of careless typos and mistakes or typing the incorrect words when I know the difference and/or the correct way.. it's frustrating.

 

[Iyllsa]

Now I'm feeling so selfish. I know I've been feeling lonely for the past weeks and one of the offers to my friend was she spends time with or her other friends so to prevent her possibly shutting herself away from the world. She said it helps her to work and stay occupied, that she'd rather be stressed from work and not while at home.

I can't remember the term for it but I think I was applying my own feelings onto her and suggested something to her that would actually better help me than her. I feel like I'm being so selfish to not have been more open minded about other things that may help her and I should stop focusing on myself so much. I'm really feeling terrible now and I feel guilty for that too because I know I shouldn't let my issues and mental illness affect other people yet I did and now here I am feeling sad and sorry for myself when it's my friend that I'm affecting and possibly stressing out.

Sorry for the spam.