Relationship Impact Of Symptoms On Loved Ones

[OneToughCookie]

Hi. I'm experiencing a bit of confusion. I see how my symptoms are affecting two people close to me. One had to live through me going through a very suicidal phase and one night even checked on me to make sure I was still breathing since I take sleeping medications that could easily be lethal. Thinking about the distress this caused her is really upsetting to me. I wonder if I shouldn't have told her about my suicidal thoughts.
Most days I'm perfectly fine, but when I have a flare-up, my boyfriend gets really worried and stressed about me. He's the person I go to first when I feel bad, and I'm not sure I should tell him about my suicidal thoughts either.
I know my symptoms aren't my fault, I just really hate seeing my loved ones in emotional distress. How can I give them comfort and a sense of control and empowerment? I'm not sure whether telling them about my past suicidal thought patterns and behavior will be reassuring. I went through months of suicidal thoughts and held a chef's knife to my wrist when I was 14. After that my "just in case" plan was carbon monoxide, then the medicine I took. I was still considering suicide until this year. I still have many of the suicide warning signs though; Talking about wanting to kill myself and wishing I were dead, talking about being a burden, sleeping too much, perfectionism. I really don't know how to reassure them when just yesterday my thoughts switched from "I really want to live" to "I want to kill myself" and back again a couple hours later. It's clear I'm better than I've ever been, hopeful, and didn't kill myself when things were bad. If you wanted to ensure I didn't kill myself, what would make you feel reassured and empowered?
Also, I wanted to get a gun for self-protection since there's increasing unrest in our country, but that's also suggested against online since it is a means. Still, even if I were (which I wouldn't because I love them too much) to kill myself, I wouldn't choose a method that's so unbearable for them to encounter. Do you think getting one is really a risk?
How can I prevent myself from committing suicide without feeling trapped (I just always want to know the option is there because being out of control is my main issue) and help my loved ones do the same?
How can I keep my PTSD from distressing the people around me? I want to not be a burden to them. Should I talk about how I'm feeling more to you all than to them? I know they love me and want to help, but I'm really upset about how this illness is affecting them and you all would likely be less affected because you don't know me.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

 

[Sweetpea76]

As a supporter, I cannot handle much suicidal ideation.

I hate it. I'd rather be ripped a new asshole everyday and go through isolation periods than that.

The "ideation" is hard to separate from the "suicidal", and being on suicide watch sucks. Having a loved one commit suicide really f*cking sucks.

I think how you need to deal with it is going to depend on your supporter's temperament and personality. Have a long talk with them and ask them their opinion on the matter.

 

[Beautifulmess]

I am so sorry you are going through so much. Do you have a therapist? That is probably the best place you can start in terms of feeling better and healing the relationships with your loved ones. Please, please talk to a professional. We can listen and sympathize here, but can't provide the kind of help that you are looking for.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way!

 

[Friday]

Yes. Getting a firearm when suicidal is a risk. To put it in perspective, it's far safer to drive drunk.

 

[Dominik24]

Hey @OneToughCookie, this is actually my first post, so I hope I'm doing everything right :)

I know that everyone and every situation is different buy maybe some insights from my point of view as a supporter (of my girlfriend) can help you in any way, at least that's what I hope!

How can I give them comfort and a sense of control and empowerment?

I think giving general advice is a difficult thing, since I don't know you or your supporters personally. I think the best "general" advice I would give is to communicate with your loved ones. Find out what they think and how they feel, and what would give them comfort or a sense of control/empowerment. I think most people don't even think about what would make them feel more in control, they just see that they are not in control or not as much as they'd like, but asking them forces them to think about it, and the answers that they'll find can then help both of you. It can help you to comfort them and them to feel more comforted.

So for general advice, yeah I'd say communication :)

Now, as an insight into a supporter's head, what I'd like my girlfriend to do to comfort me would be to share her thoughts and feelings with me. One of the most difficult things in my experience as supporter is to not take anything personal. The thing is logically that makes absolute sense, but emotions are a different kind of thing. So I'd say, telling and showing your loved one that between you two everything is great and therefore reassuring them that they are doing great in supporting you (I assume they do), will probably give them a sense of accomplishment and empowers them to keep doing what they are doing good, otherwise, if they assume what they are doing is not helping they will probably feel bad about themselves, at least that's how I feel.

If you wanted to ensure I didn't kill myself, what would make you feel reassured and empowered?

Can't go too much into detail in the topic of suicide, because I am not experienced with it, but I think the best way to ensure you're not going to harm yourself is to let them know how you are REALLY feeling inside. If you are happy with them in the current moment, let them know. If you are feeling bad in a moment, let them know. So that they can enjoy the great moments with you without worrying because of uncertainty about how you're feeling, and be there for you in the not so good moments.

How can I keep my PTSD from distressing the people around me? I want to not be a burden to them.

Ok, so this is something I'd like to tell you: YOU ARE NEVER A BURDEN.

Please stop thinking that you are, because you are definitely not.

My girlfriend had one real heavy flashback in the 4 months we are together now, and even if it happens about 3 months ago she still feels embarrassed because of it. She probably things it's distressing for me or that she's a burden to me. But nothing of this is true.

Do you know how I feel about that night that we sat on the floor leaned against the wall for 3 hours? I am happy that was there for her, when it happened. I am happy that I was there so she could lay in my arms crying for those hours while I was trying to get her back to reality.

I wasn't distressed, I was crying with her, because I felt her pain while relieving her childhood trauma.

I would do this every night for her without hesitating a second, and not once would the thought of her being a burden to me cross my mind. Simpy because she is not. And neither are you.

I know they love me and want to help, but I'm really upset about how this illness is affecting them

Well yes, I would lie if I'd say it isn't affecting me. It definitely is.

The thing is, what affects me the most is the uncertainty. My girlfriend is not only fighting PTSD, but also a Morbus Crohn and for the last 2-3 months also extreme back pain. I know that this is pure stress for her and therefore understand that she's more distant and emotionally kinda numb due to it.

The not taking it personal or not worrying about how she's feeling about us and me is what drives me crazy on some days.

What I want to say is, that trying to avoid to tell them about how you think and feel may result in them feeling like you're beiing more distant, and (at least for me) is waaay worse than some arguments or bad moods.

Wow, that was a lot of text.. I hope I could help you in any way with it.

Just wanted to mention that even if I don't know you, I think that you are a great person, based on how much you are worrying about your loved ones. That's a great attitude :)

Have a great day!
Dominik

 

[OneToughCookie]

Thank you so much, everyone, for getting back to me.

@Sweetpea76 , what do you mean by isolation periods? I haven't isolated myself since that awful period of depression when I was 14. I just looked it up and I didn't know it, but passive suicidal ideation is still a high-risk scenario because it can make you more likely to put yourself in harm's way. I have imagined throwing myself in front of a fast-moving car as I walked down a sidewalk. I didn't follow the impulse, as I'm not an impulsive person, but I can see how I could be liable to treat myself much worse if that's my unconscious desire. If your sufferer came to you while experiencing those thoughts instead of staying alone, would you feel troubled by a need to be on suicide watch or relieved they didn't keep it to themselves? I think it may be a good idea for me to treat my suicidal ideation like the anorexia from which I recovered. In recovery, it's helpful to write down your green light, yellow light, and red light symptoms. I think I'm still in the yellow-light territory because I don't want to make my own suicide impossible because then I'd feel trapped, but I am at least not deceiving people around me and acting fine which is when I really need help. I feel like I should have a plan in place for what to do when suicidal thoughts start and that being with him would be helpful and more adaptive than remaining alone wherever I am. I'll talk to my therapist about that. I will talk to him as well. Thanks for your opinion!

@Beautifulmess , I do have a therapist and thankfully will have a chance to talk to her Monday evening. Thanks for the hugs and good thoughts!

@Friday , I know you're 100% right after what I learned above about passive ideation. Thanks for letting me know. What if I studied the gun safety information with my supporter and he kept the gun under locks to which I don't know the codes? Then in an emergency he could unlock it for me and we'd be protected. Is that still too dangerous?

Hi, @Dominik24 . You definitely seem to be!
Thank you so much for that insight into your head. You sound a lot like my boyfriend; everything you told me will be very applicable. I bet distance for him would be more distressing for him than bad moods as well, that he'll need reassurance that my symptoms have nothing to do with my feelings about him, and that he would never consider me a burden. You sharing your needs which will likely be his is super helpful. Thanks!!
Thank you! You sound like a great person yourself. :) Maybe I'll message you sometime.
I hope you have a great day too.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If your sufferer came to you while experiencing those thoughts instead of staying alone, would you feel troubled by a need to be on suicide watch or relieved they didn't keep it to themselves?

Sure, I want him to come to me if he is actively suicidal. I love him, and the thought of him hurting himself is... there are no words. BUT after more than 4 years of suicidal ideation my nerves cannot take it. That's 4 years of being afraid that he'd kill himself when I fell asleep or went to work. He's asked me permission to kill himself. That's bullshit.

In my opinion, if you're (collective "you") feeling suicidal you need to get help from a professional. Expecting a loved one to help with suicidal feelings is emotional blackmail. Whether you intend to or not, you're making them feel responsible for your life. We don't know how to do anything proactive to help except to watch you like a hawk and worry ourselves sick. The most we can do is call emergency services to come get you.

If being listened to helps, talk to a therapist. Being open is great in a relationship, but years of listening to your partner talk about how he wants to die takes a toll on a supporter.

This is how I feel. If I seem cold, that's fine. Suicide is not an abstract idea to me. My grandfather committed suicide. We were close and it was terrible.

This is why I said earlier to point blank discuss this with your supporters and see how much they are willing to deal with when it comes to this.

Just because they are a supporter does not mean that they have to be able to handle all of your symptoms. I love my vet unconditionally, but I have my boundaries when it comes to what I can tolerate.

If he wants to talk about how sometimes he thinks about dying, etc. I'll listen all day long. If he talks about how he's ready to die and he wants to kill himself that's another thing.

 

[Dominik24]

Thank you for your kind words @OneToughCookie :) glad that I could help a bit!

Yes if you're boyfriend is a bit like me he will problably take arguments and a bad mood day always over not knowing where he stands and what's going in within your head and your feelings.

You can write me anytime when you need a supporter's opinion or just need someone to talk to, since I know how few people understand how life with PTSD is, for the sufferer and their supporters, I'm always happy to help :)

 

[OneToughCookie]

Thanks, @Sweetpea76 . That was a really valuable perspective. I definitely don't hold him responsible for my life. I'm so sorry about your grandfather. :(